Thoughts from a busy mom of many

On Citizenship...

2011-01-11T18:50:00.005-05:00

I had the privilege to attend a Naturalization Ceremony now, months ago. I’d always heard how moving they were, and had always hoped to see one. My first experience in being invited to such a celebration was in 1993 when a janitor at our church asked me to help him answer some of the questions for which he needed to be prepared in his naturalization test… questions that some of our graduates of schools today can’t seem to answer. He, his wife and family had escaped from Cuba. We often prayed for his brothers and sisters as they were making attempts over the years to make it to the US Air Force airfield where they would be safe and have asylum privileges. They just had to get past the land mines and bullets first. Several had failed, sitting years in a less than comfortable prison. But, as a mom with small children, I passed up the opportunity to see him naturalized. I concluded it to be too much work to get ready and cart 4 kids, age 3 to 10 down to the Houston court! That day, we could have observed 2,000 take their oath, say the pledge and become citizens. I will always think fondly as I remember his excitement that he was now an American… with a very patriotic heart.

Now, 18 years later, I found myself watching the event of 50 taking the oath of citizenship… representing Iran, Afghanistan, Togo, Canada, UK, and about 25 other nations. Those waiting to be naturalized were dressed for the occasion…dresses and suits, without exception. They stood before 3 judges whose first duty was to declare the school auditorium where we were located, a courtroom. The judges gave personal messages and directives to the anticipating foreigners… many of whom had never had voting privileges! The rest of us, the many witnesses, friends, surrounded them in the bleachers, were waiting and listening to their pledge and swearing-in. And then, in a first act as new citizens, we joined them in the Pledge of Allegiance… followed by the proclamation of their citizenship and welcoming them to American responsibilities and privileges.

At that moment, the witnesses came alive. The new citizens beamed…and the crowd present to greet them erupted in cheering. Not just normal cheering, but with loud whoops, hollers and whistling… for such a length of time that I began to wonder if it would come to an end. It went on and on. Finally, it settled enough that final thoughts were declared by the judges, and the “witnesses” swooped down to the new citizens and greeted them. Voter registration and Social Security lines formed to apply for the privileges now afforded them as American citizens. And, I couldn’t help but wonder….

... about the excitement and exuberance displayed in the heavenlies over one gaining citizenship in the kingdom of GOD. From the Word we know heaven celebrates, but as I clapped and cheered for the new Americans, my heart filled with both wonder and imagination of what happens each time GOD’s kingdom welcomes another citizen. How loud is that heavenly shout of joy and excitement? How long does it last? Do they wait with great anticipation or longing to welcome the new citizen home, like my anxiousness to get to my friend Kossi to welcome him as an American? And at the same time, there was an anticipation… of my return to my home. In fact, a citizenship that is not of this world. And I wondered, do I live like a foreigner longing for a better place, preparing for the citizenship I’ve been given in His kingdom? Do I study to be better prepared for the privileges of citizenship with the LORD? Am I willing to be self-sacrificing for this incredible privilege? Do I understand what incredible gifts I’ve been given? Not only as a citizen in America, but also heaven?

After hugs, pictures and watching many celebrate their new citizenship in a faulty, though wonderful nation and hearing their statements about this day being a dream come true, I left the ceremony thankful regarding for where I live. My heart was most grateful for America, my birth home, a place where many long to belong. But my greatest joy was in another place…a kingdom where I’d been given a citizenship that was indescribable and irrevocable… oh, so much more than of which I have dreamed. As I drove away, I imagined the cheering witnesses surrounding my entrance into that kingdom 37 years ago, when I placed my trust in Jesus’ blood for my forgiveness of sin…

And then, remembering the excitement of the national naturalization in which I had just participated, I reflected on the fact this gathering was a dim reflection in comparison to the day a Believer enters the Kingdom of the One and only GOD for his eternal rest!

May our hearts fully embrace with a great tenderness, thankfulness and anticipation the wonder of that truth!

A Blessed Christmas to you...

2009-12-26T01:55:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas...

As I sit waiting for the Christmas bread to rise, the children as still in their beds. I love these hours each Christmas morning when it is just me, the bread, the Christmas lights and the music. It gives me time to pause and think on that small baby born so long ago, and yet, how He is so real today:

He is the Bread of Life... and as I knead the bread, I recall how I have often felt the push of life, sometimes so intense I would scream for relief. Yet, He has always been my portion, my rescuer, my comfort and peace.

He is the Light of the World... and as I wait for the bread to sit in warmth, untouched (for just a little while of relief), I gaze at the lights that surround me. The littlest lights burn the brightest. They glow. Jesus came into this world as a little baby and shed light to our world like no other has ever accomplished... and across time to every generation. And, wonder of wonders, as each of us came to the knowledge that He shed His blood for us and we embraced that truth, He made us lights to this world for which He would soon die.

He is the source of joy in all things... and as I sing to the traditional (and yes, new) Christmas music, I remember the angels and shepherds on that night. It had to be an anticipating, questioning hope as the shepherds listened to the "Halleljuhal" chorus of the evening as they followed the starlight in the country. But, it pulled their hearts with wonder. As I sing, I can't help but think about the coming "Hallelujah" chorus that we as Believers will have the privilege to sing with the other Believers of all generations from the beginning of time. My anticipation is full of that day as I write to you this morning. We who believe have a hope that the world can not comprehend...

A shower is running upstairs. In a few minutes, the "Blessings of my youth" will descend the stairs, and the quiet will become louder. As we sit down to Christmas bread, the final advent piece will come out of its box... the baby Jesus. We will say Luke 2: 1- 20 together, pray and the celebration begins... with Jesus at the center of our hearts.

The morning Mary travailed to give birth, she had no comprehension how her obedience would effect a Senior South Dakota girl in the fall of 1973... let alone the same, OK woman, through life to a Christmas morning of 2009. She knew, I'm convinced, she was kissing a very special babe as she touched and drank in the smell of that precious baby head. But, I'm also convinced, she had no idea what that would bring. As she tenderly kissed the face of GOD... her choice of obedience to GOD's plan is a blessing to me.

I pray this coming year, my obedience to Him will be a blessing to all of you.

Hallelujah.... He is born.

Mom/Caroline

"Ah Ha" Moments...

2009-08-30T17:17:00.004-04:00

I have now finished a study in Proverbs that I highly recommend by Kathleen Nielson, and the book that has taken me months to finish, Lost in the Middle. Perhaps it is because my life has many events in the living these last 12 months, that emotional work has taken a vested amount of time, or that a disorientation of what to do now that I, for the first time in 53 years, have truly been on my own or a combination of all (the truer picture) that it has taken so long to accomplish these 2 studies in my life. However, I have recently come to see that the truest scenario is... GOD's timing!

My blog over these last months has reflected the heartache and searching of a woman that was truly disoriented. The expressions were real and accurate. I concluded many years ago that living the story of my life for Him, would be best used by Him, when told vulnerably and accurately as occasions presented themselves. Not that all is exposed to anyone, for there are things best kept in nonpublic places, but the sharing of the process and journey is at the heart of who I am... a simple, sinful woman, with a very big, capable God. For if my journey can help any other woman in her living, that is a part of His use of my life in Him. I do not want to hinder His use of His own creation in anyway...so, I share pain, joy and what I have learned with Him in it all. Therefore, it is right and time for me to also share what I have found recently, taking me further away from hard places visited this year, to the time I am currently enjoying. Thus, I need to share some "ah ha" moments!

"Ah ha" moments are joyous times for me. They come after moments, months, years of shaking my head, or seeking the relief of a trembling heart, constant or sporadic. Since emotional aches seem to match the concern or pain experienced in the responsibility of many roles a woman has as widow and parent, with all fluctuating wildly at times…spinning heads and hearts become familiar. My spinning heart and head, this time around, came from many events happening all at once in my life... of which GOD seemed fit to pile them all into a 6 month period. I once heard a woman in ministry say (early 1900's, NO I am not that old!), "the greatest compliment GOD can pay you is when He stokes the furnace." I have remembered that multiple times in life, and smile at how true that rings. It, I have found, is actually a statement or act of His great care and jealous love for me. The stoking of the furnace means He is very near and watching very carefully what pressures I'm experiencing and who or what treasure He is forming. I know that, I teach that... and it is frustrating when I don't feel that. So, when all these things heaped in my life, they together pressurized my aloneness and meaning or value in this life. I found myself "feeling" lies... and struggling not to believe them. Concluding that, in my case, these things had to be true... circumstances told me so. I would pray...and would gain periodic, good relief... but even now, skeletons still sometimes rattle and raise issues and struggles over again. So, when a moment with the LORD brings the reaction, "ah ha", there is a sweep of excitement in knowing what the enemy is that I am battling. Those moments bring to me a name for the opposition ... an enemy at which I can take aim...

... and mine is/was named, IDENTITY REPLACEMENT. That is not the climax you were looking for, is it? Me neither. But it was real when I found it... and I'm sure in days ahead, I will still need to deal with it. Revelation of its presence started with the dissatisfaction in my perception of who I was to my young adult children. It didn't feel right. What was wrong with me? Transition was/is not easy for me relationally... though it has been asked of me again and again in my life story. I now realize that what had intensified or exacerbated this difficult process (as it is hard for any parent I've realized, even in the married who have each other to navigate it together), has been my single parenthood. I realized that as in every other difficult time in my life (divorce, miscarriage, burial of parents, brain cancer and burying my husband), I took a deep breath, prayed constantly, and poured myself into the task at hand... raising 4 children alone… in teen years. I, thanks to Him, didn't need to worry about finances, so there was no distraction of a job. I had felt lead and promised myself as well, that I would not date until all children had left home, choosing not to put them through the ups and downs of "mom's relationships". Ministry was done as a family...my responsibility in the LORD was them. I threw myself into the task at hand.

It is a serpent-like invasion into the soul, that lets one depend on the LORD, pray and do what He calls one to do...yet, simultaneously sends down deceptive, unseen roots into the heart. Little did I know that as I stepped up to the plate to do the hardest job asked of me on this earth, single parenting after burying my love in this life, the enemy would insidiously compromise who I was without detection. Sitting, reading and praying on my way to see my son internationally, it was in the Chicago airport that the first "ah ha" came. As I arrived and shared my heart with my son, I told him I felt I had detected an explanation of the turmoil I had experienced in the last year, but that I was still trying to process it. It involved the only thing I had so devoted my life to in the last 10 years... "the godly, wise mom"… and I was asking myself it it had become the center of life for me. But, somehow, I told him, it didn't fit the whole "ah ha" gap, though it was close. I had to process it. The next 2 days of study and time gave me the final "ah ha", and I thought about it long and hard before bringing it out for my son to see. It was the one that was the "relief ah ha". It fit. And it was much more insidious than any obvious idols we entreat. I realized I had replaced part of my identity as His child, his daughter, with the identity of a "loving, good, fun Mom, who was also loved". I, who have taught on the 3 W's of life, key of which is my IDENTITY in Him...ALONE! I who knew/knows I could never have made it in this life so far without my Father in Heaven, had slowly been invaded with a replacement in my heart. An identity replacement that then demanded finding my worth from the invading "kingdom"... or the results of my parenting, especially relationally.

Now, if worldly success could be the barometer sufficient to fill my worth gap, my children would be all I need. My children give me such joy in their relationships, callings and their hearts to follow God. We are close. But except for this highly relational woman, I could have skidded through without detection of the invasion. However, God made me relational, some of my children would say to the “extreme”. I cannot question Him on that... He knows best, but, it uncovered and identified my enemy for me after a prolonged struggle. You see, the replacement in my heart demanded from where I could feel loved. It was never fully satisfied, and I could never meet my own standards for the “good” mom. It left me struggling in pain. I had been needed for years by children that I deeply loved, and now the very normal process for which I raised them, independent and obedient to Him, left me often times, writhing. As I found the enemy, named it and refocused my IDENTITY in Him, the demand shrank… almost immediately bringing huge relief. Cured over night? I think not. (That would be the next lie the enemy could use, keeping me off guard.) It has this demanding nature to it, often beyond understanding. No, it will still “rear its head”, I’m sure.

Now, however, I find myself appropriately enjoying what is given me relationally ... with less demand by my "needs". My refocused identity as His wonderful creation, living His story, can be filled in the value and worth He sees in me. It is relationally what I had always desired, but the undetected identity replacement was in its way. As has always been true in my life, the identification of sin...the understanding of deception... is the hardest for me. But when it is revealed and named, there is nothing I desire more than its annihilation...eradication from my life. Getting the identification is just so hard and painful at times. However, the struggle of getting there is always worth the freedom it brings.

In it all, GOD proves His relentless pursuit of His own. This struggle proves just that... I am His, and He loves me desperately. I am beautiful and becoming more beautiful in His eyes and in His heart. There is really nothing more needed. We as women, especially God-fearing single/married, and /or moms, often do not see the transfer of identity or value of who we are because of our wholehearted devotion to those we truly love... and our calling to them. We become so involved in that calling that who we are is what we are in those roles. It can be children, husband, house, clothes or a job. It is hard because they are legitimate, Biblical callings... demanding much energy and time, heart and soul. It should not surprise us that the enemy knows how to use our greatest intensities and strongest attitudes to do us harm.

We must be careful. We need to step back periodically to re-identify ourselves... in Him alone, with all of our roles under the canopy of His bought and protected daughter. We must look for an "ah ha" moment in the detection of "value" exchanges or "demands" to fill our emotional, spiritual, physical needs in places that cannot accomplish our fill. Our value cannot be filled in our "man", friends, children or career. We must seek out those invasions and pull out the tendrils around our heart. Knowing and understanding scripturally are not the only weapons needed against such a deceptive enemy.

Our Father is desperately jealous of our devotion… having died and rose again to give us the utmost in identity… His child. In that alone is true peace, freedom, and rewarding relationships…

…the grandest, renewed “ah ha” moment of all!

Final Thoughts on Ecuador...

2009-08-14T10:51:00.005-04:00

Deuteronomy 29: 29

"The secret things belong to the Lord our God,
but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever,
that we may observe all the words of the Law."

As we ascended out of Quito, I looked out the plane window. I had hoped, as we had entered the country in the darkness of night, that when we left Ecuador, I would see the terrain... the secrets of the beautiful Andes' volcanoes... from above. It was quickly obvious to me, however, I would only catch glimpses of the beautiful Andes around the city. Fog clouded my ability to see below. Little clearings made me wish or long that the day had been clear... that even now something would happen... so I could drink in the beauty I knew was hidden. God only knew if I would ever return again... I wanted to see it now.

Then, stepping back from my "demands" or "hopes", I reflected on the secrets that had been given to me on this trip....

... the secret of a smile, through the fog of a language barrier. I had arrived, needing an interpreter. I left, still needing an interpreter. But laughter, hugs, gratitude, sadness, fear and hope were secrets revealed and shared from heart to heart without a spoken, understood word. It evidenced itself in helping the Doctor in an exam room and holding an anxious woman's hand, who was left to trust us without adequate communication of what we were doing (interpreters were not always available).

... the secret of grateful hands bringing us fresh oranges from her produce, to thank us for yesterdays care... when the sale of them could have fed her family.

... the secret of laughter when interpretation revealed the humor in what was said, compared to what was understood.

... the secret of new life. New pregnancies, small babies... anticipating, loving mothers... a world wide understood language.

... the secret of death and suffering, tears without words.... broken, failing bodies under a heavy burden of hard manual labor... that desired hope.

... the secret of fellowship and praise, a unified understanding and teamwork of those whose words we could not understand... in care for the masses standing at the gate asking for help and cure.

... the secret of eternal life, given to those who believed as the good news of forgiveness and life in Christ was shared.

As the clouds hid even more beauty than I could imagine, my heart turned heavenward. For the secrets revealed in Ecuador came in the gift of giving and caring for another. How special that our Lord gives and yet, keeps many things yet to be revealed for a later day... in His time, in His way... for us and our sons and grandsons.

I tasted only of what He desired to reveal that day. It was a foretaste of much to come. May we seek glimpses of Him now, and longingly desire to see the rest of His beauty... as much as we do His creation around us.

I may never see the vistas around Quito, Ecuador in this lifetime, but I will see Him... at a day of His choosing. It's a secret for which I long to have the clouds part and to have His glory revealed... to which no vista on earth will ever compare!

Our jungle walk...and drive to Cuenca!

2009-08-07T01:30:00.016-04:00

On Friday afternoon, we packed up the clinic and we did some of the "tourist" thing! There were 2 hiking trips from which to choose. Most of us chose the trip that kept us out of the rivers... and away from "surprise" creatures of the wet Amazon! Our trip was full of beautiful vistas, flowers and fun times together. The taxi took us, but 5 of us walked back together, seeing the park and city square.

The flora was beautiful.

Antheriums...

Like a honeysuckle..

The view of Gualiquiza from the hike... through the jungle trees!

David and Ann along a city wall. You found bright colors often along the way... reflective of the culture "likes".

As we left the town for Cuenca, we piled in a 40 passenger bus of which 25 people and the luggage and medical equipment filled it. I sat with one of my favorite new friends, Dr. David Cromer. He raised his eyebrows and said, "You know we are now embarking on the most dangerous part of our week!?" He was right. The roads were wet, collapsing in areas, narrow (the driver had to back up on the mountain roads 3-4 times to make room for another vehicle to come through)

and just plain scary.

But, the vistas were plain beautiful.

We arrived safely!

A Week in Ecuador...Part II

2009-08-07T00:12:00.026-04:00

One of the blessings of this trip was the event of having Deborah join the team. She and I met at my daughter's wedding, the groom being her brother. I had told her about the trip I was doing in April, and before the week was over she was considering coming with us! Deborah has this wonderful way with children... and by the end of the week, her communication in Spanish was admirable. As a matter of fact, we had a great time getting to know each other better... I loved it. Every time I turned around it seemed she was with the children. Dr. David caught her unposed with a posse of kids she was talking to outside our hotel!!!

(Children telling Deborah and I their ages... after enjoying ice cream that David and I bought them!)

Babies were babies... cute as in any culture! I haded out "booties" that I had brought from

home, and the mothers were so grateful. We handed out candiesand bracelets to older kids, though we waited to do so at times that we would nothave 50 at once surrounding us for such goodies! They were respectful and all smiles.

As I watched them play, sometimes for hours of waiting, my heart went out to them. They were playing in the dirt of the courtyard of which we knew parasites harbor... the same dirt we were sure to wear shoes to protect ourselves. These moms had no alternative but to let them be children and play, though parasites were a surety. Therefore, every adult and child left the pharmacy having taken the medication, unless they were pregnant, to rid their system of parasites.

A special part of my being with the team was the managing of the lines, calling them into the doctor and assisting him/her with exams if needed. Though I knew none of their language, suffice a few words, it warmed my heart how smiles and laughter transcend language barriers. In fact, those very barriers were often the catalyst of laughing with each other. There was one group of women in particular that had come 4 hours from a small village out of town, and they embraced us in smiles and eyes. I called one in the group my "special friend" as she and I had fun trying to talk together. She was so delightful. She and another friend, in their 60’s, had brought along 5 others much older, for treatment. At one point we realized that we had totally misunderstood what the other was saying when the interpreter had time to help us, and we dissolved in laughter.

You understand then, the delight when on our bus trip through the jungle to Cuenca, several days later, we stopped at a village to use a restroom and as I jumped off the bus, there she was with her bundle of bananas… trying to get to another village to sell them. Ann took our picture (right, the lady I'm hugging in the white hat). It drove home that God has made us in His image, and there is no better example of how we care and communicate beyond our language barriers. Emotions are understood… no matter what one’s language is stated to be. He made us relational.

There were things that stretched me…toilets where no paper could be put into them, so it was thrown in cans next to the stool, dirty public areas with children playing in the parasite laden dirt , and seeing babies crying in card board boxes next to their dad as he earned a living shining shoes at the airport entrance. I saw people with money, who also came to us for the desire to see an American doctor, but the constant poverty and extreme suffering of the working class was indescribable…and I never heard them complain. They just wanted to have some help to feel better while they did their work. Hoping against hope that there was some magic cure and provision for them from America. They sacrificed health and comfort to send their children to the local Catholic schools, getting for them a good education and maybe a way out of their own plight.

A Week in Ecuador...Part I

2009-08-06T22:47:00.022-04:00

I have returned from a trip in April, that I have hoped to do for years now. Since as a widow, I very much felt that I should be less risky in my activities until at least the last child was in college (though risk is living life and not location), I

would pray for my friends, David and Ann, as they went on Medical Missions each year, looking forward to the day I too could go. After waiting to see if the dates would interrupt our upcoming wedding, a date was set that would allow my going with the obstetrics and gynecology team to care for some of the people in Ecuador. So, I signed on with Christian Medical and Dental Associates, made plane reservations, and got the needed shots for the area. I am so glad I did.

Words can't readily describe all that I saw, the people I cared for... but I hope to reflect in part what happened in my short week there. The airline story is one of a kind that I've never experienced before…and hope to not do so again. We could not get out of our home airport to reach Houston due to weather in Houston. When released, we missed the single flight out to Quito by 30 minutes. We stood in long lines to get on the next evening... and spent some wonderful time with dear friends that took us in! Jon and Dusty... THANK YOU! But, that only begins the saga! Assured our bags (one each) and 3 huge plastic medical carriers (one each) were on the correct flight, we arrived in Quito, meeting up with the other group that had been delayed, without any bags! We stayed overnight as planned, hoping they would be found... knowing that the next flight was in 24 hours and we would be long gone... deep into the country.

Another flight, and 7 hours on a bus through the jungle and we were at our destination ... Gualaquiza, Ecuador... and without our bags.

Gualaquiza is a town in the Amazon Basin, in southeast Ecuador. It’s altitude lies at the transition edge of what would be called the Amazon Jungle, though we were in jungle indeed. As we arrived late, we missed the set up of pharmacy and clinic…but the team that arrived before did an awesome job without us and we arrived in time to help with the first clinic day in the afternoon. People were separated according to OB/GYN, pediatric (we had the blessing of a pediatrician), and general care, registered and then triaged according to symptoms. Those who were potential surgery cases were seen as early in the day as possible so that the appropriate blood work and tests could be run and surgery scheduled for the following day. After the Doctor had seen the patient, they were sent to native speakers who would talk to them about why we were here… to share God’s love and the gifts He has given us with them. They could pray, or not, believing that Christ died for their sins and asking His forgiveness, choosing to get to know this new God better. Many prayed...and many did not.

They then went to the pharmacy to get the meds prescribed them…including a month’s worth of vitamins, and a parasite treatment when appropriate. (Ann and I started counting a box of 20,000 multivitamins when we arrived… and then started the pediatric vitamins and calcium pills…into packages of 30. Who knows how many pills we counted as a group! See picture to right... note what is left of the 20,000 in the bag!)

Over 4 ½ days we treated 670 patients. In no way could we treat them with the same level of technology we have in the States, but how grateful they were. The people could not thank us enough, bringing fruit to show their gratitude…or paying as much as they could…maybe $ 20 for a surgery or treatment. They are a people with integrity, working hard and not expecting handouts. And, whatever you can do, no matter how small… they are so appreciative. One lady, in her 50’s had been bleeding for several years and the doctors recommended a hysterectomy. Her first question was, “Can I go back to work the next day?” Her work was swinging a machete to cut grasses down in roadways and pastures. I do not know if she decided to have the surgery, because of the great cost to her in pay in not being able to work. The complaints or symptoms in triage showed great suffering… and aging before their time. Women my age seemed to be 15- 20 years older. Men suffered greatly too… and thus they showed up to be seen by an American doctor, even though they knew it was of a clinic specialty for women.

As with any culture it seems today, the alcohol flowed in celebration or coping skills, and while we were there, a national election and campaign added greatly to the consumption. I know families are very important to the culture, but could not get a read on what the different dynamics are in relating than we are used to in America. It seemed as though there were fewer men, and I silently wondered if there were many widows due to the hardship of living.

Of hay and horses...

2009-03-24T23:24:00.004-04:00

I've spent many hours in my life feeding horses, hogs, and cattle. I've pitched hay from a tractor, hay mow or from a nearby hay stack. My eyelashes and nose often "froze" while panting in the activity of the hard work, or my skin burned from the very hot, dry sun. And now I can say that I rode on and took pictures from a sleigh pulled by draft horses, loaded with hay to pitch to the other horses in the pasture... and I didn't "have" to do it! Thank you Nick and Mike for adding to my repertoire of farming experiences!

They are one!

2009-03-24T23:10:00.003-04:00

Pi Day was "the day", when Becky and Adam tied the knot!! What a day it was... sun, vistas, family, friends... and a very in love bride and groom, depending on One other than themselves...

What else could a parent ask...

I remember when....

2009-03-01T21:12:00.005-05:00

... my 2 oldest had 2 different stories when caught doing something that was not allowed. Do I remember what it was now? Heck no. But I remember how my mind scrambled about how I could teach these 2 young blessings of mine that lying, deceit or "white lies" was simply not acceptable. Ever! In the moments that only young parents can understand, I needed help now and quick to teach this character lesson. (Arrow prayers are wonderful.) As my heart prayed very quickly with words for help, I started to explain to them I was not dumb. I knew that one of them was not telling me what really had happened... and the one who had tried to protect themselves with not telling the truth was wrong. Therefore, I was giving them one chance to correct the wrong action. One at a time, I instructed, they would tell me (while away from the other) what had really happened and that the only way to be sure their story matched would be to tell the truth. If their stories matched, there would not be the expected punishment, but mercy. If they didn't, both would get the expected punishment... and the guilty would cause pain for the other... just as lying or deceit does in life, period. Guess what! I got 2 matching stories... and a remorseful heart, and a young prayer that said they were sorry. Do I remember who lied? Nope. I just remember the quick wisdom sent from above, the grateful heart of a woman who was entirely inadequate at the moment, and the love I felt for both of those children entrusted to me.

How different life would be if all lived telling the truth... and young moms trusted God for wisdom. Believe me, this was not the last panic session I had with parenting... and even though they have all fledged the nest... it probably won't be the last. I've learned with full heart, it is good to look to Another... in all things... and not hide...

May I also be as honest with Him.

Transition... welcome to real life!

2009-02-21T19:08:00.041-05:00

Webster states:transition is the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.

I highly recommend:

Lost in the Middle, Paul Tripp
and
Still Going It Alone, Michele Howe

These last 6 months have found me writing and choosing not to post a blog. Too uncomfortable. Even though I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was normal! And this comes from one that is very willing to let everyone see exactly what I'm feeling, thinking or experiencing because of a conviction that as I learn things in life, I certainly have the ability.... even the responsibility... to share those discoveries with others. Vulnerable... yes. Comfortable being vulnerable... absolutely... until this fall.

I always knew this appointment in life would be one of my greatest grief periods. After all, an empty nest truly reminds one of, and reveals the depth of pain in the missing of another in life. I knew that sending my last off to college would bring the grief of burying my dear husband David to a new level of intensity... I just had no idea how intense!

The first grief was the missing of my youngest son, our busy social schedule.... but especially our Sunday afternoon dates! You see, at one point when I knew I couldn't compete with the wonderful girls around him in the "fun" department (Mom's job description entails a lot of "not fun" talks and responsibilities), I told him on the way home from church one day, that Sunday afternoons were ours, and that we were going on dates! We now know every coffee shop in Tulsa, many restaurants, and have enjoyed many outings to movies and buying him debate suits! From looking at pictures, discussions or playing Speed Scrabble over coffee, I had no idea how much harder that could make a "transition", and it did! But, despite the pain, I'd do it all over again!

After the initial adjustment of quietness, a totally free slate on schedule was mine... and I purposed to protect it for up to a year. You see, I knew that one of my great coping mechanisms for pain is busyness. And I knew that my being a widow, my missing of David, would begin in earnest as the silence closed in. I simply decided to face the pain head on... and thus hopefully shortening it's grip, instead of partially ignoring it and facing it longer. That doesn't mean I was always at home, quite the contrary. I've had many fun outings with friends, but I chose to not become so committed that I didn't have to deal with the loneliness and pain of my being alone...of finding who I was, since my roles over the last 28 years have been wife and mother, intensified in the simple fact of being the only parent. That transition has been very hard, complicated with other things. At many times I've had to battle feelings of being "lazy"... after all, what do I have to show for my time (funny thing, I often thought that with toddlers and teens)! Guilt has played its seductive tones to try to disuade me from the task at hand... grieving or otherwise. A sense of disorientation kept me "busy" with the urgent things in life... luring me away from the opportunity I had to spend in Bible study or writing. Questioning my life... my very essence, became a thief of energy and thinking of others. And, for one who loves companionship... many nights alone were simply lonely.

Tripp says in his book that there are 2 things true about every middle aged person. First, we are aware that our lives have not worked according to our plan and second, once again like a toddler, we are always trying to figure our lives out. He goes on to state that those points describe the essence of "mid-life"... the collision of powerful personal awareness and a powerful personal interpretation. All of a sudden we see things that have been developed in our lives without our awareness, in the busy years of life... both good and bad. But, oh, the attention or focus we give the bad! Thus explains the up front vulnerability I had with my children at Christmas... knowing that I couldn't hide from them the twisting of my heart and the periodic tears of my eyes with them again in the house with me, and so "close to the situation". I told them, tearfully, I needed them to know that I really believed I was normal (many other friends my age or older, seemed to know just what I'd describe to them because they had or were experiencing the same) but that I knew in the holiday time at home I couldn't hide from them that some deep questioning and pain was going on in my heart. "I don't know who I am", "I don't know where I'm going, or if God can or if He will use me in any way", and "I don't think I have anything to offer Him or others" were some of the questions and emotions dogging my heart. All this coming from a woman who had just taught a retreat on the "3 W's of Life: Who/whose are you? Where are you? Why are you?", in which I answer each question with truth from the Scriptures. I told them I knew the answers in my head, but that my heart was wretching to again embrace that truth. They looked at me as if to say, "Who took our mom? Where is she in there?", the same thoughts I had heard in my head many times. So uncharacteristic of the "strong, capable widow" whose trust was in God's plan... but oh, so real. I told them that I had tried to encourage myself with the fact that I knew of none other that (though I know you are out there) have the number of life transitions all at once as myself... empty nest, 8 weeks later a daughter calling as she just got engaged (a wonderful event I might add), a son overseas in his second year, and all this without the one I desperately loved to share it with... as a widow. I knew personally many with 2 of those transitions... one with 3... none with all 4! I felt so oddly different at times. I regularly consoled myself with "It was, after all, alot to handle." I again in my life, had turned heavenward and reminded God He had chosen the wrong woman for all of this! Little good it did... except that I was forced again to remember, He had always and will always see me through.

Transitions in life are many. Some easy, some too intense, we think, to survive. Synonyms for transition, I believe can be: adolescence, college, career, marriage, divorce, parenting, empty-nest, marriage of children, old-age, failing health, and death. I'm sure we could all add more to the list. Youth seems to cruise through transition focused on tomorrow's wonderful life. Those in the middle no longer live with the partner of invincibility, but the realism life experience brings. All I'm convinced are blessings. It doesn't include the word easy or fun. Whether one is young or old, whether a change is heart lifting or heart rendering... all transitions require a personal response of some kind from us. That response will determine how "rough the road" is that we travel. A response of entitlement, to deserve better than we've been given, will produce within a discontentment and perhaps anger and bitterness, directed at others and/or God. That is a very rough place to travel, destroying the very enjoyment and peace in life. A response of gratitude toward life's events gives expectations of vistas along the way... in both the valley and mountaintop experiences. The understanding that transitional days bring blessings of growth and change, smooths the road of life with a joy and unexplainable sense of peace and anticipation. But there is an ultimate response from the heart...one which brings with it perhaps the greatest sense of being loved and cared for... one that asks. Asking for transitions so that one is not only made in His image, but along the road of life becomes more indistinguishable from Him, is the bravest, selfless and most satisfying response of all. It is not easy or fun to travel that road. But, I'm convinced it is worth it.

Therefore, you see, this transition I'm making... one day, I'm sure that...

I'd do it all over again!

Welcome 2009....

2009-01-01T15:48:00.003-05:00

... but how New Years have changed!

Beyond the need of the Word, I've just ordered a couple of books that I hope will give insight into where this new person God is shaping is going, after I find out who she is! Sounds confusing coming from me... believe me, I know. The one who teaches many women to answer the '3 W's" in life," Whose am I? Where am I? Why am I?'... or where women should go to "fill their emotional tank", or how to welcome and embrace the "refining fire of a wonderful God"! Every time I have taught in the last months, a voice has said, "Listen to your own teaching! It applies to YOU!" The extremes of emotion I've been experiencing the last 6 months, if placed on a graph, might elicit quick decisive action to institutionalize me ( alright, so I exaggerate... maybe...) from those other than the "mid life growth" crowd (I deliberately chose the word growth to try to spin positive about it... :0) ). One thing that has been of comfort is that those friends who are also in "growth", are expressing like things... and today I'm recording some of where I am, though still afraid to expose it, and fully confident there's more to discover. The one difference is that all of my friends with an empty home, have a spouse to go with them, or to hold them up, in this passage... a cord of 3 strands is not easily broken! Yet, I'm old enough to know that relationships are such that this is not always of benefit. And, for some reason, the best plan is for me is to do it alone. It is not the first time I find myself at a place of not liking me, wanting to hide for fear I'll "break" something or someone... because I don't know what is seeping to the top for exposure. But most of my days, I had a loving encourager beside me..I remember an old pastor I heard on a radio back in Hawaii days... " The greatest compliment God can pay us is when He stokes the fire." Again I'm at the place where I lift my heart and beg for no more compliments!

It really does boil down to embracing this passageway as shaping the woman God is creating... a woman that will not or cannot be created without the pain and transition I am asked to weather. I've done it before, with Him. Guess one could call it His painful grace... a grace that won't quit growing His loved... because of the reward of becoming more like Him, even here, no especially here on earth. But what is it about me that it can't be achieved without pain?

Grace... hmm... wonderful, yes... easy life, no...

Some things don't change, like grace...

... the New Years do...

My inbox...

2008-10-31T12:28:00.002-04:00

...is full of plane reservations and emails containing plans and times of airplanes touching down in Tulsa, or cars driving to Bartlesville with the most precious cargo of all....

... the kids I love.

Oh, how I love those emails... the Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings under my roof... and the Blessings God has givien me in children... and their friends.

I give thanks...

Anatomy of the Heart...

2008-10-22T11:01:00.013-04:00

When in Respiratory Therapy School I had the privilege of watching open heart surgery. I also saw an autopsy. The hearts in each, obviously, were very different. One was full of life, color and active... the other cold, still and gray. A living heart is truly a sight to behold. It is hard to describe. It is the center of life. The intricacies that make the fiber, 4 chambers and various valves come alive and perform their task 80-100 times per minute for 80 some years on the average... are quite simply, amazing. It is an engineering miracle...a designer's dream... and on top of that, there is some kind of connection between the brain and heart to house emotions...

A "full of life" heart is what the Creator intended for all. One that beats with excitement at many different things... and when poked, bleeds. I've concluded in painful times of life, and believe now, that it is in that bleeding when a heart is pricked, that one really begins to have an understanding of real life. It is bleeding, even in spurts, that makes life so evident on a surgery table ... and in our emotions toward those we love. Indeed, I've concluded that the amount of bleeding done emotionally when under duress or when "poked", is directly proportional to the depth of understanding and love in the "poking" relationship. When my Dad died my grief was unbearable, because of the great depth of love we shared as Father and daughter... my Mom, too. And today, I can't describe for you what bleeding takes place when I think of... the one with which I still desire to share my heart and life. Indeed, the one I am convinced I need to share my heart and life. So, all I can do is remember... how much depth of life, love and living we shared... and be thankful that the bleeding reminds me of the joy shared between us.

And then there is the cold, gray heart. I am not naive enough to ignore the "poking" of hearts who upon remembrance, bleed for what they never had, or can't bleed at all. My heart goes out to them, and it is the desire of my soul to give them a taste of what I've been given. But, hearts that have bled too much are hard to revive. But some do, and those I have seen turn around to fullness of life give me some of the greatest joy on earth... realizing that with God, the Giver of life, even the "poking" can now lead to that joy of life found in relationships. My hope for those who walk this path is to realize there is a bleeding that brings life... and thus, joy with remembrance. No where better depicted is this bleeding to life than at the Cross...

As for me, today my heart bleeds... and it also remembers... and that is a good thing.

Psalm 90: 10-12

As for the days of our life, they contain seventy years,
Or if due to strength, eighty years,
Yet their pride is but labor and sorrow;
For soon it is gone and we fly away.
Who understands the power of Your anger
And Your fury, according to the fear that is due You?
So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Engaged...

2008-10-20T01:12:00.006-04:00

May I present to you...
Becky and Adam, engaged October 14th...

26 Years ago....

2008-10-20T00:23:00.007-04:00

... David and I learned we were pregnant a second time. It was a Thanksgiving gift to us. As we had lost our first, we entered this pregnancy with some apprehension, but soon we realized, we were going to be parents in life. It was at that point we began praying for this child's heart to love the Lord early in life, serve Him with their whole heart, and to keep in His training and care one who, of His choosing might be this child's spouse. Months later Becky arrived, and years later Adam has arrived...another Thanksgiving gift! It is with great praise and rejoicing that I look forward to the day I can tell you all I have 3 sons... at the union of Becky and Adam. Little does Becky realize the great joy she brought to us... as a child and now a beautiful, fun-loving godly woman. And little does Adam realize how fun it is for me to know of whom I have lifted up in prayer all these years... and he is everything for which I had hoped and prayed.

It is with a heart of wishing I could share this with her Father...since we knelt in prayer so often together. How I have longed to share this joyful answer to prayer with him. But it is much more sweet than bitter as my daughter has been given a companion for life that loves the Lord... and her... with greatness in heart. What more could a Mom want as she lays her head down to rest at night?

He is faithful... in spite of me.

Becky, I love you sooooo much...

And Adam... I love you already...

It's been 7 years today...

2008-09-17T21:42:00.004-04:00

... and my God was as good on the day I buried my dear husband as on the day I married him. His goodness doesn't change.

7 years have passed quickly and yet I sometimes "dread" that these next years might pass slowly in ways. (Though at my age, slow is becoming more of a welcomed word!!!!) But, I know I look back with continued gratefulness for a husband who loved his family passionately, planned for us diligently, and showed us how to live a life and yes, die, devoted to God and family, while providing for us in every way. Yes, David is significant to our family even today, in spite of his absence.

How thankful I am...

Anticipation...

2008-09-13T15:57:00.007-04:00

Hurricane Ike has made a huge impression... 600 miles in diameter worth. I've spent many wonderful hours sailing through the mouth of Kemah, eating on the Kemah parkway watching other sailboats sail out to the Galveston Bay with my dear husband and family, or taking my children to canoeing lessons in Dickinson. The pictures of the roads, the restaurants in Kemah... they bring back wonderful memories. And, friends. I've prayed for them all night, anxiously tried to contact them today. So far, Christens made it through a very noisy night, with horizontal rain, though very little. DeGrays are ok, though the garage roof is damaged, and the church has been hit very hard... all doors blown out, roof taken off the Life Center, with all the ensuing damage. Kittles are safe too, and water was inches from their house. Derricks, Rasks, Graves, Carmen, and Weichbrodts (along with many others) I have not heard from.... which brings me to anticipation...

... how I long to hear that all my friends are fine. Calling on their cells and getting no answer brings a certain disappointment to the anticipationn of hearing their voices and knowing they are ok. I anticipate hearing their voices and the sense of relief and joy that brings.

I just want to hear from them

...and then I think...

Do I anticipate hearing my Lord's voice as much? Do I long to have that quick call from Him... and do I have immediate response of relief and joy from hearing His voice? Do I anticipate His coming... watching with great desire...longing to see Him as much as I do my child when he returns from an Asian country after a year at school? I can answer those questions... and I don't like the answer...

Like most, I wait for Him in great anticipation when... I am in need or pain. In that situation I tend to expect His arrival, I long for Him to arrive. But in times of joy or comfort I take for granted His availability at my convenience. I fail to recognize He is as anxious to hear from me as I am to hear from my friends. He longs to meet me when or where ever... as a wonderful Father and friend... and how often I am too busy to take the call... or, God forbid, look at the caller ID and choose not to answer! And many are the reasons why...

So, cultivate in me a heart, O Father, that longs to hear from You and responds to you, as I know I will respond when I hear Dusty, Carrie, and Carmen's voices on the other end of the phone line...

And may I look to Your coming as I much as I look forward to again having a lunch with them...

And I really do love my time with You... help me to prioritize it...

May we all live in anticipation of His call...

To my kids...

2008-08-21T01:42:00.004-04:00

To my kids:

Fly. Fly with only one "homing instinct"... the Lord. All else is either immaterial or an idol.

Be careful... ideas can be the enemy's "weapons" to twist the Lord's directions, or the Lord's great gift to you... know Him well enough to know the difference!

Remember... you have an earthly Mother that loves you very much... and wants you living life doing what He needs you doing... no matter how far it takes you...
... and that the love she has for you is "pale compared to your heavenly Father's love'!

Live by the Greatest Commandent... promoting personal responsibility, keeping each other accountable...

...and the reward will be full.

I love you,
Mom

Life... she is a changin'...

2008-08-21T00:46:00.010-04:00

(Jonathan's graduation from ACS... Katie, Becky, Mom and the Man of the day!)

Well, here we are in a hotel for a final night's sleep before Katie ascends the local mountain upon which is perched Covenant College. Jon and I help unload her tomorrow and get her moved in. She has responsibilities as the discipleship coordinators team leader of her dorm this year, and her job starts in earnest as soon as she arrives. Part of that outreach starts Friday as she welcomes new students, ie., Freshman, onto campus. That will include her brother! So, on Friday Jon and I will ascend Lookout Mountain and unload his belongs... and that night I will return to my Hampton Inn room... alone!

Wish I could express for you the whole of emotions that goes on with one looking at an empty nest... especially one as "nurturing" in personality as I, but I doubt that even I know the vastness of any upcoming feelings. I have done this 3 times now, and love to see each child become who they are, apart from me... and yet, I miss them so much. But this time no one is left to take the brunt of my "mothering" and provides a very different kind of "empty nesting".

This spring was very hard... and I know that this fall will bring new opportunities to grieve. I know that I will grieve the "loss" of my babies and being needed by them (to some extent), but the loss of my companion David will be central to it all. David and I dreamed of these days together... spending more relaxed time with each other doing whatever we decided to do.... visit the kids, travel, dream, and minister together. And now I find myself facing the loss of those dreams, again, and yet I understand that I have the great privilege of asking God to show me, as a single woman, the dreams He has for me. These next steps are just an adjustment... nothing new to life, and I choose to smile at the adventure. As a matter of fact, I can hardly wait to see what is around this last empty nest...

Besides, do you know how long it has been since I could do things on a daily basis just for ME? 27 years... wonderful ones, yes, but....!!! So, do you know who is going to enjoy being her own boss and sole proprietor of her time? ME! And my plans are to not become committed to many things very quickly. I need time to sit in my home alone and study the Word, think, be quiet, pray and remember... bringing both tears and laughter to my days and nights, I am sure!

"There is a season ... for all things."

And, I am going to truly live it!!

Olymic winners...

2008-08-19T23:21:00.009-04:00

The Casselberry family is glued to the broadcasting of the Olympics. It is a given, whether it is Summer or Winter events. We are addicted... no bones about it. The Summer has a special interest for us as the kids swam on the P-66 swim team for years, and under one of the most reputable experts in swimming, even today recognized internationally. However, his attentions at that time, were mainly given to those he thought could be Olympic winners and the rest didn't get the help they needed. As it is, 2 of the swimmers in Becky and Ryan's group under him swam at the Olympic trials this year. Gary and Michael have done very well... but, there was a whole pool full of swimmers that swam with them who never made it to Nationals, let alone Olympic trials. None will ever have the noteriety of having 8 gold medals hanging on their neck gracing the front of Sports Illustrated... check out that Michael Phelps! Or nail the high bar with an extremely difficult routine like our OU Sooner, Jonathan Horton!

And, as we remain glued to the excitement of medals, the sorrow of knocked over hurdles, the off balance falls, my heart has basked in gratefulness. Gratefulness that I don't have to live life in perfect balance, dominating endurance, and perfect form. All of us in the pool of life just won't measure up to Gold Medal performances. I'm not the perfect mom or friend. Further more, my nature is to not do the hard work it takes to pursue the excellence needed in all areas of life. Sure there are a few that gain my unyielding passion, but settling for mediocrity or just good enough seems very acceptable at times in the face of extreme commitment or the pain in reaching my goal. It is for that reason, the lack of performance in life to strive in all things to do what is right, where deep gratefulness resides. Gratefulness to God that it is not my performance or works that makes me His child. When life is on a high balance beam and I loose balance, it is not me on whom I depend. When I can't seem to go on anymore and feel the waters closing in, unable to get enough breath, it is He who gives me enough stamina to take one more stroke or dive. He is a coach that hasn't ignored me in the pool of life because I'm not a "champion". No, because of the shed blood, death and resurrection of the perfect One, you and I are seen as Champions in all things, if we have believed and embraced this truth about his sacrifice. Indeed, it is His Son, who helps me finish the race...and the perfect One sees me as His child and promises me rewards and a place with Him... a place dressed in gold, with singing of praises instead of a national anthem!

Yes, the Olympics are a huge part of the Casselberry's lives this week. But, may the Olympics of heaven be the daily passion of our hearts, the very balance of our lives. May we drink deeply of the gratefulness of challenge and in the realization that there is a coach that is perfect in our training. Living with Him eternally is the real gold medal.

It's warm, windy and unpredictable...

2008-05-11T00:17:00.002-04:00

... ahh, who says that we can't see God? In the power and the warmth of spring, and flowers that bloom, He gives evidence through His creation of who He is.

... in warmth, in wind, in rain, and severe weather... there is one that causes flowers to bloom, the sun to rise and set, and men to lean on God.

...tonight 9 are dead 80 miles from here due to tornadoes. They are still searching for more to help, or count.
May they find help in His incredible leading and care, and still find flowers that are blooming...evidence of His care in the midst of their chaos and helplessness. May I be diligent to pray for them....

May we always know Him, and know Him well.

Hugs to you all...

Of bannisters and gloves...

2008-01-18T10:33:00.000-05:00

Two events in life will always bring a sense of wonderment and awe to how fearfully and wonderfully we are made. The first was experienced several years ago when my brother, Monte, and I decided to rent the house we were raised in for a family reunion in South Dakota. It is now a Hunting Lodge. All of us cousins went throughout the house together, remembering the laughter, the sorrow (my uncle died there of aortic cancer, I found him as he cried for help bleeding to death), the games of hide and seek, and the bedrooms so cold we could see our breath at night as we huddled beneath our flannel covers. Then it happened. I touched the bannister of the stairs as I was about to descend them...and it felt like yesterday. The touch in my fingers and brain were not at all aware it had been 35 years since I had touched the smooth wood...they knew the banister. They had been inseparable over the years, forever etched in my nerves and memory. And I was filled with awe...and still am.

The second happened on our way to Lookout Mountain. It was a cool morning and I asked Jonathan to grab my driving gloves from out of my purse. I had pulled them off of the closet shelf a couple of weeks ago, just in case I would want them in the cooler weather of Oklahoma. Jonathan dug around and pulled them out and said, eyes bright and dancing, "Grammie,... they smell like Grammie!" Sure enough, he put them up to my nose and we both smiled and laughed. It has been 7 years since we said good-bye to Grammie as she went home to the Lord, and our sense of smell remembered her on this small article of clothing. At Covenant, we made Katie close her eyes, and putting the gloves under her nose (she was apprehensive :0)!) she immediately said, "Grammie!" Grammie's aroma brought joy to our hearts and smiles to our lips. How marvelously our smell and brain worked to remember and recall our love for her just with a whiff of her aroma...her perfume.

I can't help to first praise God for how wonderfully He has made us...senses, memories, and emotions. And as I sit here, Bible open, I pray that my life will be one that is lived in such a way that when He touches me, He remembers my strong, quick response to His touch...just as my fingers remembered the faithful strength of the bannister. I pray that as I live my life here, I will live it in such a way that the aroma causes His eyes to brighten, His heart to dance and rejoice at the memories of how I lived life with Him.

May I be an aroma to the only Great God.

"To God our Savior, Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty, Dominion and power
Both now and forever.
Amen!"

Good morning....

2008-01-18T09:18:00.000-05:00

I'm eating my breakfast in the bright sunshine of Lookout Mountain, GA while Jonathan is surrounded in a "fishbowl" of professors at Covenant College, grilling the students in the middle circle in an effort to see who they want to reward with top scholarship opportunities in the fall's Freshman class. I sit in the calm, wooded home of Jane and Henry who so graciously host me when I am here, and pray for my son's ability and character in an intimidating atmosphere... and can't help but ask... how many more times in life will I have the privilege to pray for him in such a manner? Even as I sit here, I feel some tension of nervousness... in sympathy. The funny thing is, he is probably not at all nervous!! Yesterday when I asked him if he was at all anxious he said, "No....I trust that God will be true to give the scholarship to those who need and deserve it." Just as we have always said our desire is, to not stand in the way of someone's education who without the scholarship money would not be able to attend Covenant, Jonathan states his heart is there as well. But just the process is such good experience for life. The understanding that others will and do challenge your abilities, whether by their natural giftedness, or their perseverance and hard work. And one day, he will be praying for someone, maybe a son or friend, who is in a fishbowl of life...and he will know how to pray.

His time is up! Wonder how it went! I thank God for the many diverse experiences, tough and fun, that we have the privilege to savor...and may we savor them, not just live them !

(Phone rings) Oh, it's him! And guess what. He wasn't nervous... said it was "very different". Now is that an answer to my prayer, or just an easy going kid... which is also an answer to prayer (Sometimes!!! You moms know what I mean!).

Well, guess it is conclusive... an answer to prayer...and a forshadowing of God's faithfulness in the next two interviews, the tough ones to come!

Let me introduce to you...

2007-12-30T14:51:00.001-05:00

...Pascaline!

Pascaline is my "French daughter"! She has come to live with us for 9 months. She arrived in August. She is doing an internship for her university at Voice of the Martyrs. It has been a delight to have her here. The only places in the US she had previously seen were Oklahoma and Houston, therefore, we decided we needed to get her to Denver for Christmas to see the Rockies. She liked what she saw! ;0) Here she and Katie are enjoying snowy Colorado!

We are learning so much from her. We are being encouraged to "press on" even harder as we learn first hand from her reactions and surprise to what she sees in the American church, a thing that we have often talked about... mediocrity in passion. In France, a relationship with God and all that it brings is so counter cultural, that when found, it is a true treasure. She is saddened that our passion in worship and serving does not reflect our treasure. Maybe I will have her guest log about it someday! What encouragement for us in Christ's family to stay the course where Christianity is not at this moment counter-cultural, though on it's way, to not be mediocre in our living for the Lord. The persecuted or alone Christian cultures have much to teach us... about dying for our belief, yes, but also about living in such a way that we do not find ourselves as well in a counter-culture or oppression of our belief in Christ... a half-hearted service or worship. May passionate, service minded lovers of God come against the mediocrity of God's church... that we may be "in whom I am well-pleased."

Thanks to Pascaline for again reminding us what we have, and stand to lose...

It's been a another year...

2007-12-30T11:49:00.000-05:00

I could have wished you a blessed Christmas... from sunny and snowy and snowing... Colorado! But, I was too slow! We spent it with Becky in Littleton, and though we missed Ryan, we had the fun of visiting with him an hour by web cam/phone! We had not seen him since August, except in a few pictures, and it was fun watching him as he peeled carrots for Christmas dinner. I just couldn't hug him! We showed him the lights on Becky's tree that Jonathan had put on... many on the bottom, few on the top... our "bottom heavy light" tree, and he his apartment living room. It was a joy! We look forward to having Christmas in July with him.

Life has gone so fast in 2007, and 2008 will bring so many changes...an empty nest, finding anew those things in which God wants me involved, having my own freedom for the first time in, ahh, 26 years. Marriage and parenthood changed my life in a drastic way and I would trade it not, but this new freedom is rather beckoning and exciting. Ah, exciting life! And this is nothing compared to my real home, heaven. Now, there will be real life! And, as you have heard before, I am looking forward to it, even longing for it, but not at the expense of frittering away the life I have been asked to live here...as a tool in a good, good God's hand.

I loved the thought given to us by Becky's pastor on Christmas Sunday...that Mary, Jesus' mother, as a member of the first church, WORSHIPPED HER SON! I'd always known she believed, but never thought of the depth, or the unnaturalness of it all! Yes, this baby grew up without sin, and that had to be life altering for a mom, but totally subordinate to a son? Worshipping him? (Sorry, Jon and Ryan, you are wonderful sons, but not worship material! The delight to my heart is you know it! Love you both!) Even as a family grows older together, Mom and Dad usually have the edge on wisdom of experience and living, let alone what they may have learned in their faith along the way! And to my great joy and humility, I have found God to be faithful to teach me from His Word, without the schooling my children have had the privilege to gain. As a matter of fact, it is a delight to my soul that what God has revealed to me in His Word... is really no different that what they are concluding in their strong education... it's just that I am more restricted to communicate it in less intellectual ways...in vocabulary and in philosophical ideas or terms. Indeed, I'm limited in terminology to communicate to you who this Jesus is to me, what He has done for me, and what He has revealed to me... and all of it is a very good thing. I don't have the potential traps set by intellect (though I love learning and listening to such conversations, and participate and learn), and I do use the simplicity of understanding what is most important... that Christ died on the cross and I am saved from my sin by simply believing He did so. That I am a daughter now of the Great King, and He will take me home someday, but in the meantime... gives me life abundantly, even amongst the junk of it all! That there are those in this world who do not believe and they too will live eternally... separated from God. Which brings me back to Mary...she realized her son was The Son... as simple as that. She watched Him die, she saw Him raised, she heard of His ascension... she believed. Therefore she worshipped.

May I worship the Son in 2008 as never before... He my husband, my companion, the protector of my gone away children! May I never be hesitant to jump into life for HIm!

Ahh... the next holiday is Easter, my favorite of all, because,

Christmas began what Easter completed!
... the salvation of our eternal soul!

Life is good! Have a blessed New Year!

Remembering....with thanks!!

2007-10-29T10:38:00.000-04:00

This is so well said. It took me back to hearing David's diagnosis of brain cancer and later sitting by his bed as I wondered when relief would come for him in the form of our Lord taking Him home, and we here would find relief as well from watching a loved one loose his strength, mental capacity and personality...the drying up of his physical body. We found it true that those who have a personal relationship with God, receiving His gift by faith of dying on the cross, grieve differently. How grateful I am that Tony Snow has that same relationship and release. God is in control, and that frees us to LIVE...and live it exuberently and with focus... with "no regrets". What a blessing it is to rest in a loving, good God's hands...in all circumstances!!!

This is an outstanding testimony from Tony Snow, President Bush's Press Secretary, and his fight with cancer. Commentator and broadcaster Tony Snow announced that he had colon cancer in 2005. Following surgery and chemo-therapy, Snow joined the Bush Administration in April 2006 as press secretary. Unfortunately, on March 23, 2007, Snow, 51, a husband and father of three, announced the cancer had recurred, with tumors found in his abdomen, leading to surgery in April, followed by more chemotherapy. Snow went back to work in the White House Briefing Room on May 30, but has resigned since, "for economic reasons," and to pursue " other interests."

It needs little intro... it speaks for itself.

"Blessings arrive in unexpected packages, - in my case, cancer. Those
of us with potentially fatal diseases - and there are millions in
America today - find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our
mortality while trying to fathom God's will. Although it would be the
height of presumption to declare with confidence "What It All Means,"
Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.

The first is that we shouldn't spend too much time trying to answer
the "why" questions: Why me? Why must people suffer? Why can't someone
else get sick? We can't answer such things, and the questions
themselves often are designed more to express our anguish than to
solicit an answer. I don't know why I have cancer, and I don't much care. It is what it is, a plain and indisputable fact. Yet even while staring into a
mirror darkly, great and stunning truths begin to take shape. Our
maladies define a central feature of our existence: We are fallen. We
are imperfect. Our bodies give out.

But despite this, - or because of it, - God offers the possibility of
salvation and grace. We don't know how the narrative of our lives will
end, but we get to choose how to use the interval between now and the
moment we meet our Creator face-to-face.

Second, we need to get past the anxiety. The mere thought of dying can
send adrenaline flooding through your system. A dizzy, unfocused panic
seizes you. Your heart thumps; your head swims. You think of
nothingness and swoon. You fear partings; you worry about the impact
on family and friends. You fidget and get nowhere.

To regain footing, remember that we were born not into death, but into
life,- and that the journey continues after we have finished our days
on this earth. We accept this on faith, but that faith is nourished by
a conviction that stirs even within many non believing hearts - an
intuition that the gift of life, once given, cannot be taken away.
Those who have been stricken enjoy the special privilege of being able
to fight with their might, main, and faith to live fully, richly,
exuberantly - no matter how their days may be numbered.

Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want
lives of simple, predictable ease,- smooth, even trails as far as the
eye can see, - but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with
twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our
endurance; and comprehension - and yet don't. By His love and grace,
we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs
churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and
joy we would not experience otherwise.

'You Have Been Called'. Picture yourself in a hospital bed. The fog
of anesthesia has begun to wear away. A doctor stands at your feet, a
loved one holds your hand at the side. "It's cancer," the healer
announces.

The natural reaction is to turn to God and ask him to serve as a
cosmic Santa. "Dear God, make it all go away. Make everything
simpler." But another voice whispers: "You have been called." Your
quandary has drawn you closer to God, closer to those you love, closer
to the issues that matter,- and has dragged into insignificance the
banal concerns that occupy our "normal time."

There's another kind of response, although usually short-lived an
inexplicable shudder of excitement, as if a clarifying moment of
calamity has swept away everything trivial and tiny, and placed before
us the challenge of important questions.

The moment you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change.
You discover that Christianity is not something doughy, passive,
pious, and soft. Faith may be the substance of things hoped for, the
evidence of things not seen. But it also draws you into a world shorn
of fearful caution. The life of belief teems with thrills, boldness,
danger, shocks, reversals, triumphs, and epiphanies. Think of Paul,
traipsing through the known world and contemplating trips to what must
have seemed the antipodes ( Spain ), shaking the dust from his
sandals, worrying not about the morrow, but only about the moment.

There's nothing wilder than a life of humble virtue, - for it is
through selflessness and service that God wrings from our bodies and
spirits the most we ever could give, the most we ever could offer, and
the most we ever could do.

Finally, we can let love change everything. When Jesus was faced with
the prospect of crucifixion, he grieved not for himself, but for us.
He cried for Jerusalem before entering the holy city. From the Cross,
he took on the cumulative burden of human sin and weakness, and begged
for forgiveness on our behalf.

We get repeated chances to learn that life is not about us, that we
acquire purpose and satisfaction by sharing in God's love for others.
Sickness gets us part way there. It reminds us of our limitations and
dependence. But it also gives us a chance to serve the healthy. A
minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave
afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones
accept the burden of two peoples' worries and fears.

'Learning How to Live'. Most of us have watched friends as they
drifted toward God's arms, not with resignation, but with peace and
hope. In so doing, they have taught us not how to die, but how to
live. They have emulated Christ by transmitting the power and
authority of love.

I sat by my best friend's bedside a few years ago as a wasting cancer
took him away. He kept at his table a worn Bible and a 1928 edition of
the Book of Common Prayer. A shattering grief disabled his family,
many of his old friends, and at least one priest. Here was an humble
and very good guy, someone who apologized when he winced with pain
because he thought it made his guest uncomfortable. He retained his
equanimity and good humor literally until his last conscious moment.
"I'm going to try to beat [this cancer]," he told me several months
before he died. "But if I don't, I'll see you on the other side."

His gift was to remind everyone around him that even though God
doesn't promise us tomorrow, he does promise us eternity, - filled
with life and love we cannot comprehend, - and that one can in the
throes of sickness point the rest of us toward timeless truths that
will help us weather future storms.

Through such trials, God bids us to choose: Do we believe, or do we
not? Will we be bold enough to love, daring enough to serve, humble
enough to submit, and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations?
Can we surrender our concern in things that don't matter so that we
might devote our remaining days to things that do?

When our faith flags, he throws reminders in our way. Think of the
prayer warriors in our midst. They change things, and those of us who
have been on the receiving end of their petitions and intercessions
know it. It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the
hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the
Spirit. Somehow you just know: Others have chosen, when talking to the
Author of all creation, to lift us up, - to speak of us!

This is love of a very special order. But so is the ability to sit
back and appreciate the wonder of every created thing. The mere
thought of death somehow makes every blessing vivid, every happiness
more luminous and intense. We may not know how our contest with
sickness will end, but we have felt the ineluctable touch of God.

What is man that Thou art mindful of him? We don't know much, but we
know this: No matter where we are, no matter what we do, no matter how
bleak or frightening our prospects, each and every one of us who
believe, each and every day, lies in the same safe and impregnable
place, in the hollow of God's hand." T. Snow

Ahh, nothing like a....

2007-09-09T15:53:00.000-04:00

...good tackle!

Friday night I watched my dear son sweat and grunt through a football game. I had struggled with driving so far alone, especially since it was threatening to rain, but I took my caffeine, tuned in my classic 60-70's rock to keep me awake and drove. I got there at half-time. The boys were ahead, but the affirmation of my efforts to support my dear Jonathan came in a gift from God wrapped as a "picture perfect" tackle right in front of me, as I strained to see everything from my chair. The tackler? No one other that my big son, Jon!! I shouted, "That's a way, Jon", and the smile I got from behind that helmet grill will forever be etched in my mind. Broad, handsome, and delighted...a communication between mom and son alone! To think I could have decided not to drive and miss one of the most special moments in life...

Have I said how much I love that guy? God, thank you for the privilege of being his biggest fan...

Ahh, there is simply nothing like a good tackle... and a knowing smile between mom and son...

Fall is coming...again!

2007-09-09T00:06:00.000-04:00

...and I'm glad to be home for awhile!!

Kids are off to their destinations and now I can be home to get many things done that have been screaming for attention and ignored!

It's been awhile since I have felt like I have more energy to give... not so burned out. I'm enrolled in a month's long flower arrangement class and will do a holiday one in November as well. I'm doing the Bible study at church and a leadership study. Jonathan's football season is in full swing and I want to get to Denver to see Becky and Covenant to see Katie...

...How I love life!!!

Life is at high speed....

2007-07-27T00:12:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting spring... and summer. We have no shortage of rain. I cannot remember when it has rained everyday until the last week of July! Pictured is the flood that kept us an island for 4-5 days. it was pretty incredible.

Much traveling is getting done so that Ryan gets everywhere before he leaves. Tomorrow we leave to see my brother in Wisconsin. We so look forward to it. And, there is a trip to Denver to take Ryan up there and possible trip to Covenant to get Katie back to college. Poor Jonathan, he'll think I've forgotten to be his Mom!!

To think there is a day that none of us Believers will be separated and the wonders of this world will be uncorrupted and ready for many vacations with those we love. Ummm...

Guess I'd better hit the sack so I can drive tomorrow! I need my sleep!

Heaven...

2007-02-01T11:24:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about heaven lately. Lots. Many facets of my life have reminders for me that this is not my home... and that there is a goal for my living life on earth. I pray I run the race well. So, to keep my eyes on the goal that makes the hard things in life worth it, I decided to listen to Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven. I highly recommend reading it. It has been a great source of joy in support of what I have believed about our eternal dwelling, and also expands on what that could look like in greater detail. My finite mind has trouble grasping everything...I can imagine, but it falls far short of the reality of my new home.

You see, yesterday would have been my husbands 49th birthday. I miss him desperately at times. Three weeks ago I returned from Minnesota to see Ardith, my mother's cousin who is like an aunt to me, who is dying of pancreatic cancer. I have, in most probability, seen her for the last time on this earth. The day before I left to see her, I attended 2 memorials. One was for Benji Hawk, a student at Oklahoma Wesleyan University who loved his Lord whole-heartedly. He died a highly experienced skiier, on an intermediate slop, at a moderate rate of speed skiing with friends just before Christmas. (For a glimpse of this young man, check out the OkWU web-site and connect to the memorial link, or those of you who have facebook, try to locate his site.) The second one was for an 8 year old boy that died of an asthma attack. I have no guarantee that I will have a "safe" trip when I hop in the car to visit my kids...or go get groceries. I know that death is not a respecter of my plans. I do not fear death... though I am sometimes anxious of the process of my departing, and that I represent the One who has carried me through life, well in that process. I look forward to heaven...

In the meantime, I love here. It isn't the things I have, the place I live. It is those I love. My children... I love them desperately. The "children" they have brought me through their friendships at college and school. Those from my being "Mom away from home" for those at OWU... It is those I love who keep me here and loving it. Life is a privilege to accomplish the kingdom work. I want to live a life that will convince others that my heavenly mindedness is real. That there is a God whose Son died for their sin, and belief alone, the asking of forgiveness for that sin, is what gives each of us a personal relationship with Him. I do not want to be so heavenly minded in a self-focused way that I don't desire to see others join me in that eternal place. After all, this 70 to a 100 years of life is but a blink in time in light of eternity. It will be over very soon.

Eternity. Heaven. When the earth and heavens are made new, the beautiful creation as we know it (yes, Becky your Rockies, yes, Ryan and Katie, your Appalachians, and yes, Zippy, our South Dakota/Oklahoma/Nebraska prairie sunrises and sets) will be a pale representation of the heavenly. A new, unblemished creation without the effects of damaging weather and pollution will be ours to see. We will never run out of time to tour with our favorite tour guide... the Creator Himself... with those which we always wanted to spend more time. I expect that I will raise my arms, singing at the top of my lungs, surrounded by those I have sent on before me, tearfully expressing the joy of experiencing His eternal gift to me. And those I have loved, those grandparents or family that have gone before in faith that I did not know, will be expressing the same joy though they have been there 5-150 years... for their joy will have not faded from the day they came...ever new.

Heaven... "I can only imagine"... and will continue to do so until imagination is paled by reality.

When we ignore the red flags...

2006-10-19T18:18:00.001-04:00

I was greatly challenged this week in thinking about David in II Samuel. I was listening to a teacher that mentioned that David made his own, devestating decisions, in spite of God's gentle, though not so subtle nudges to do what was right. One of the first of God's nudgings, though not so gentle, is through Abigail. Abigail pleads for David to not let his anger toward her husband bring stain (the murder of her husband) against one who is one day to be the king. David listened and was grateful for God's saving him from a regrettable action in anger, and for the one obedient to deliver it, Abigail. We also see David later listening to God's "red flag" through Joab. In Samuel 19, Joab confronts David in his grief over Absalom's death (the son who was trying to take over David's position as king), warning that those who have loved and served him faithfully would look upon David's grief and lack of gratefulness to them as a threat, alienating them from King David. David listened and spoke to his faithful with thanks.

However, there are other times that David didn't heed the "red flags" sent by the Lord. For instance, it is recorded that when kings went out to war, King David stayed home. As he was walking, his eyes saw a beautiful maid, Bathsheba, bathing on the rooftop. David inquired about her, asking her to be brought to him and we read, "And one said, 'Is this not the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?' " The nudge to jar his senses to not pursue sin is delivered. You know what he did. He sent for her anyway and lay with her. The results are sickening... an unwanted pregnancy, leading to an attempt to cover wrongdoing which failed, leading to premeditated murder. The punishment for his sin was almost unbeareable...he would be the King of War ( 2 Samuel 12:10), evil would rise up against him in his own household, as well as a companion laying with David's wives in broad day light (both fulfilled by his son Absalom) , and the final blow...Bathsheba's boy would die. There was not enough remorse, and David was very remorseful, to change God's discipline. I'm sure God wanted David to learn his lesson well, just as he wants me to learn my lessons when flirting with and choosing sin. One would think that we would never again see David choose other than what God says to do....

But, David makes a decision to number his soldiers and horses in chapter 24...and God has said not to... so that Israel would depend on their God and not their "resources". Joab again is used to deliver accountability to obedience , " Now may the Lord your God add to the people a hundred times as many as they are, while the eyes of my lord the king still see; but why does my lord the king delight in this thing?" Joab, as respectfully as he could in approaching his King, his boss, is saying, "Don't do this... and embarass and bring shame on your country and kingship!" David follows his own wisdom, however, and sends Joab out to number his men, against the Lord's commands. Something different happens this time. David becomes aware of his wrongdoing without anyone having to confront him. As the numbers are coming in, he becomes remorseful and goes to God...troubled with his actions. God responds this time by giving David his choice of punishment...7 years of famine in the land, fleeing before foes for 3 months, or 3 days of pestilence throughout the nation. David chose the later...not wanting to "fall into the hands of men". It is recorded that 70,000 men from Beersheba to Dan died, and just as the angel was raising his hand toward Jerusalem, God relented. At that moment, David saw the angel and remorse seized him. From his heart he begged, "Behold it is I who have sinned and it is I who have done wrong; but these sheep, what have they done? Please let Thy hand stand against me and against my father's house." Following a command from God, David erected an altar and the Lord was moved and the plague was held back.

Where do I start? David whom God names as a man with a "whole heart for God" ignored God's loving red flags, warnings "not to go there." He followed His own way and there were consequences. The first time, he had to be cornered by the prophet Nathan...and the discipline was unbearable. But David knew he deserved it and chose to pick himself up and go on. The second time he regretted his actions right after the numbers came in, before confrontation by God or God's prophet, Gad. Therefore, God gave David the choice of punishment. We still see David's selfish heart, "but do not let me fall into the hand of man", but as word came to the king of all the dying men, 70,000, he became even more remorseful, begging the punishment to be upon himself and his father's house. David seemingly really changed... finally! From selfish to selfless. From "who me?", to "I'm the guilty." The closing of his life comes and Soloman, Bethsheba's son is given the throne.

There is one more thing. After really "blowing it" all these times, does David sit around and mope? After all, his greatest dream, building a temple to house his God, has become a lost dream... part of the consequences of his sin. NO! He then decides that he may not be able to complete his dream, but he can do the work needed to be the best of help for the one who would get to build the temple. We see that David in the later years of his reign collecting all the materials needed for his son to be able to get straight to the work of building God's house instead of being depressed or bitter with the situation.

So, how well have I learned these lessons?

Do I listen to those nudges or red flags God sends my way...His efforts to keep me in obedience and thus escape those things undesired?

Do I accept discipline and see God's loving hand in it? Do I accept my own discipline, taking ownership of sin in my life, or "push" it off on others?

Do I give thanks for those in my life that are the prophet Gad or Joab to me... pointing out when I'm about to step into sin? How about when they call me to "ownership" of those things that are displeasing when "worn" by a child of God?

I need to listen...
I need to obey...

Good thing the Lord loved and helped King David...
Good thing He loves and helps me as well...

I need it!

Autumn...

2006-10-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

...the close of summer. Cool days and frost push out the warm embraces of spring and summer days. The young leave baby dependent days for food and shelter behind and start the survival bid on their own.

Seasons...4 a year. Then we start all over again. Seasons of a life...4... never to be repeated again. Dependency, adolescence, independence and old age...possible dependence in a different way. All in a plan. All for a divine purpose. I am approaching the fourth phase of my life... do I have the desire to be part of the Plan? Am I willing to do the work of molding and becoming more wise as the days go on? Who will I be as I enter that "old age"? I pray the answer is, "Just who He wanted me to be in representing Him and His big plan in life."

Let's get the work done while I have the energy left... OK? Winter makes me slow!!!

"But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith; praying in the Holy Spirit;
keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting anxiously for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ
to eternal life." Jude 20,21

I'm back...

2006-09-28T09:39:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. I'm of that generation that is the pen and paper pusher. Yet, as I do my journal each day, I've had the sense that I'm supposed to share it on this technology so part of our culture! You see, mentoring, or the sharing of my heart and the lessons I've learned in life, is something I've been told I do well. I've experienced many things in my life... divorce, miscarriages, brain cancer and early death of my children's father, my loving companion...and through it all, I've learned lessons in life.

For instance, I have come to realize I must be purposeful in acknowledging blessings. I have found it, in fact, to be very advantagous to actually write them down in a list. In the first 4 months of my husband's diagnosis of anaplastic astrocytoma of the brain (level 3 brain cancer), we kept track of the blessings that were already in place when we didn't know we needed them... a move to Houston, giving us MD Anderson Cancer Center, 2 families in our church that we'd known over the years...a ready made support system, and a move of our close friends and parenting partners to Houston as well... we lived 7 houses away from each other. I don't believe those "helps" just happened...and there were so many more. Today as a single mom, I continue to count my many blessings...and I don't intend to ever forget to do so!

There are many attitudes that I have choosen to take through the many roads in life, but one of the most important, I believe, is that I choose to count my blessings. There is so much for which to be thankful. Life may be taking place in the trenches of death and stress, but there are blessings also. So, from this point on, I wish to share with you my journey as I live life. Stuggling? Yes. Pain? Sometimes. Scared? More than you can imagine. But, thankful? Almost always... and I search for the road of thanks until I find it! I pray you will, too!

Not surprised... shocked!!!

2006-04-05T00:42:00.000-04:00

This weekend was all planned out... or so I thought! Dad came to see us and we were so excited. We had a great time! Saturday night he took us to Katie's choice of restaurant in Tulsa for her 18th.... and also celebrated my birthday! Little did I realize that while we left my home was being converted by Becky and friends for a 50th birthday celebration... mine!!!
I was shocked... to put it mildly. My mind couldn't take all the new information in... like I saw Becky... it took time to compute! Then I saw others, and finallly noticed my brother, Monte and Ryan... they said I had looked at them and didn't comprehend!!! The Weichbrodt's were here too!! Paige, Zippy, Corgans.. what can I say? It was a huge spread of wonderful food, great friends and lots of love poured out to me... especially by my dear daughters, Becky and Katie, who did so much planning and work. Girls, what a great job you did... and what memories you made for me!!!
Dearest to my heart are the people... my friends and family.... who make life wonderful. God has, in His wonderful plan given each of them to me... and I delight in His gift to me through each one. I cannot imagine life without those relationships that go beyond superficiality... and loves and cares as Christ. There is no other more significant understanding in life than to understand that those around me are blessings... put there by the Almighty God himself to show me His love for me. In all this I give great thanks... 50 years worth!!
Love you all... especially my Becky, Ryan, Katie and Jonathan. You are all incredible...He deems it so!!!

Exerpts from "Ideas Matter", Everett Piper Ph.D., Pres. of Oklahoma Wesleyan University

2006-02-26T20:25:00.000-05:00

Humm...

"For years, I, along with most all of my peers in higher education assumed that the human deveolpment theory was simply and purely an empirical fact. We believed that students came to college with ... minds where everything was black and white, right or wrong. We claimed that these students came to us with authority as the basis of all moral judgement. If the pastor said it was true, it was true. If mom said it was right it was right. If dad said it was wrong it was wrong. Accordingly, we in the ivory tower believed it was our obligation to challenge these students to grow beyound the dualism of a Judeao-Christian ethic, take off the blinders, and embrace the multiple and various facets of "truth". Surely our young people needed to step away from the comforts of home and churches and become more nuanced and "mature" in their morality and in their thinking.

I no longer believe this. In his recnet book, Educating Post-Modern America, Generation X Goes to College, Peter Sax contends that one of the basic characteristics of today's college students (and perhaps culture as a whole) is the pervasive and oxymoronic belief in absolute relativism. Sax argues that opinions are all that matter in the classrooms, boardrooms and bedrooms of contemporary life. It isn't that everything is black and white, right or wrong, but to the contrary, today nothing is black or white and nothing is right or wrong. ..... To the contrary, personal opinion rather that objective standards has become the final measure of all truth. The relative value of any action or belief is the only basis for judgment. ...one value or another is simply a matter of personal choice and personal preference. It's all relative..."Who are we to judge...?"

...Is Peter Sax referring to young people other than those in our schools, our shurches, and our neighborhoods? Is this a critique of a culture elsewhere--somebody else's but not ours? All I know is this: ... (I) am awakened to the sobering limitations of prevailing academic fads. Human development theory has its place but it falls far short of providing the "liberal" environment and consequent learning that it claims as its highest good. You see, the word liberal implies liberation. And implicit in the word "liberation" is the presupposition that there are bad things from which we should be liberatied. It is not bad because we think so. It is bad simply because it is. The holocaust was evil not just in the minds of those who disagreed with it. It was explicitly and absolutely bad because it violated an immutable and transcendent moral standard. It was, is and always will be simply wrong to incinerate people in furnaces because you have more political power than they do. But here is the sobering reality-- our young people today (and I have had tons of them in under my tutelage) do not have the intellectual training and moral confidence to defend the logic of the previous several sentences.

Ideas matter. Ideas that disparage the time-tested truths of an earlier day while fawning over the newest intellectual fads may lead us down a very dangerous path..."

Food for thought!!!

Long time no read.... from me!!!

2006-02-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

Did you think I'd left for good? I had a long post written the other day and I had to leave for an appointment...hit a wrong key and... you got it... it disappeared. It will be interesting if any of you are looking anymore... or have given up on me!!!

Lots has happened...to Lookout Mountain, GA to see Ryan and take Katie to Covenant... I love that college... because of the kids that go there!!! I've started speaking with Christian Women's Clubs... and will be speaking here on the 9th. I've gotten through a 5th Valentine's Day and anniversary (it would have been our 25th) without David, and I am currently in the throes of following and supporting Katie and Jonathan in debate tournaments...which I love!!! What else can a mother do? It's not always clean house, let me tell you!!! And it can drive me nuts!!!

And admidst all that...I'm also going to start practicing what I teach... slow down and sit before God... so I can hear Him. I have found myself so busy with so many things that I have not given to Him enough time for listening to Him. My goal is to start keeping 2 hours in the am for me... to study the Word and pray. I want to let Him open any closets that I might be hiding from Him... or even hiding from me. How we cleverly do that! We don't want to "go there"... we often have to wade through pain to get to the high ground of peace, or face our ugly flaws to achieve the beauty we so desire. Oh, if we only would realize the fullness of being His daughter or son...then we could see our beauty and value through the flaws and pain here on this earth. That closet wouldn't hold the "monsters" we don't want to see or slay. Indeed, we would face them squarely... with the one beside us that grants us protection and purpose, beauty and peace....

...and that is what I'm going to do. He loves me enough to make me whole!!! (Right, Ryan?) So, though my schedule seems clogged as ever...my closets are going to be hunted down... and cleaned.

I'd appreciate your prayers....

Alright...

2006-01-24T15:49:00.000-05:00

... I will write later. I had a long blog to post, hit a wrong key, and Pooffff... it was gone. Now I don't have time to write what I had down... ba humbug!

Technology doesn't like me....

Hugs do....

Mom of many....to you.

Denver... we have arrived!!!

2005-12-19T12:08:00.000-05:00

We drove 12 hours yesterday to get to Becky's condo in Denver. We have the blessing of spending Christmas with her... she has this week off and we are going to ski for the first time in any of our lives!! I'll try to give you a day by day report of how things are going!!

In the meantime, some of you have asked for my Chocolate Mousse Cake recipe... so here it is!!

Chocolate Mousse Celebration Cake

Bake a Devil's Food cake according to the instructions on the box...cool.
In the meantime, prepare the mousse.

Chocolate Mousse

1 1/2 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips- partially melt in microwave.

Bring to boiling:
1/3 c. whipping cream
3 Tbsp. sugar
Pour over the chips and stir until well blended and chips melted.
Add:
1/4 c. coffee liquor
2 Tbsp. oil
1 Tbsp. vanilla
Beat until creamy. Cool to room temp.
Fold into mixture:
4-5 cups Cool-Whip... I use fat-free
Refridgerate for 20-30 minutes.

Cut the 2 cake layers in 2 and layer between each section the choclolate
mousse. Prepare the frosting.

Frosting

1 1/2 c. whipping cream
1 1/4 c. powdered sugar
1/3c. cocoa
1/2 tsp. vanilla
Place in bowl and whip to consistency of firm whipped cream. Frost the
cake.

Chocolate leaves for garnishing:

Melt:
1/2 c. semi-sweet chips
1 tsp. shortening
Take washed and dried leaves of choice, rose or holly .and paint chocolate onto the back of the leaf. Cool and peel leaves off of the chocolate. Use to decorate.

ENJOY!!

This is one of our family's favorites...but oh, so rich!

See you soon.

HE IS BORN!!

It's just days away...

2005-11-21T22:28:00.000-05:00

... that we stop to give thanks for the many things we've been given. I am most humbled that I have been given so much... rich in relationships and full in love with life. Days are not always easy, nor "fair", life throws curve balls, but how thankful I am that I serve a God in control of it all. He never twiddles His thumbs wondering what to do next, and He pursues what is best for me... so that I may become more like Him. How grateful I am, that He pursues in my life the right plan to make me...better...like the daughter of God I am called, adopted and destined to be. He will not relent, cause there is much work to do and He loves me so much that He will persevere with me!!! Can you believe that?

"Give thanks, with a grateful heart,
Give thanks, to the HOLY ONE,
Give thanks, because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son..."

... there and there alone is the place of goodness...the heart of thankfulness. No matter what life brings, nothing changes the goodness and love that flowed down that tree...for you... for me.

Don't do Thanksgiving without Him...the Pilgrim's didn't!!!

Only days away... is Thanksgiving!

2005-11-09T22:37:00.000-05:00

Helloooo.....

Just before I head to bed to catch up on the many hours of sleep I am behind on, I want to let you know how thankful I am for all of you. Life is busy, and too many times we do not slow down enough to reflect to each other how we would miss them or see and compliment each other for the strengths He has given us. So, I so appreciate your own uniques gifts and watching you grow into them and use them to His glory.

Am headed to bed... am trying to fall asleep at this key board....

Mama C

Up I go, into the wild blue yonder...

2005-11-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

... to see Becky!!! Yeah!!! I haven't seen her since July! Oh, my! So, the next time you hear from me I will have been to the Mile-High City and had coffee and fun with my dear daughter. Just remember, ency is a sin!!!! :0)

Love you all, Mama C.

Frosting...

2005-10-31T20:54:00.000-05:00

For those of you who requested it...

Easy Decorator Frosting

1/2 c. shortening
1/2 c. butter
4 - 4 1/2 c. powdered sugar
1 teaspoon almond flavoring
2 Tablespoons milk or half-and-half

Beat on high speed until fluffy..will keep in the refridgerator for up to 2 weeks. Bring to room temperature and beat again before using. Color as desired.

Covers equivalent to 8-9 inch round double layer cake.

... and for those chilly nights...

Zucchini and Summer Squash Soup

2-3 medium zucchini, 1/2 inch slices
2-3 medium yellow squash, 1/2 inch slices
1/2 cup chopped onion

Saute the above in 2/3 tablespoons of olive oil.

Add:

8-10 cups water to which 8-10 teaspoons of instant chicken boullion have been added.
2-3 Tablespoons of pesto, according to taste
More garlic to taste.

Cook, serve with croutons or french bread. Warms your insides and good on your waistline!!!!

Love to you all, Mama C.

Monday night quiet...

2005-10-31T19:52:00.000-05:00

I'm home alone! The kids are off to harvest parties, and I'm home alone!! The quiet is nice. And, I can focus on tomorrow's Bible study that I'm teaching. Ephesians has been wonderful. How many times I've read it over the years, but, it's fresh and new again. It's funny how His word does that! The first 2 chapters focus on "who" we are... chosen, predestined as to salvation and becoming more like Him... all of that according to the "kind intention of His will", the cross! Chapter 3 focuses on: we are LOVED... again the ultimate act of that love is at the cross...
At the end of chapter 3, Paul again prays for the Ephesians... and the last 2 verses are, I am convinced, written with great emotion..."Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, acccording to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to alll generations forever and ever. Amen." Here is Paul, the one who passionately pursued those who believed in Christ, to hunt them down and kill them, protecting His Jewish heritage and what he knew to be true... now proclaiming the "mystery", of how Christ also died for the Gentiles... and Paul is pursuing the very ones, you and me, who were outside his Jewish heritage to let them know the liberty, grace and power available to them to live life in Christ. WOW! Paul was changed... totally!
And next week, we will, now that we know "who and whose" we are, learn how to "walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which (we've) been called." Is it a heavy responsibility... yes, until I fully understand that the cross also provided the power in the Spirit to do it all...indeed, it is the Lord's load. I just need to be the conduit of the power already given to me.

Oh, how I fail... to lean on Him.

Grace is soooo wonderful... sooo amazing. I do not deserve it, yet He has extended it fully to me.

His love...complete and wonderful... and "surpassing all knowledge", yet I can "be filled up to all the fulness of God". The more I love, the more I understand the sacrifice of His love. Especially when I am hurt by the ones I love... for it is then I understand more the sacrifice of His love... an almighty God who could anihilate those who hurt Him, leaves me to learn and fail, to love Him. Incredible...

Dear Brother Monte...

2005-10-24T20:24:00.000-04:00

...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MONTE... THE MOST WONDERFUL BROTHER IN THE WORLD...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

Love you little bro, Caroline

I'm back...

2005-10-24T09:46:00.000-04:00

... and what a special weekend it was. God carries me when I'm not sure what to expect. I love looking back on days or weekends like that. Pensive going in, knowing that it is fully out of my control, and the only thing I can do is trust Him. Listening to His voice. Quite by accident I stumbled into one room as they were praying. Leading them in the ACTS "form of prayer", what God did durning those moments was so poignant and moving that I knew God was encouraging me to spend time in prayer with each room. It was a special time for me... to be with all of you, who may be reading this, and listening to hearts that so desire to tweek their course and pursue God harder!!!

So enjoyed seeing you Lucky, Abbi, Sparks, Styx, Cassie, Jeanette, James... did I miss anyone? I look forward to Thanksgiving.

On the road home, I had to apply what I was teaching this weekend... things had not gone on at home as hoped or planned. God give me patience and grace... right now!!!

Have had a busy day. Had to take the dog to the vet, and we are giving her meds... treating her symptomaticly.... Nothing big and bad could be found. For that we give thanks.

Best run, need to do Bible study... Ephesians is so rich!!

Love to you all, Mama C.

Pine Cove, here I come!!!

2005-10-21T10:45:00.000-04:00

I'm headed to Pine Cove to teach a women's retreat, The Refiner's Fire, this weekend. I feel so inadequate, just where I want to be... "more of Him and less of me" will have to be the way I get through!!! Pray for the ladies, pray for me!!! Thanks.

Fun thing... coming from a Catholic elementary school test... spelling preserved:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world so He took the Sabbath off.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

...for you engineer types...

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

Have a great weekend!!!!!!

Hummm...

2005-10-21T10:19:00.000-04:00

As I sit in the Hampton Inn with my coffee and cereal, I am thinking of all of you. As I drove through the Oklahoma hills last night, I called some of you, but I prayed for lots of you... at Covenant, LeTourneau, at OWU, ACS, and my family and friends. What a way to love. Yet, I do it way to little, because an enemy keeps me too busy doing "great" things. Prayer is the greatest love note I can send you. When I, we, become truly convinced of that, realizing the utter need we have for prayer, we will be much wiser indeed. God has truly gifted each of you, me, with many abilities that He created for one thing alone...to serve the Kingdom of God, and bring Him glory...

... Wednesday, Katie, Jonathan and I saw that lived out again... in a man we had to bury in our community. At age 45, Tom came down with a virus and within 10 days it killed his heart. He had his heavenly homecoming Saturday evening. The funeral was so much like David's... a giant in the community that everyone loved, respected and now reels from the unfairness of life. Praised as a godly man in business, as a husband, as a father, God's kingdom was cast as a wonderful, safe place for those who believe. Tom believed that to die was gain, no matter how much he loved his wife and children, and would have never chosen to leave them. And, his children and wife know that to be true, too...evidence of a life well lived. Prayer will get them through... our prayers for them... their prayers to Him, the One and Only that has suffered and understands everything their heart cries during the pain of letting go to death and focusing on their loved ones eternal life...Just as prayer has gotten the Casselberrys through the earthly death of our loved one, David.

My memories are many today... he was a wonderful companion and husband, and I miss him much. How grateful I am that my God at the cross gave me the most "kind intention of His will", the sacrifice of His Son so that this life is only the "blink of an eye", and my hope lies well beyond the borders of this earth.

Love you all... am praying for you!!!!

It's morning...

2005-10-15T09:48:00.000-04:00

Never will I sit and look at a sunrise without awe that I know the One who painted it. The colors herald a new day and warmth surrounds my soul as it comes out of chill of night, not unlike the time when I sit at His feet and contemplate the Creator and His wonderful Word. I've been studying Ephesians... teaching it... (which I should be doing that now)..and can't help but think about the new beginnings of life. There is the day we are born, for all of us. There is each spring... babies in the meadow, spring grasses, flowers, chill to warmth each morning as you step outside...this South Dakota country girl loves these things!! There is each new morning... a new (yet old) sunshine, a refreshment from sleep (you adopted kids and my own better be getting enough! :0) ), an opportunity to do right what we failed at yesterday and to do what we need to do today. To start anew, pausing and listening to Him... slowing enough to hear. But the best new beginning of all is in the Lord. Chosen by the Almighty God according to "the kind intention of His will (Ephesians 1)", accepting His one and only Son's sacrifice for our sin (His death and resurrection from the dead), we have an incredible new beginning. One that never fades away, a covenant that has no time limit except eternity, and the promise of the Holy Spirit to be our seal, our identification that we are indeed His, walking in newness of life. What can I say but... WOW.

Then the sun goes down... but it's back every morning. Just like the Lord is constant in His love for you and me... every morning He awaits His beloved, you and I, to enjoy the day with Him.

Enjoy the morning!

Mama C.

It's all basic...

2005-10-11T23:47:00.000-04:00

... that is, the Basic Mix recipe of homemade Bisquick! As you have requested, here it is...

12 cups All -purpose flour (I use half to 2/3 whole wheat)
2 Tablespoons salt
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons baking powder
2 cups shortening or butter

Combine flour, salt and baking powder; sift. Cut in shortening with pastry blender, Kitchen Aid or food processor until mixture resembles coarse meal. Place in covered container. Store in the refridgerator or any cool place.
Yields: 14 to 14 1/2 cups.

Use for biscuits, muffins, shortcake, pancakes, coffe cakes, nut bread, etc.,

Biscuits

2 cups basic mix
1/2 cup milk

Mix and roll out to 1/2 inch thick, cut with biscuit cutter. Place on ungreased cookie sheet and bake at 450 degrees for 12 to 15 minutes. Yields 10 - 12 biscuits.

Drop Biscuits

2 cups mix
3/4 cup milk
Mix and drop onto a greased cookie sheet. Bake at 400 for 12- 15 minutes. Yields: 10- 12 biscuits

Muffins

2 cups basic mix
2 tablespoons sugar
1 well beaten egg
3/4 cup milk

Mix and fill muffin cups 2/3 full. Bake at 425 for 15 - 20 minutes.

Pancakes

2 cups basic mix
1 1/4 cups milk
2 well-beaten eggs

Mix and cook over medium heat on hot, greased skiillet. Yields: 18 pancakes

.... and one more thing that is basic to life... our understanding of God's sovereignty. What we believe about whether or not God is in control determines our gratefulness (or lack of ) as we live our life. It determines our level of confidence, peace and love of life. The scripture we treasure tells us He is the Most High God... El Elyon. No one or nothing has any authority over Him. Nothing... in the spiritual realm or here on earth. That is a delight to my soul (... as well as it's greatest struggle in the want of me being the authority over my own life). It especially excites me when I focus on His character. Today I taught the overview of Ephesians. Listed over and over again are evidences of how this God makes decisions of authority: "according to the KIND intent of His will", "according to His purpose", "according to His good will", "according to His extravagant grace". Yes, this loving God allows the good and hard in our lives, having sifted it through His loving fingers, "according to His kind intent of His will", and provides all we need through "His abundant grace".

...as David's (my dear husband) grandfather said when David's dad told him that David had brain cancer:
"Should we take good from Providence and not accept the hard?" It is a basic question worthy of our wrestling and answer.

Good night... God's blessings on you all.
Mama C.

It's too late...

2005-10-10T00:43:00.000-04:00

...for me to be doing this now. After all, I get up at 5:50 to do my walking with Dorea. I have to keep in shape somehow... and that's part of life at this age!! Besides, I want to keep up with my kids... skiing with Becky in Denver, climbing the Great Wall with Ryan someday... who knows!!!
So, it is to bed tonight ... and girls... I'll put the recipe for homemade Bisquick on tomorrow!!!

"Thanks to God for all my blessings"...In many shapes and personalities!
Good-night!