Thoughts from a busy mom of many

A Blessed Christmas to you...

2009-12-26T01:55:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas...

As I sit waiting for the Christmas bread to rise, the children as still in their beds. I love these hours each Christmas morning when it is just me, the bread, the Christmas lights and the music. It gives me time to pause and think on that small baby born so long ago, and yet, how He is so real today:

He is the Bread of Life... and as I knead the bread, I recall how I have often felt the push of life, sometimes so intense I would scream for relief. Yet, He has always been my portion, my rescuer, my comfort and peace.

He is the Light of the World... and as I wait for the bread to sit in warmth, untouched (for just a little while of relief), I gaze at the lights that surround me. The littlest lights burn the brightest. They glow. Jesus came into this world as a little baby and shed light to our world like no other has ever accomplished... and across time to every generation. And, wonder of wonders, as each of us came to the knowledge that He shed His blood for us and we embraced that truth, He made us lights to this world for which He would soon die.

He is the source of joy in all things... and as I sing to the traditional (and yes, new) Christmas music, I remember the angels and shepherds on that night. It had to be an anticipating, questioning hope as the shepherds listened to the "Halleljuhal" chorus of the evening as they followed the starlight in the country. But, it pulled their hearts with wonder. As I sing, I can't help but think about the coming "Hallelujah" chorus that we as Believers will have the privilege to sing with the other Believers of all generations from the beginning of time. My anticipation is full of that day as I write to you this morning. We who believe have a hope that the world can not comprehend...

A shower is running upstairs. In a few minutes, the "Blessings of my youth" will descend the stairs, and the quiet will become louder. As we sit down to Christmas bread, the final advent piece will come out of its box... the baby Jesus. We will say Luke 2: 1- 20 together, pray and the celebration begins... with Jesus at the center of our hearts.

The morning Mary travailed to give birth, she had no comprehension how her obedience would effect a Senior South Dakota girl in the fall of 1973... let alone the same, OK woman, through life to a Christmas morning of 2009. She knew, I'm convinced, she was kissing a very special babe as she touched and drank in the smell of that precious baby head. But, I'm also convinced, she had no idea what that would bring. As she tenderly kissed the face of GOD... her choice of obedience to GOD's plan is a blessing to me.

I pray this coming year, my obedience to Him will be a blessing to all of you.

Hallelujah.... He is born.

Mom/Caroline

"Ah Ha" Moments...

2009-08-30T17:17:00.004-04:00

I have now finished a study in Proverbs that I highly recommend by Kathleen Nielson, and the book that has taken me months to finish, Lost in the Middle. Perhaps it is because my life has many events in the living these last 12 months, that emotional work has taken a vested amount of time, or that a disorientation of what to do now that I, for the first time in 53 years, have truly been on my own or a combination of all (the truer picture) that it has taken so long to accomplish these 2 studies in my life. However, I have recently come to see that the truest scenario is... GOD's timing!

My blog over these last months has reflected the heartache and searching of a woman that was truly disoriented. The expressions were real and accurate. I concluded many years ago that living the story of my life for Him, would be best used by Him, when told vulnerably and accurately as occasions presented themselves. Not that all is exposed to anyone, for there are things best kept in nonpublic places, but the sharing of the process and journey is at the heart of who I am... a simple, sinful woman, with a very big, capable God. For if my journey can help any other woman in her living, that is a part of His use of my life in Him. I do not want to hinder His use of His own creation in anyway...so, I share pain, joy and what I have learned with Him in it all. Therefore, it is right and time for me to also share what I have found recently, taking me further away from hard places visited this year, to the time I am currently enjoying. Thus, I need to share some "ah ha" moments!

"Ah ha" moments are joyous times for me. They come after moments, months, years of shaking my head, or seeking the relief of a trembling heart, constant or sporadic. Since emotional aches seem to match the concern or pain experienced in the responsibility of many roles a woman has as widow and parent, with all fluctuating wildly at times…spinning heads and hearts become familiar. My spinning heart and head, this time around, came from many events happening all at once in my life... of which GOD seemed fit to pile them all into a 6 month period. I once heard a woman in ministry say (early 1900's, NO I am not that old!), "the greatest compliment GOD can pay you is when He stokes the furnace." I have remembered that multiple times in life, and smile at how true that rings. It, I have found, is actually a statement or act of His great care and jealous love for me. The stoking of the furnace means He is very near and watching very carefully what pressures I'm experiencing and who or what treasure He is forming. I know that, I teach that... and it is frustrating when I don't feel that. So, when all these things heaped in my life, they together pressurized my aloneness and meaning or value in this life. I found myself "feeling" lies... and struggling not to believe them. Concluding that, in my case, these things had to be true... circumstances told me so. I would pray...and would gain periodic, good relief... but even now, skeletons still sometimes rattle and raise issues and struggles over again. So, when a moment with the LORD brings the reaction, "ah ha", there is a sweep of excitement in knowing what the enemy is that I am battling. Those moments bring to me a name for the opposition ... an enemy at which I can take aim...

... and mine is/was named, IDENTITY REPLACEMENT. That is not the climax you were looking for, is it? Me neither. But it was real when I found it... and I'm sure in days ahead, I will still need to deal with it. Revelation of its presence started with the dissatisfaction in my perception of who I was to my young adult children. It didn't feel right. What was wrong with me? Transition was/is not easy for me relationally... though it has been asked of me again and again in my life story. I now realize that what had intensified or exacerbated this difficult process (as it is hard for any parent I've realized, even in the married who have each other to navigate it together), has been my single parenthood. I realized that as in every other difficult time in my life (divorce, miscarriage, burial of parents, brain cancer and burying my husband), I took a deep breath, prayed constantly, and poured myself into the task at hand... raising 4 children alone… in teen years. I, thanks to Him, didn't need to worry about finances, so there was no distraction of a job. I had felt lead and promised myself as well, that I would not date until all children had left home, choosing not to put them through the ups and downs of "mom's relationships". Ministry was done as a family...my responsibility in the LORD was them. I threw myself into the task at hand.

It is a serpent-like invasion into the soul, that lets one depend on the LORD, pray and do what He calls one to do...yet, simultaneously sends down deceptive, unseen roots into the heart. Little did I know that as I stepped up to the plate to do the hardest job asked of me on this earth, single parenting after burying my love in this life, the enemy would insidiously compromise who I was without detection. Sitting, reading and praying on my way to see my son internationally, it was in the Chicago airport that the first "ah ha" came. As I arrived and shared my heart with my son, I told him I felt I had detected an explanation of the turmoil I had experienced in the last year, but that I was still trying to process it. It involved the only thing I had so devoted my life to in the last 10 years... "the godly, wise mom"… and I was asking myself it it had become the center of life for me. But, somehow, I told him, it didn't fit the whole "ah ha" gap, though it was close. I had to process it. The next 2 days of study and time gave me the final "ah ha", and I thought about it long and hard before bringing it out for my son to see. It was the one that was the "relief ah ha". It fit. And it was much more insidious than any obvious idols we entreat. I realized I had replaced part of my identity as His child, his daughter, with the identity of a "loving, good, fun Mom, who was also loved". I, who have taught on the 3 W's of life, key of which is my IDENTITY in Him...ALONE! I who knew/knows I could never have made it in this life so far without my Father in Heaven, had slowly been invaded with a replacement in my heart. An identity replacement that then demanded finding my worth from the invading "kingdom"... or the results of my parenting, especially relationally.

Now, if worldly success could be the barometer sufficient to fill my worth gap, my children would be all I need. My children give me such joy in their relationships, callings and their hearts to follow God. We are close. But except for this highly relational woman, I could have skidded through without detection of the invasion. However, God made me relational, some of my children would say to the “extreme”. I cannot question Him on that... He knows best, but, it uncovered and identified my enemy for me after a prolonged struggle. You see, the replacement in my heart demanded from where I could feel loved. It was never fully satisfied, and I could never meet my own standards for the “good” mom. It left me struggling in pain. I had been needed for years by children that I deeply loved, and now the very normal process for which I raised them, independent and obedient to Him, left me often times, writhing. As I found the enemy, named it and refocused my IDENTITY in Him, the demand shrank… almost immediately bringing huge relief. Cured over night? I think not. (That would be the next lie the enemy could use, keeping me off guard.) It has this demanding nature to it, often beyond understanding. No, it will still “rear its head”, I’m sure.

Now, however, I find myself appropriately enjoying what is given me relationally ... with less demand by my "needs". My refocused identity as His wonderful creation, living His story, can be filled in the value and worth He sees in me. It is relationally what I had always desired, but the undetected identity replacement was in its way. As has always been true in my life, the identification of sin...the understanding of deception... is the hardest for me. But when it is revealed and named, there is nothing I desire more than its annihilation...eradication from my life. Getting the identification is just so hard and painful at times. However, the struggle of getting there is always worth the freedom it brings.

In it all, GOD proves His relentless pursuit of His own. This struggle proves just that... I am His, and He loves me desperately. I am beautiful and becoming more beautiful in His eyes and in His heart. There is really nothing more needed. We as women, especially God-fearing single/married, and /or moms, often do not see the transfer of identity or value of who we are because of our wholehearted devotion to those we truly love... and our calling to them. We become so involved in that calling that who we are is what we are in those roles. It can be children, husband, house, clothes or a job. It is hard because they are legitimate, Biblical callings... demanding much energy and time, heart and soul. It should not surprise us that the enemy knows how to use our greatest intensities and strongest attitudes to do us harm.

We must be careful. We need to step back periodically to re-identify ourselves... in Him alone, with all of our roles under the canopy of His bought and protected daughter. We must look for an "ah ha" moment in the detection of "value" exchanges or "demands" to fill our emotional, spiritual, physical needs in places that cannot accomplish our fill. Our value cannot be filled in our "man", friends, children or career. We must seek out those invasions and pull out the tendrils around our heart. Knowing and understanding scripturally are not the only weapons needed against such a deceptive enemy.

Our Father is desperately jealous of our devotion… having died and rose again to give us the utmost in identity… His child. In that alone is true peace, freedom, and rewarding relationships…

…the grandest, renewed “ah ha” moment of all!

Final Thoughts on Ecuador...

2009-08-14T10:51:00.005-04:00

Deuteronomy 29: 29

"The secret things belong to the Lord our God,
but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever,
that we may observe all the words of the Law."

As we ascended out of Quito, I looked out the plane window. I had hoped, as we had entered the country in the darkness of night, that when we left Ecuador, I would see the terrain... the secrets of the beautiful Andes' volcanoes... from above. It was quickly obvious to me, however, I would only catch glimpses of the beautiful Andes around the city. Fog clouded my ability to see below. Little clearings made me wish or long that the day had been clear... that even now something would happen... so I could drink in the beauty I knew was hidden. God only knew if I would ever return again... I wanted to see it now.

Then, stepping back from my "demands" or "hopes", I reflected on the secrets that had been given to me on this trip....

... the secret of a smile, through the fog of a language barrier. I had arrived, needing an interpreter. I left, still needing an interpreter. But laughter, hugs, gratitude, sadness, fear and hope were secrets revealed and shared from heart to heart without a spoken, understood word. It evidenced itself in helping the Doctor in an exam room and holding an anxious woman's hand, who was left to trust us without adequate communication of what we were doing (interpreters were not always available).

... the secret of grateful hands bringing us fresh oranges from her produce, to thank us for yesterdays care... when the sale of them could have fed her family.

... the secret of laughter when interpretation revealed the humor in what was said, compared to what was understood.

... the secret of new life. New pregnancies, small babies... anticipating, loving mothers... a world wide understood language.

... the secret of death and suffering, tears without words.... broken, failing bodies under a heavy burden of hard manual labor... that desired hope.

... the secret of fellowship and praise, a unified understanding and teamwork of those whose words we could not understand... in care for the masses standing at the gate asking for help and cure.

... the secret of eternal life, given to those who believed as the good news of forgiveness and life in Christ was shared.

As the clouds hid even more beauty than I could imagine, my heart turned heavenward. For the secrets revealed in Ecuador came in the gift of giving and caring for another. How special that our Lord gives and yet, keeps many things yet to be revealed for a later day... in His time, in His way... for us and our sons and grandsons.

I tasted only of what He desired to reveal that day. It was a foretaste of much to come. May we seek glimpses of Him now, and longingly desire to see the rest of His beauty... as much as we do His creation around us.

I may never see the vistas around Quito, Ecuador in this lifetime, but I will see Him... at a day of His choosing. It's a secret for which I long to have the clouds part and to have His glory revealed... to which no vista on earth will ever compare!

Our jungle walk...and drive to Cuenca!

2009-08-07T01:30:00.016-04:00

On Friday afternoon, we packed up the clinic and we did some of the "tourist" thing! There were 2 hiking trips from which to choose. Most of us chose the trip that kept us out of the rivers... and away from "surprise" creatures of the wet Amazon! Our trip was full of beautiful vistas, flowers and fun times together. The taxi took us, but 5 of us walked back together, seeing the park and city square.

The flora was beautiful.

Antheriums...

Like a honeysuckle..

The view of Gualiquiza from the hike... through the jungle trees!

David and Ann along a city wall. You found bright colors often along the way... reflective of the culture "likes".

As we left the town for Cuenca, we piled in a 40 passenger bus of which 25 people and the luggage and medical equipment filled it. I sat with one of my favorite new friends, Dr. David Cromer. He raised his eyebrows and said, "You know we are now embarking on the most dangerous part of our week!?" He was right. The roads were wet, collapsing in areas, narrow (the driver had to back up on the mountain roads 3-4 times to make room for another vehicle to come through)

and just plain scary.

But, the vistas were plain beautiful.

We arrived safely!

A Week in Ecuador...Part II

2009-08-07T00:12:00.026-04:00

One of the blessings of this trip was the event of having Deborah join the team. She and I met at my daughter's wedding, the groom being her brother. I had told her about the trip I was doing in April, and before the week was over she was considering coming with us! Deborah has this wonderful way with children... and by the end of the week, her communication in Spanish was admirable. As a matter of fact, we had a great time getting to know each other better... I loved it. Every time I turned around it seemed she was with the children. Dr. David caught her unposed with a posse of kids she was talking to outside our hotel!!!

(Children telling Deborah and I their ages... after enjoying ice cream that David and I bought them!)

Babies were babies... cute as in any culture! I haded out "booties" that I had brought from

home, and the mothers were so grateful. We handed out candiesand bracelets to older kids, though we waited to do so at times that we would nothave 50 at once surrounding us for such goodies! They were respectful and all smiles.

As I watched them play, sometimes for hours of waiting, my heart went out to them. They were playing in the dirt of the courtyard of which we knew parasites harbor... the same dirt we were sure to wear shoes to protect ourselves. These moms had no alternative but to let them be children and play, though parasites were a surety. Therefore, every adult and child left the pharmacy having taken the medication, unless they were pregnant, to rid their system of parasites.

A special part of my being with the team was the managing of the lines, calling them into the doctor and assisting him/her with exams if needed. Though I knew none of their language, suffice a few words, it warmed my heart how smiles and laughter transcend language barriers. In fact, those very barriers were often the catalyst of laughing with each other. There was one group of women in particular that had come 4 hours from a small village out of town, and they embraced us in smiles and eyes. I called one in the group my "special friend" as she and I had fun trying to talk together. She was so delightful. She and another friend, in their 60’s, had brought along 5 others much older, for treatment. At one point we realized that we had totally misunderstood what the other was saying when the interpreter had time to help us, and we dissolved in laughter.

You understand then, the delight when on our bus trip through the jungle to Cuenca, several days later, we stopped at a village to use a restroom and as I jumped off the bus, there she was with her bundle of bananas… trying to get to another village to sell them. Ann took our picture (right, the lady I'm hugging in the white hat). It drove home that God has made us in His image, and there is no better example of how we care and communicate beyond our language barriers. Emotions are understood… no matter what one’s language is stated to be. He made us relational.

There were things that stretched me…toilets where no paper could be put into them, so it was thrown in cans next to the stool, dirty public areas with children playing in the parasite laden dirt , and seeing babies crying in card board boxes next to their dad as he earned a living shining shoes at the airport entrance. I saw people with money, who also came to us for the desire to see an American doctor, but the constant poverty and extreme suffering of the working class was indescribable…and I never heard them complain. They just wanted to have some help to feel better while they did their work. Hoping against hope that there was some magic cure and provision for them from America. They sacrificed health and comfort to send their children to the local Catholic schools, getting for them a good education and maybe a way out of their own plight.

A Week in Ecuador...Part I

2009-08-06T22:47:00.022-04:00

I have returned from a trip in April, that I have hoped to do for years now. Since as a widow, I very much felt that I should be less risky in my activities until at least the last child was in college (though risk is living life and not location), I

would pray for my friends, David and Ann, as they went on Medical Missions each year, looking forward to the day I too could go. After waiting to see if the dates would interrupt our upcoming wedding, a date was set that would allow my going with the obstetrics and gynecology team to care for some of the people in Ecuador. So, I signed on with Christian Medical and Dental Associates, made plane reservations, and got the needed shots for the area. I am so glad I did.

Words can't readily describe all that I saw, the people I cared for... but I hope to reflect in part what happened in my short week there. The airline story is one of a kind that I've never experienced before…and hope to not do so again. We could not get out of our home airport to reach Houston due to weather in Houston. When released, we missed the single flight out to Quito by 30 minutes. We stood in long lines to get on the next evening... and spent some wonderful time with dear friends that took us in! Jon and Dusty... THANK YOU! But, that only begins the saga! Assured our bags (one each) and 3 huge plastic medical carriers (one each) were on the correct flight, we arrived in Quito, meeting up with the other group that had been delayed, without any bags! We stayed overnight as planned, hoping they would be found... knowing that the next flight was in 24 hours and we would be long gone... deep into the country.

Another flight, and 7 hours on a bus through the jungle and we were at our destination ... Gualaquiza, Ecuador... and without our bags.

Gualaquiza is a town in the Amazon Basin, in southeast Ecuador. It’s altitude lies at the transition edge of what would be called the Amazon Jungle, though we were in jungle indeed. As we arrived late, we missed the set up of pharmacy and clinic…but the team that arrived before did an awesome job without us and we arrived in time to help with the first clinic day in the afternoon. People were separated according to OB/GYN, pediatric (we had the blessing of a pediatrician), and general care, registered and then triaged according to symptoms. Those who were potential surgery cases were seen as early in the day as possible so that the appropriate blood work and tests could be run and surgery scheduled for the following day. After the Doctor had seen the patient, they were sent to native speakers who would talk to them about why we were here… to share God’s love and the gifts He has given us with them. They could pray, or not, believing that Christ died for their sins and asking His forgiveness, choosing to get to know this new God better. Many prayed...and many did not.

They then went to the pharmacy to get the meds prescribed them…including a month’s worth of vitamins, and a parasite treatment when appropriate. (Ann and I started counting a box of 20,000 multivitamins when we arrived… and then started the pediatric vitamins and calcium pills…into packages of 30. Who knows how many pills we counted as a group! See picture to right... note what is left of the 20,000 in the bag!)

Over 4 ½ days we treated 670 patients. In no way could we treat them with the same level of technology we have in the States, but how grateful they were. The people could not thank us enough, bringing fruit to show their gratitude…or paying as much as they could…maybe $ 20 for a surgery or treatment. They are a people with integrity, working hard and not expecting handouts. And, whatever you can do, no matter how small… they are so appreciative. One lady, in her 50’s had been bleeding for several years and the doctors recommended a hysterectomy. Her first question was, “Can I go back to work the next day?” Her work was swinging a machete to cut grasses down in roadways and pastures. I do not know if she decided to have the surgery, because of the great cost to her in pay in not being able to work. The complaints or symptoms in triage showed great suffering… and aging before their time. Women my age seemed to be 15- 20 years older. Men suffered greatly too… and thus they showed up to be seen by an American doctor, even though they knew it was of a clinic specialty for women.

As with any culture it seems today, the alcohol flowed in celebration or coping skills, and while we were there, a national election and campaign added greatly to the consumption. I know families are very important to the culture, but could not get a read on what the different dynamics are in relating than we are used to in America. It seemed as though there were fewer men, and I silently wondered if there were many widows due to the hardship of living.

Of hay and horses...

2009-03-24T23:24:00.004-04:00

I've spent many hours in my life feeding horses, hogs, and cattle. I've pitched hay from a tractor, hay mow or from a nearby hay stack. My eyelashes and nose often "froze" while panting in the activity of the hard work, or my skin burned from the very hot, dry sun. And now I can say that I rode on and took pictures from a sleigh pulled by draft horses, loaded with hay to pitch to the other horses in the pasture... and I didn't "have" to do it! Thank you Nick and Mike for adding to my repertoire of farming experiences!

They are one!

2009-03-24T23:10:00.003-04:00

Pi Day was "the day", when Becky and Adam tied the knot!! What a day it was... sun, vistas, family, friends... and a very in love bride and groom, depending on One other than themselves...

What else could a parent ask...

To my kids...

2008-08-21T01:42:00.004-04:00

To my kids:

Fly. Fly with only one "homing instinct"... the Lord. All else is either immaterial or an idol.

Be careful... ideas can be the enemy's "weapons" to twist the Lord's directions, or the Lord's great gift to you... know Him well enough to know the difference!

Remember... you have an earthly Mother that loves you very much... and wants you living life doing what He needs you doing... no matter how far it takes you...
... and that the love she has for you is "pale compared to your heavenly Father's love'!

Live by the Greatest Commandent... promoting personal responsibility, keeping each other accountable...

...and the reward will be full.

I love you,
Mom

Welcome 2009....

2009-01-01T15:48:00.003-05:00

... but how New Years have changed!

Beyond the need of the Word, I've just ordered a couple of books that I hope will give insight into where this new person God is shaping is going, after I find out who she is! Sounds confusing coming from me... believe me, I know. The one who teaches many women to answer the '3 W's" in life," Whose am I? Where am I? Why am I?'... or where women should go to "fill their emotional tank", or how to welcome and embrace the "refining fire of a wonderful God"! Every time I have taught in the last months, a voice has said, "Listen to your own teaching! It applies to YOU!" The extremes of emotion I've been experiencing the last 6 months, if placed on a graph, might elicit quick decisive action to institutionalize me ( alright, so I exaggerate... maybe...) from those other than the "mid life growth" crowd (I deliberately chose the word growth to try to spin positive about it... :0) ). One thing that has been of comfort is that those friends who are also in "growth", are expressing like things... and today I'm recording some of where I am, though still afraid to expose it, and fully confident there's more to discover. The one difference is that all of my friends with an empty home, have a spouse to go with them, or to hold them up, in this passage... a cord of 3 strands is not easily broken! Yet, I'm old enough to know that relationships are such that this is not always of benefit. And, for some reason, the best plan is for me is to do it alone. It is not the first time I find myself at a place of not liking me, wanting to hide for fear I'll "break" something or someone... because I don't know what is seeping to the top for exposure. But most of my days, I had a loving encourager beside me..I remember an old pastor I heard on a radio back in Hawaii days... " The greatest compliment God can pay us is when He stokes the fire." Again I'm at the place where I lift my heart and beg for no more compliments!

It really does boil down to embracing this passageway as shaping the woman God is creating... a woman that will not or cannot be created without the pain and transition I am asked to weather. I've done it before, with Him. Guess one could call it His painful grace... a grace that won't quit growing His loved... because of the reward of becoming more like Him, even here, no especially here on earth. But what is it about me that it can't be achieved without pain?

Grace... hmm... wonderful, yes... easy life, no...

Some things don't change, like grace...

... the New Years do...

I remember when....

2009-03-01T21:12:00.005-05:00

... my 2 oldest had 2 different stories when caught doing something that was not allowed. Do I remember what it was now? Heck no. But I remember how my mind scrambled about how I could teach these 2 young blessings of mine that lying, deceit or "white lies" was simply not acceptable. Ever! In the moments that only young parents can understand, I needed help now and quick to teach this character lesson. (Arrow prayers are wonderful.) As my heart prayed very quickly with words for help, I started to explain to them I was not dumb. I knew that one of them was not telling me what really had happened... and the one who had tried to protect themselves with not telling the truth was wrong. Therefore, I was giving them one chance to correct the wrong action. One at a time, I instructed, they would tell me (while away from the other) what had really happened and that the only way to be sure their story matched would be to tell the truth. If their stories matched, there would not be the expected punishment, but mercy. If they didn't, both would get the expected punishment... and the guilty would cause pain for the other... just as lying or deceit does in life, period. Guess what! I got 2 matching stories... and a remorseful heart, and a young prayer that said they were sorry. Do I remember who lied? Nope. I just remember the quick wisdom sent from above, the grateful heart of a woman who was entirely inadequate at the moment, and the love I felt for both of those children entrusted to me.

How different life would be if all lived telling the truth... and young moms trusted God for wisdom. Believe me, this was not the last panic session I had with parenting... and even though they have all fledged the nest... it probably won't be the last. I've learned with full heart, it is good to look to Another... in all things... and not hide...

May I also be as honest with Him.

Transition... welcome to real life!

2009-02-21T19:08:00.041-05:00

Webster states:transition is the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.

I highly recommend:

Lost in the Middle, Paul Tripp
and
Still Going It Alone, Michele Howe

These last 6 months have found me writing and choosing not to post a blog. Too uncomfortable. Even though I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was normal! And this comes from one that is very willing to let everyone see exactly what I'm feeling, thinking or experiencing because of a conviction that as I learn things in life, I certainly have the ability.... even the responsibility... to share those discoveries with others. Vulnerable... yes. Comfortable being vulnerable... absolutely... until this fall.

I always knew this appointment in life would be one of my greatest grief periods. After all, an empty nest truly reminds one of, and reveals the depth of pain in the missing of another in life. I knew that sending my last off to college would bring the grief of burying my dear husband David to a new level of intensity... I just had no idea how intense!

The first grief was the missing of my youngest son, our busy social schedule.... but especially our Sunday afternoon dates! You see, at one point when I knew I couldn't compete with the wonderful girls around him in the "fun" department (Mom's job description entails a lot of "not fun" talks and responsibilities), I told him on the way home from church one day, that Sunday afternoons were ours, and that we were going on dates! We now know every coffee shop in Tulsa, many restaurants, and have enjoyed many outings to movies and buying him debate suits! From looking at pictures, discussions or playing Speed Scrabble over coffee, I had no idea how much harder that could make a "transition", and it did! But, despite the pain, I'd do it all over again!

After the initial adjustment of quietness, a totally free slate on schedule was mine... and I purposed to protect it for up to a year. You see, I knew that one of my great coping mechanisms for pain is busyness. And I knew that my being a widow, my missing of David, would begin in earnest as the silence closed in. I simply decided to face the pain head on... and thus hopefully shortening it's grip, instead of partially ignoring it and facing it longer. That doesn't mean I was always at home, quite the contrary. I've had many fun outings with friends, but I chose to not become so committed that I didn't have to deal with the loneliness and pain of my being alone...of finding who I was, since my roles over the last 28 years have been wife and mother, intensified in the simple fact of being the only parent. That transition has been very hard, complicated with other things. At many times I've had to battle feelings of being "lazy"... after all, what do I have to show for my time (funny thing, I often thought that with toddlers and teens)! Guilt has played its seductive tones to try to disuade me from the task at hand... grieving or otherwise. A sense of disorientation kept me "busy" with the urgent things in life... luring me away from the opportunity I had to spend in Bible study or writing. Questioning my life... my very essence, became a thief of energy and thinking of others. And, for one who loves companionship... many nights alone were simply lonely.

Tripp says in his book that there are 2 things true about every middle aged person. First, we are aware that our lives have not worked according to our plan and second, once again like a toddler, we are always trying to figure our lives out. He goes on to state that those points describe the essence of "mid-life"... the collision of powerful personal awareness and a powerful personal interpretation. All of a sudden we see things that have been developed in our lives without our awareness, in the busy years of life... both good and bad. But, oh, the attention or focus we give the bad! Thus explains the up front vulnerability I had with my children at Christmas... knowing that I couldn't hide from them the twisting of my heart and the periodic tears of my eyes with them again in the house with me, and so "close to the situation". I told them, tearfully, I needed them to know that I really believed I was normal (many other friends my age or older, seemed to know just what I'd describe to them because they had or were experiencing the same) but that I knew in the holiday time at home I couldn't hide from them that some deep questioning and pain was going on in my heart. "I don't know who I am", "I don't know where I'm going, or if God can or if He will use me in any way", and "I don't think I have anything to offer Him or others" were some of the questions and emotions dogging my heart. All this coming from a woman who had just taught a retreat on the "3 W's of Life: Who/whose are you? Where are you? Why are you?", in which I answer each question with truth from the Scriptures. I told them I knew the answers in my head, but that my heart was wretching to again embrace that truth. They looked at me as if to say, "Who took our mom? Where is she in there?", the same thoughts I had heard in my head many times. So uncharacteristic of the "strong, capable widow" whose trust was in God's plan... but oh, so real. I told them that I had tried to encourage myself with the fact that I knew of none other that (though I know you are out there) have the number of life transitions all at once as myself... empty nest, 8 weeks later a daughter calling as she just got engaged (a wonderful event I might add), a son overseas in his second year, and all this without the one I desperately loved to share it with... as a widow. I knew personally many with 2 of those transitions... one with 3... none with all 4! I felt so oddly different at times. I regularly consoled myself with "It was, after all, alot to handle." I again in my life, had turned heavenward and reminded God He had chosen the wrong woman for all of this! Little good it did... except that I was forced again to remember, He had always and will always see me through.

Transitions in life are many. Some easy, some too intense, we think, to survive. Synonyms for transition, I believe can be: adolescence, college, career, marriage, divorce, parenting, empty-nest, marriage of children, old-age, failing health, and death. I'm sure we could all add more to the list. Youth seems to cruise through transition focused on tomorrow's wonderful life. Those in the middle no longer live with the partner of invincibility, but the realism life experience brings. All I'm convinced are blessings. It doesn't include the word easy or fun. Whether one is young or old, whether a change is heart lifting or heart rendering... all transitions require a personal response of some kind from us. That response will determine how "rough the road" is that we travel. A response of entitlement, to deserve better than we've been given, will produce within a discontentment and perhaps anger and bitterness, directed at others and/or God. That is a very rough place to travel, destroying the very enjoyment and peace in life. A response of gratitude toward life's events gives expectations of vistas along the way... in both the valley and mountaintop experiences. The understanding that transitional days bring blessings of growth and change, smooths the road of life with a joy and unexplainable sense of peace and anticipation. But there is an ultimate response from the heart...one which brings with it perhaps the greatest sense of being loved and cared for... one that asks. Asking for transitions so that one is not only made in His image, but along the road of life becomes more indistinguishable from Him, is the bravest, selfless and most satisfying response of all. It is not easy or fun to travel that road. But, I'm convinced it is worth it.

Therefore, you see, this transition I'm making... one day, I'm sure that...

I'd do it all over again!

My inbox...

2008-10-31T12:28:00.002-04:00

...is full of plane reservations and emails containing plans and times of airplanes touching down in Tulsa, or cars driving to Bartlesville with the most precious cargo of all....

... the kids I love.

Oh, how I love those emails... the Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings under my roof... and the Blessings God has givien me in children... and their friends.

I give thanks...

Anatomy of the Heart...

2008-10-22T11:01:00.013-04:00

When in Respiratory Therapy School I had the privilege of watching open heart surgery. I also saw an autopsy. The hearts in each, obviously, were very different. One was full of life, color and active... the other cold, still and gray. A living heart is truly a sight to behold. It is hard to describe. It is the center of life. The intricacies that make the fiber, 4 chambers and various valves come alive and perform their task 80-100 times per minute for 80 some years on the average... are quite simply, amazing. It is an engineering miracle...a designer's dream... and on top of that, there is some kind of connection between the brain and heart to house emotions...

A "full of life" heart is what the Creator intended for all. One that beats with excitement at many different things... and when poked, bleeds. I've concluded in painful times of life, and believe now, that it is in that bleeding when a heart is pricked, that one really begins to have an understanding of real life. It is bleeding, even in spurts, that makes life so evident on a surgery table ... and in our emotions toward those we love. Indeed, I've concluded that the amount of bleeding done emotionally when under duress or when "poked", is directly proportional to the depth of understanding and love in the "poking" relationship. When my Dad died my grief was unbearable, because of the great depth of love we shared as Father and daughter... my Mom, too. And today, I can't describe for you what bleeding takes place when I think of... the one with which I still desire to share my heart and life. Indeed, the one I am convinced I need to share my heart and life. So, all I can do is remember... how much depth of life, love and living we shared... and be thankful that the bleeding reminds me of the joy shared between us.

And then there is the cold, gray heart. I am not naive enough to ignore the "poking" of hearts who upon remembrance, bleed for what they never had, or can't bleed at all. My heart goes out to them, and it is the desire of my soul to give them a taste of what I've been given. But, hearts that have bled too much are hard to revive. But some do, and those I have seen turn around to fullness of life give me some of the greatest joy on earth... realizing that with God, the Giver of life, even the "poking" can now lead to that joy of life found in relationships. My hope for those who walk this path is to realize there is a bleeding that brings life... and thus, joy with remembrance. No where better depicted is this bleeding to life than at the Cross...

As for me, today my heart bleeds... and it also remembers... and that is a good thing.

Psalm 90: 10-12

As for the days of our life, they contain seventy years,
Or if due to strength, eighty years,
Yet their pride is but labor and sorrow;
For soon it is gone and we fly away.
Who understands the power of Your anger
And Your fury, according to the fear that is due You?
So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Engaged...

2008-10-20T01:12:00.006-04:00

May I present to you...
Becky and Adam, engaged October 14th...

26 Years ago....

2008-10-20T00:23:00.007-04:00

... David and I learned we were pregnant a second time. It was a Thanksgiving gift to us. As we had lost our first, we entered this pregnancy with some apprehension, but soon we realized, we were going to be parents in life. It was at that point we began praying for this child's heart to love the Lord early in life, serve Him with their whole heart, and to keep in His training and care one who, of His choosing might be this child's spouse. Months later Becky arrived, and years later Adam has arrived...another Thanksgiving gift! It is with great praise and rejoicing that I look forward to the day I can tell you all I have 3 sons... at the union of Becky and Adam. Little does Becky realize the great joy she brought to us... as a child and now a beautiful, fun-loving godly woman. And little does Adam realize how fun it is for me to know of whom I have lifted up in prayer all these years... and he is everything for which I had hoped and prayed.

It is with a heart of wishing I could share this with her Father...since we knelt in prayer so often together. How I have longed to share this joyful answer to prayer with him. But it is much more sweet than bitter as my daughter has been given a companion for life that loves the Lord... and her... with greatness in heart. What more could a Mom want as she lays her head down to rest at night?

He is faithful... in spite of me.

Becky, I love you sooooo much...

And Adam... I love you already...

It's been 7 years today...

2008-09-17T21:42:00.004-04:00

... and my God was as good on the day I buried my dear husband as on the day I married him. His goodness doesn't change.

7 years have passed quickly and yet I sometimes "dread" that these next years might pass slowly in ways. (Though at my age, slow is becoming more of a welcomed word!!!!) But, I know I look back with continued gratefulness for a husband who loved his family passionately, planned for us diligently, and showed us how to live a life and yes, die, devoted to God and family, while providing for us in every way. Yes, David is significant to our family even today, in spite of his absence.

How thankful I am...

Anticipation...

2008-09-13T15:57:00.007-04:00

Hurricane Ike has made a huge impression... 600 miles in diameter worth. I've spent many wonderful hours sailing through the mouth of Kemah, eating on the Kemah parkway watching other sailboats sail out to the Galveston Bay with my dear husband and family, or taking my children to canoeing lessons in Dickinson. The pictures of the roads, the restaurants in Kemah... they bring back wonderful memories. And, friends. I've prayed for them all night, anxiously tried to contact them today. So far, Christens made it through a very noisy night, with horizontal rain, though very little. DeGrays are ok, though the garage roof is damaged, and the church has been hit very hard... all doors blown out, roof taken off the Life Center, with all the ensuing damage. Kittles are safe too, and water was inches from their house. Derricks, Rasks, Graves, Carmen, and Weichbrodts (along with many others) I have not heard from.... which brings me to anticipation...

... how I long to hear that all my friends are fine. Calling on their cells and getting no answer brings a certain disappointment to the anticipationn of hearing their voices and knowing they are ok. I anticipate hearing their voices and the sense of relief and joy that brings.

I just want to hear from them

...and then I think...

Do I anticipate hearing my Lord's voice as much? Do I long to have that quick call from Him... and do I have immediate response of relief and joy from hearing His voice? Do I anticipate His coming... watching with great desire...longing to see Him as much as I do my child when he returns from an Asian country after a year at school? I can answer those questions... and I don't like the answer...

Like most, I wait for Him in great anticipation when... I am in need or pain. In that situation I tend to expect His arrival, I long for Him to arrive. But in times of joy or comfort I take for granted His availability at my convenience. I fail to recognize He is as anxious to hear from me as I am to hear from my friends. He longs to meet me when or where ever... as a wonderful Father and friend... and how often I am too busy to take the call... or, God forbid, look at the caller ID and choose not to answer! And many are the reasons why...

So, cultivate in me a heart, O Father, that longs to hear from You and responds to you, as I know I will respond when I hear Dusty, Carrie, and Carmen's voices on the other end of the phone line...

And may I look to Your coming as I much as I look forward to again having a lunch with them...

And I really do love my time with You... help me to prioritize it...

May we all live in anticipation of His call...

Life... she is a changin'...

2008-08-21T00:46:00.010-04:00

(Jonathan's graduation from ACS... Katie, Becky, Mom and the Man of the day!)

Well, here we are in a hotel for a final night's sleep before Katie ascends the local mountain upon which is perched Covenant College. Jon and I help unload her tomorrow and get her moved in. She has responsibilities as the discipleship coordinators team leader of her dorm this year, and her job starts in earnest as soon as she arrives. Part of that outreach starts Friday as she welcomes new students, ie., Freshman, onto campus. That will include her brother! So, on Friday Jon and I will ascend Lookout Mountain and unload his belongs... and that night I will return to my Hampton Inn room... alone!

Wish I could express for you the whole of emotions that goes on with one looking at an empty nest... especially one as "nurturing" in personality as I, but I doubt that even I know the vastness of any upcoming feelings. I have done this 3 times now, and love to see each child become who they are, apart from me... and yet, I miss them so much. But this time no one is left to take the brunt of my "mothering" and provides a very different kind of "empty nesting".

This spring was very hard... and I know that this fall will bring new opportunities to grieve. I know that I will grieve the "loss" of my babies and being needed by them (to some extent), but the loss of my companion David will be central to it all. David and I dreamed of these days together... spending more relaxed time with each other doing whatever we decided to do.... visit the kids, travel, dream, and minister together. And now I find myself facing the loss of those dreams, again, and yet I understand that I have the great privilege of asking God to show me, as a single woman, the dreams He has for me. These next steps are just an adjustment... nothing new to life, and I choose to smile at the adventure. As a matter of fact, I can hardly wait to see what is around this last empty nest...

Besides, do you know how long it has been since I could do things on a daily basis just for ME? 27 years... wonderful ones, yes, but....!!! So, do you know who is going to enjoy being her own boss and sole proprietor of her time? ME! And my plans are to not become committed to many things very quickly. I need time to sit in my home alone and study the Word, think, be quiet, pray and remember... bringing both tears and laughter to my days and nights, I am sure!

"There is a season ... for all things."

And, I am going to truly live it!!

Olymic winners...

2008-08-19T23:21:00.009-04:00

The Casselberry family is glued to the broadcasting of the Olympics. It is a given, whether it is Summer or Winter events. We are addicted... no bones about it. The Summer has a special interest for us as the kids swam on the P-66 swim team for years, and under one of the most reputable experts in swimming, even today recognized internationally. However, his attentions at that time, were mainly given to those he thought could be Olympic winners and the rest didn't get the help they needed. As it is, 2 of the swimmers in Becky and Ryan's group under him swam at the Olympic trials this year. Gary and Michael have done very well... but, there was a whole pool full of swimmers that swam with them who never made it to Nationals, let alone Olympic trials. None will ever have the noteriety of having 8 gold medals hanging on their neck gracing the front of Sports Illustrated... check out that Michael Phelps! Or nail the high bar with an extremely difficult routine like our OU Sooner, Jonathan Horton!

And, as we remain glued to the excitement of medals, the sorrow of knocked over hurdles, the off balance falls, my heart has basked in gratefulness. Gratefulness that I don't have to live life in perfect balance, dominating endurance, and perfect form. All of us in the pool of life just won't measure up to Gold Medal performances. I'm not the perfect mom or friend. Further more, my nature is to not do the hard work it takes to pursue the excellence needed in all areas of life. Sure there are a few that gain my unyielding passion, but settling for mediocrity or just good enough seems very acceptable at times in the face of extreme commitment or the pain in reaching my goal. It is for that reason, the lack of performance in life to strive in all things to do what is right, where deep gratefulness resides. Gratefulness to God that it is not my performance or works that makes me His child. When life is on a high balance beam and I loose balance, it is not me on whom I depend. When I can't seem to go on anymore and feel the waters closing in, unable to get enough breath, it is He who gives me enough stamina to take one more stroke or dive. He is a coach that hasn't ignored me in the pool of life because I'm not a "champion". No, because of the shed blood, death and resurrection of the perfect One, you and I are seen as Champions in all things, if we have believed and embraced this truth about his sacrifice. Indeed, it is His Son, who helps me finish the race...and the perfect One sees me as His child and promises me rewards and a place with Him... a place dressed in gold, with singing of praises instead of a national anthem!

Yes, the Olympics are a huge part of the Casselberry's lives this week. But, may the Olympics of heaven be the daily passion of our hearts, the very balance of our lives. May we drink deeply of the gratefulness of challenge and in the realization that there is a coach that is perfect in our training. Living with Him eternally is the real gold medal.

It's warm, windy and unpredictable...

2008-05-11T00:17:00.002-04:00

... ahh, who says that we can't see God? In the power and the warmth of spring, and flowers that bloom, He gives evidence through His creation of who He is.

... in warmth, in wind, in rain, and severe weather... there is one that causes flowers to bloom, the sun to rise and set, and men to lean on God.

...tonight 9 are dead 80 miles from here due to tornadoes. They are still searching for more to help, or count.
May they find help in His incredible leading and care, and still find flowers that are blooming...evidence of His care in the midst of their chaos and helplessness. May I be diligent to pray for them....

May we always know Him, and know Him well.

Hugs to you all...

When we ignore the red flags...

2006-10-19T18:18:00.001-04:00

I was greatly challenged this week in thinking about David in II Samuel. I was listening to a teacher that mentioned that David made his own, devestating decisions, in spite of God's gentle, though not so subtle nudges to do what was right. One of the first of God's nudgings, though not so gentle, is through Abigail. Abigail pleads for David to not let his anger toward her husband bring stain (the murder of her husband) against one who is one day to be the king. David listened and was grateful for God's saving him from a regrettable action in anger, and for the one obedient to deliver it, Abigail. We also see David later listening to God's "red flag" through Joab. In Samuel 19, Joab confronts David in his grief over Absalom's death (the son who was trying to take over David's position as king), warning that those who have loved and served him faithfully would look upon David's grief and lack of gratefulness to them as a threat, alienating them from King David. David listened and spoke to his faithful with thanks.

However, there are other times that David didn't heed the "red flags" sent by the Lord. For instance, it is recorded that when kings went out to war, King David stayed home. As he was walking, his eyes saw a beautiful maid, Bathsheba, bathing on the rooftop. David inquired about her, asking her to be brought to him and we read, "And one said, 'Is this not the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?' " The nudge to jar his senses to not pursue sin is delivered. You know what he did. He sent for her anyway and lay with her. The results are sickening... an unwanted pregnancy, leading to an attempt to cover wrongdoing which failed, leading to premeditated murder. The punishment for his sin was almost unbeareable...he would be the King of War ( 2 Samuel 12:10), evil would rise up against him in his own household, as well as a companion laying with David's wives in broad day light (both fulfilled by his son Absalom) , and the final blow...Bathsheba's boy would die. There was not enough remorse, and David was very remorseful, to change God's discipline. I'm sure God wanted David to learn his lesson well, just as he wants me to learn my lessons when flirting with and choosing sin. One would think that we would never again see David choose other than what God says to do....

But, David makes a decision to number his soldiers and horses in chapter 24...and God has said not to... so that Israel would depend on their God and not their "resources". Joab again is used to deliver accountability to obedience , " Now may the Lord your God add to the people a hundred times as many as they are, while the eyes of my lord the king still see; but why does my lord the king delight in this thing?" Joab, as respectfully as he could in approaching his King, his boss, is saying, "Don't do this... and embarass and bring shame on your country and kingship!" David follows his own wisdom, however, and sends Joab out to number his men, against the Lord's commands. Something different happens this time. David becomes aware of his wrongdoing without anyone having to confront him. As the numbers are coming in, he becomes remorseful and goes to God...troubled with his actions. God responds this time by giving David his choice of punishment...7 years of famine in the land, fleeing before foes for 3 months, or 3 days of pestilence throughout the nation. David chose the later...not wanting to "fall into the hands of men". It is recorded that 70,000 men from Beersheba to Dan died, and just as the angel was raising his hand toward Jerusalem, God relented. At that moment, David saw the angel and remorse seized him. From his heart he begged, "Behold it is I who have sinned and it is I who have done wrong; but these sheep, what have they done? Please let Thy hand stand against me and against my father's house." Following a command from God, David erected an altar and the Lord was moved and the plague was held back.

Where do I start? David whom God names as a man with a "whole heart for God" ignored God's loving red flags, warnings "not to go there." He followed His own way and there were consequences. The first time, he had to be cornered by the prophet Nathan...and the discipline was unbearable. But David knew he deserved it and chose to pick himself up and go on. The second time he regretted his actions right after the numbers came in, before confrontation by God or God's prophet, Gad. Therefore, God gave David the choice of punishment. We still see David's selfish heart, "but do not let me fall into the hand of man", but as word came to the king of all the dying men, 70,000, he became even more remorseful, begging the punishment to be upon himself and his father's house. David seemingly really changed... finally! From selfish to selfless. From "who me?", to "I'm the guilty." The closing of his life comes and Soloman, Bethsheba's son is given the throne.

There is one more thing. After really "blowing it" all these times, does David sit around and mope? After all, his greatest dream, building a temple to house his God, has become a lost dream... part of the consequences of his sin. NO! He then decides that he may not be able to complete his dream, but he can do the work needed to be the best of help for the one who would get to build the temple. We see that David in the later years of his reign collecting all the materials needed for his son to be able to get straight to the work of building God's house instead of being depressed or bitter with the situation.

So, how well have I learned these lessons?

Do I listen to those nudges or red flags God sends my way...His efforts to keep me in obedience and thus escape those things undesired?

Do I accept discipline and see God's loving hand in it? Do I accept my own discipline, taking ownership of sin in my life, or "push" it off on others?

Do I give thanks for those in my life that are the prophet Gad or Joab to me... pointing out when I'm about to step into sin? How about when they call me to "ownership" of those things that are displeasing when "worn" by a child of God?

I need to listen...
I need to obey...

Good thing the Lord loved and helped King David...
Good thing He loves and helps me as well...

I need it!

Of bannisters and gloves...

2008-01-18T10:33:00.000-05:00

Two events in life will always bring a sense of wonderment and awe to how fearfully and wonderfully we are made. The first was experienced several years ago when my brother, Monte, and I decided to rent the house we were raised in for a family reunion in South Dakota. It is now a Hunting Lodge. All of us cousins went throughout the house together, remembering the laughter, the sorrow (my uncle died there of aortic cancer, I found him as he cried for help bleeding to death), the games of hide and seek, and the bedrooms so cold we could see our breath at night as we huddled beneath our flannel covers. Then it happened. I touched the bannister of the stairs as I was about to descend them...and it felt like yesterday. The touch in my fingers and brain were not at all aware it had been 35 years since I had touched the smooth wood...they knew the banister. They had been inseparable over the years, forever etched in my nerves and memory. And I was filled with awe...and still am.

The second happened on our way to Lookout Mountain. It was a cool morning and I asked Jonathan to grab my driving gloves from out of my purse. I had pulled them off of the closet shelf a couple of weeks ago, just in case I would want them in the cooler weather of Oklahoma. Jonathan dug around and pulled them out and said, eyes bright and dancing, "Grammie,... they smell like Grammie!" Sure enough, he put them up to my nose and we both smiled and laughed. It has been 7 years since we said good-bye to Grammie as she went home to the Lord, and our sense of smell remembered her on this small article of clothing. At Covenant, we made Katie close her eyes, and putting the gloves under her nose (she was apprehensive :0)!) she immediately said, "Grammie!" Grammie's aroma brought joy to our hearts and smiles to our lips. How marvelously our smell and brain worked to remember and recall our love for her just with a whiff of her aroma...her perfume.

I can't help to first praise God for how wonderfully He has made us...senses, memories, and emotions. And as I sit here, Bible open, I pray that my life will be one that is lived in such a way that when He touches me, He remembers my strong, quick response to His touch...just as my fingers remembered the faithful strength of the bannister. I pray that as I live my life here, I will live it in such a way that the aroma causes His eyes to brighten, His heart to dance and rejoice at the memories of how I lived life with Him.

May I be an aroma to the only Great God.

"To God our Savior, Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty, Dominion and power
Both now and forever.
Amen!"

Good morning....

2008-01-18T09:18:00.000-05:00

I'm eating my breakfast in the bright sunshine of Lookout Mountain, GA while Jonathan is surrounded in a "fishbowl" of professors at Covenant College, grilling the students in the middle circle in an effort to see who they want to reward with top scholarship opportunities in the fall's Freshman class. I sit in the calm, wooded home of Jane and Henry who so graciously host me when I am here, and pray for my son's ability and character in an intimidating atmosphere... and can't help but ask... how many more times in life will I have the privilege to pray for him in such a manner? Even as I sit here, I feel some tension of nervousness... in sympathy. The funny thing is, he is probably not at all nervous!! Yesterday when I asked him if he was at all anxious he said, "No....I trust that God will be true to give the scholarship to those who need and deserve it." Just as we have always said our desire is, to not stand in the way of someone's education who without the scholarship money would not be able to attend Covenant, Jonathan states his heart is there as well. But just the process is such good experience for life. The understanding that others will and do challenge your abilities, whether by their natural giftedness, or their perseverance and hard work. And one day, he will be praying for someone, maybe a son or friend, who is in a fishbowl of life...and he will know how to pray.

His time is up! Wonder how it went! I thank God for the many diverse experiences, tough and fun, that we have the privilege to savor...and may we savor them, not just live them !

(Phone rings) Oh, it's him! And guess what. He wasn't nervous... said it was "very different". Now is that an answer to my prayer, or just an easy going kid... which is also an answer to prayer (Sometimes!!! You moms know what I mean!).

Well, guess it is conclusive... an answer to prayer...and a forshadowing of God's faithfulness in the next two interviews, the tough ones to come!

Let me introduce to you...

2007-12-30T14:51:00.001-05:00

...Pascaline!

Pascaline is my "French daughter"! She has come to live with us for 9 months. She arrived in August. She is doing an internship for her university at Voice of the Martyrs. It has been a delight to have her here. The only places in the US she had previously seen were Oklahoma and Houston, therefore, we decided we needed to get her to Denver for Christmas to see the Rockies. She liked what she saw! ;0) Here she and Katie are enjoying snowy Colorado!

We are learning so much from her. We are being encouraged to "press on" even harder as we learn first hand from her reactions and surprise to what she sees in the American church, a thing that we have often talked about... mediocrity in passion. In France, a relationship with God and all that it brings is so counter cultural, that when found, it is a true treasure. She is saddened that our passion in worship and serving does not reflect our treasure. Maybe I will have her guest log about it someday! What encouragement for us in Christ's family to stay the course where Christianity is not at this moment counter-cultural, though on it's way, to not be mediocre in our living for the Lord. The persecuted or alone Christian cultures have much to teach us... about dying for our belief, yes, but also about living in such a way that we do not find ourselves as well in a counter-culture or oppression of our belief in Christ... a half-hearted service or worship. May passionate, service minded lovers of God come against the mediocrity of God's church... that we may be "in whom I am well-pleased."

Thanks to Pascaline for again reminding us what we have, and stand to lose...