I've spent many hours in my life feeding horses, hogs, and cattle. I've pitched hay from a tractor, hay mow or from a nearby hay stack. My eyelashes and nose often "froze" while panting in the activity of the hard work, or my skin burned from the very hot, dry sun. And now I can say that I rode on and took pictures from a sleigh pulled by draft horses, loaded with hay to pitch to the other horses in the pasture... and I didn't "have" to do it! Thank you Nick and Mike for adding to my repertoire of farming experiences!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Of hay and horses...
I've spent many hours in my life feeding horses, hogs, and cattle. I've pitched hay from a tractor, hay mow or from a nearby hay stack. My eyelashes and nose often "froze" while panting in the activity of the hard work, or my skin burned from the very hot, dry sun. And now I can say that I rode on and took pictures from a sleigh pulled by draft horses, loaded with hay to pitch to the other horses in the pasture... and I didn't "have" to do it! Thank you Nick and Mike for adding to my repertoire of farming experiences!
They are one!
Sunday, March 01, 2009
I remember when....
... my 2 oldest had 2 different stories when caught doing something that was not allowed. Do I remember what it was now? Heck no. But I remember how my mind scrambled about how I could teach these 2 young blessings of mine that lying, deceit or "white lies" was simply not acceptable. Ever! In the moments that only young parents can understand, I needed help now and quick to teach this character lesson. (Arrow prayers are wonderful.) As my heart prayed very quickly with words for help, I started to explain to them I was not dumb. I knew that one of them was not telling me what really had happened... and the one who had tried to protect themselves with not telling the truth was wrong. Therefore, I was giving them one chance to correct the wrong action. One at a time, I instructed, they would tell me (while away from the other) what had really happened and that the only way to be sure their story matched would be to tell the truth. If their stories matched, there would not be the expected punishment, but mercy. If they didn't, both would get the expected punishment... and the guilty would cause pain for the other... just as lying or deceit does in life, period. Guess what! I got 2 matching stories... and a remorseful heart, and a young prayer that said they were sorry. Do I remember who lied? Nope. I just remember the quick wisdom sent from above, the grateful heart of a woman who was entirely inadequate at the moment, and the love I felt for both of those children entrusted to me.
How different life would be if all lived telling the truth... and young moms trusted God for wisdom. Believe me, this was not the last panic session I had with parenting... and even though they have all fledged the nest... it probably won't be the last. I've learned with full heart, it is good to look to Another... in all things... and not hide...
May I also be as honest with Him.
How different life would be if all lived telling the truth... and young moms trusted God for wisdom. Believe me, this was not the last panic session I had with parenting... and even though they have all fledged the nest... it probably won't be the last. I've learned with full heart, it is good to look to Another... in all things... and not hide...
May I also be as honest with Him.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Transition... welcome to real life!
Webster states:transition is the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.
I highly recommend:
Lost in the Middle, Paul Tripp
and
Still Going It Alone, Michele Howe
These last 6 months have found me writing and choosing not to post a blog. Too uncomfortable. Even though I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was normal! And this comes from one that is very willing to let everyone see exactly what I'm feeling, thinking or experiencing because of a conviction that as I learn things in life, I certainly have the ability.... even the responsibility... to share those discoveries with others. Vulnerable... yes. Comfortable being vulnerable... absolutely... until this fall.
I always knew this appointment in life would be one of my greatest grief periods. After all, an empty nest truly reminds one of, and reveals the depth of pain in the missing of another in life. I knew that sending my last off to college would bring the grief of burying my dear husband David to a new level of intensity... I just had no idea how intense!
The first grief was the missing of my youngest son, our busy social schedule.... but especially our Sunday afternoon dates! You see, at one point when I knew I couldn't compete with the wonderful girls around him in the "fun" department (Mom's job description entails a lot of "not fun" talks and responsibilities), I told him on the way home from church one day, that Sunday afternoons were ours, and that we were going on dates! We now know every coffee shop in Tulsa, many restaurants, and have enjoyed many outings to movies and buying him debate suits! From looking at pictures, discussions or playing Speed Scrabble over coffee, I had no idea how much harder that could make a "transition", and it did! But, despite the pain, I'd do it all over again!
After the initial adjustment of quietness, a totally free slate on schedule was mine... and I purposed to protect it for up to a year. You see, I knew that one of my great coping mechanisms for pain is busyness. And I knew that my being a widow, my missing of David, would begin in earnest as the silence closed in. I simply decided to face the pain head on... and thus hopefully shortening it's grip, instead of partially ignoring it and facing it longer. That doesn't mean I was always at home, quite the contrary. I've had many fun outings with friends, but I chose to not become so committed that I didn't have to deal with the loneliness and pain of my being alone...of finding who I was, since my roles over the last 28 years have been wife and mother, intensified in the simple fact of being the only parent. That transition has been very hard, complicated with other things. At many times I've had to battle feelings of being "lazy"... after all, what do I have to show for my time (funny thing, I often thought that with toddlers and teens)! Guilt has played its seductive tones to try to disuade me from the task at hand... grieving or otherwise. A sense of disorientation kept me "busy" with the urgent things in life... luring me away from the opportunity I had to spend in Bible study or writing. Questioning my life... my very essence, became a thief of energy and thinking of others. And, for one who loves companionship... many nights alone were simply lonely.
Tripp says in his book that there are 2 things true about every middle aged person. First, we are aware that our lives have not worked according to our plan and second, once again like a toddler, we are always trying to figure our lives out. He goes on to state that those points describe the essence of "mid-life"... the collision of powerful personal awareness and a powerful personal interpretation. All of a sudden we see things that have been developed in our lives without our awareness, in the busy years of life... both good and bad. But, oh, the attention or focus we give the bad! Thus explains the up front vulnerability I had with my children at Christmas... knowing that I couldn't hide from them the twisting of my heart and the periodic tears of my eyes with them again in the house with me, and so "close to the situation". I told them, tearfully, I needed them to know that I really believed I was normal (many other friends my age or older, seemed to know just what I'd describe to them because they had or were experiencing the same) but that I knew in the holiday time at home I couldn't hide from them that some deep questioning and pain was going on in my heart. "I don't know who I am", "I don't know where I'm going, or if God can or if He will use me in any way", and "I don't think I have anything to offer Him or others" were some of the questions and emotions dogging my heart. All this coming from a woman who had just taught a retreat on the "3 W's of Life: Who/whose are you? Where are you? Why are you?", in which I answer each question with truth from the Scriptures. I told them I knew the answers in my head, but that my heart was wretching to again embrace that truth. They looked at me as if to say, "Who took our mom? Where is she in there?", the same thoughts I had heard in my head many times. So uncharacteristic of the "strong, capable widow" whose trust was in God's plan... but oh, so real. I told them that I had tried to encourage myself with the fact that I knew of none other that (though I know you are out there) have the number of life transitions all at once as myself... empty nest, 8 weeks later a daughter calling as she just got engaged (a wonderful event I might add), a son overseas in his second year, and all this without the one I desperately loved to share it with... as a widow. I knew personally many with 2 of those transitions... one with 3... none with all 4! I felt so oddly different at times. I regularly consoled myself with "It was, after all, alot to handle." I again in my life, had turned heavenward and reminded God He had chosen the wrong woman for all of this! Little good it did... except that I was forced again to remember, He had always and will always see me through.
Transitions in life are many. Some easy, some too intense, we think, to survive. Synonyms for transition, I believe can be: adolescence, college, career, marriage, divorce, parenting, empty-nest, marriage of children, old-age, failing health, and death. I'm sure we could all add more to the list. Youth seems to cruise through transition focused on tomorrow's wonderful life. Those in the middle no longer live with the partner of invincibility, but the realism life experience brings. All I'm convinced are blessings. It doesn't include the word easy or fun. Whether one is young or old, whether a change is heart lifting or heart rendering... all transitions require a personal response of some kind from us. That response will determine how "rough the road" is that we travel. A response of entitlement, to deserve better than we've been given, will produce within a discontentment and perhaps anger and bitterness, directed at others and/or God. That is a very rough place to travel, destroying the very enjoyment and peace in life. A response of gratitude toward life's events gives expectations of vistas along the way... in both the valley and mountaintop experiences. The understanding that transitional days bring blessings of growth and change, smooths the road of life with a joy and unexplainable sense of peace and anticipation. But there is an ultimate response from the heart...one which brings with it perhaps the greatest sense of being loved and cared for... one that asks. Asking for transitions so that one is not only made in His image, but along the road of life becomes more indistinguishable from Him, is the bravest, selfless and most satisfying response of all. It is not easy or fun to travel that road. But, I'm convinced it is worth it.
Therefore, you see, this transition I'm making... one day, I'm sure that...
I'd do it all over again!
I highly recommend:
Lost in the Middle, Paul Tripp
and
Still Going It Alone, Michele Howe
These last 6 months have found me writing and choosing not to post a blog. Too uncomfortable. Even though I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was normal! And this comes from one that is very willing to let everyone see exactly what I'm feeling, thinking or experiencing because of a conviction that as I learn things in life, I certainly have the ability.... even the responsibility... to share those discoveries with others. Vulnerable... yes. Comfortable being vulnerable... absolutely... until this fall.
I always knew this appointment in life would be one of my greatest grief periods. After all, an empty nest truly reminds one of, and reveals the depth of pain in the missing of another in life. I knew that sending my last off to college would bring the grief of burying my dear husband David to a new level of intensity... I just had no idea how intense!
The first grief was the missing of my youngest son, our busy social schedule.... but especially our Sunday afternoon dates! You see, at one point when I knew I couldn't compete with the wonderful girls around him in the "fun" department (Mom's job description entails a lot of "not fun" talks and responsibilities), I told him on the way home from church one day, that Sunday afternoons were ours, and that we were going on dates! We now know every coffee shop in Tulsa, many restaurants, and have enjoyed many outings to movies and buying him debate suits! From looking at pictures, discussions or playing Speed Scrabble over coffee, I had no idea how much harder that could make a "transition", and it did! But, despite the pain, I'd do it all over again!
After the initial adjustment of quietness, a totally free slate on schedule was mine... and I purposed to protect it for up to a year. You see, I knew that one of my great coping mechanisms for pain is busyness. And I knew that my being a widow, my missing of David, would begin in earnest as the silence closed in. I simply decided to face the pain head on... and thus hopefully shortening it's grip, instead of partially ignoring it and facing it longer. That doesn't mean I was always at home, quite the contrary. I've had many fun outings with friends, but I chose to not become so committed that I didn't have to deal with the loneliness and pain of my being alone...of finding who I was, since my roles over the last 28 years have been wife and mother, intensified in the simple fact of being the only parent. That transition has been very hard, complicated with other things. At many times I've had to battle feelings of being "lazy"... after all, what do I have to show for my time (funny thing, I often thought that with toddlers and teens)! Guilt has played its seductive tones to try to disuade me from the task at hand... grieving or otherwise. A sense of disorientation kept me "busy" with the urgent things in life... luring me away from the opportunity I had to spend in Bible study or writing. Questioning my life... my very essence, became a thief of energy and thinking of others. And, for one who loves companionship... many nights alone were simply lonely.
Tripp says in his book that there are 2 things true about every middle aged person. First, we are aware that our lives have not worked according to our plan and second, once again like a toddler, we are always trying to figure our lives out. He goes on to state that those points describe the essence of "mid-life"... the collision of powerful personal awareness and a powerful personal interpretation. All of a sudden we see things that have been developed in our lives without our awareness, in the busy years of life... both good and bad. But, oh, the attention or focus we give the bad! Thus explains the up front vulnerability I had with my children at Christmas... knowing that I couldn't hide from them the twisting of my heart and the periodic tears of my eyes with them again in the house with me, and so "close to the situation". I told them, tearfully, I needed them to know that I really believed I was normal (many other friends my age or older, seemed to know just what I'd describe to them because they had or were experiencing the same) but that I knew in the holiday time at home I couldn't hide from them that some deep questioning and pain was going on in my heart. "I don't know who I am", "I don't know where I'm going, or if God can or if He will use me in any way", and "I don't think I have anything to offer Him or others" were some of the questions and emotions dogging my heart. All this coming from a woman who had just taught a retreat on the "3 W's of Life: Who/whose are you? Where are you? Why are you?", in which I answer each question with truth from the Scriptures. I told them I knew the answers in my head, but that my heart was wretching to again embrace that truth. They looked at me as if to say, "Who took our mom? Where is she in there?", the same thoughts I had heard in my head many times. So uncharacteristic of the "strong, capable widow" whose trust was in God's plan... but oh, so real. I told them that I had tried to encourage myself with the fact that I knew of none other that (though I know you are out there) have the number of life transitions all at once as myself... empty nest, 8 weeks later a daughter calling as she just got engaged (a wonderful event I might add), a son overseas in his second year, and all this without the one I desperately loved to share it with... as a widow. I knew personally many with 2 of those transitions... one with 3... none with all 4! I felt so oddly different at times. I regularly consoled myself with "It was, after all, alot to handle." I again in my life, had turned heavenward and reminded God He had chosen the wrong woman for all of this! Little good it did... except that I was forced again to remember, He had always and will always see me through.
Transitions in life are many. Some easy, some too intense, we think, to survive. Synonyms for transition, I believe can be: adolescence, college, career, marriage, divorce, parenting, empty-nest, marriage of children, old-age, failing health, and death. I'm sure we could all add more to the list. Youth seems to cruise through transition focused on tomorrow's wonderful life. Those in the middle no longer live with the partner of invincibility, but the realism life experience brings. All I'm convinced are blessings. It doesn't include the word easy or fun. Whether one is young or old, whether a change is heart lifting or heart rendering... all transitions require a personal response of some kind from us. That response will determine how "rough the road" is that we travel. A response of entitlement, to deserve better than we've been given, will produce within a discontentment and perhaps anger and bitterness, directed at others and/or God. That is a very rough place to travel, destroying the very enjoyment and peace in life. A response of gratitude toward life's events gives expectations of vistas along the way... in both the valley and mountaintop experiences. The understanding that transitional days bring blessings of growth and change, smooths the road of life with a joy and unexplainable sense of peace and anticipation. But there is an ultimate response from the heart...one which brings with it perhaps the greatest sense of being loved and cared for... one that asks. Asking for transitions so that one is not only made in His image, but along the road of life becomes more indistinguishable from Him, is the bravest, selfless and most satisfying response of all. It is not easy or fun to travel that road. But, I'm convinced it is worth it.
Therefore, you see, this transition I'm making... one day, I'm sure that...
I'd do it all over again!
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Welcome 2009....
... but how New Years have changed!
Beyond the need of the Word, I've just ordered a couple of books that I hope will give insight into where this new person God is shaping is going, after I find out who she is! Sounds confusing coming from me... believe me, I know. The one who teaches many women to answer the '3 W's" in life," Whose am I? Where am I? Why am I?'... or where women should go to "fill their emotional tank", or how to welcome and embrace the "refining fire of a wonderful God"! Every time I have taught in the last months, a voice has said, "Listen to your own teaching! It applies to YOU!" The extremes of emotion I've been experiencing the last 6 months, if placed on a graph, might elicit quick decisive action to institutionalize me ( alright, so I exaggerate... maybe...) from those other than the "mid life growth" crowd (I deliberately chose the word growth to try to spin positive about it... :0) ). One thing that has been of comfort is that those friends who are also in "growth", are expressing like things... and today I'm recording some of where I am, though still afraid to expose it, and fully confident there's more to discover. The one difference is that all of my friends with an empty home, have a spouse to go with them, or to hold them up, in this passage... a cord of 3 strands is not easily broken! Yet, I'm old enough to know that relationships are such that this is not always of benefit. And, for some reason, the best plan is for me is to do it alone. It is not the first time I find myself at a place of not liking me, wanting to hide for fear I'll "break" something or someone... because I don't know what is seeping to the top for exposure. But most of my days, I had a loving encourager beside me..I remember an old pastor I heard on a radio back in Hawaii days... " The greatest compliment God can pay us is when He stokes the fire." Again I'm at the place where I lift my heart and beg for no more compliments!
It really does boil down to embracing this passageway as shaping the woman God is creating... a woman that will not or cannot be created without the pain and transition I am asked to weather. I've done it before, with Him. Guess one could call it His painful grace... a grace that won't quit growing His loved... because of the reward of becoming more like Him, even here, no especially here on earth. But what is it about me that it can't be achieved without pain?
Grace... hmm... wonderful, yes... easy life, no...
Some things don't change, like grace...
... the New Years do...
Beyond the need of the Word, I've just ordered a couple of books that I hope will give insight into where this new person God is shaping is going, after I find out who she is! Sounds confusing coming from me... believe me, I know. The one who teaches many women to answer the '3 W's" in life," Whose am I? Where am I? Why am I?'... or where women should go to "fill their emotional tank", or how to welcome and embrace the "refining fire of a wonderful God"! Every time I have taught in the last months, a voice has said, "Listen to your own teaching! It applies to YOU!" The extremes of emotion I've been experiencing the last 6 months, if placed on a graph, might elicit quick decisive action to institutionalize me ( alright, so I exaggerate... maybe...) from those other than the "mid life growth" crowd (I deliberately chose the word growth to try to spin positive about it... :0) ). One thing that has been of comfort is that those friends who are also in "growth", are expressing like things... and today I'm recording some of where I am, though still afraid to expose it, and fully confident there's more to discover. The one difference is that all of my friends with an empty home, have a spouse to go with them, or to hold them up, in this passage... a cord of 3 strands is not easily broken! Yet, I'm old enough to know that relationships are such that this is not always of benefit. And, for some reason, the best plan is for me is to do it alone. It is not the first time I find myself at a place of not liking me, wanting to hide for fear I'll "break" something or someone... because I don't know what is seeping to the top for exposure. But most of my days, I had a loving encourager beside me..I remember an old pastor I heard on a radio back in Hawaii days... " The greatest compliment God can pay us is when He stokes the fire." Again I'm at the place where I lift my heart and beg for no more compliments!
It really does boil down to embracing this passageway as shaping the woman God is creating... a woman that will not or cannot be created without the pain and transition I am asked to weather. I've done it before, with Him. Guess one could call it His painful grace... a grace that won't quit growing His loved... because of the reward of becoming more like Him, even here, no especially here on earth. But what is it about me that it can't be achieved without pain?
Grace... hmm... wonderful, yes... easy life, no...
Some things don't change, like grace...
... the New Years do...
Friday, October 31, 2008
My inbox...
...is full of plane reservations and emails containing plans and times of airplanes touching down in Tulsa, or cars driving to Bartlesville with the most precious cargo of all....
... the kids I love.
Oh, how I love those emails... the Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings under my roof... and the Blessings God has givien me in children... and their friends.
I give thanks...
... the kids I love.
Oh, how I love those emails... the Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings under my roof... and the Blessings God has givien me in children... and their friends.
I give thanks...
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Anatomy of the Heart...
When in Respiratory Therapy School I had the privilege of watching open heart surgery. I also saw an autopsy. The hearts in each, obviously, were very different. One was full of life, color and active... the other cold, still and gray. A living heart is truly a sight to behold. It is hard to describe. It is the center of life. The intricacies that make the fiber, 4 chambers and various valves come alive and perform their task 80-100 times per minute for 80 some years on the average... are quite simply, amazing. It is an engineering miracle...a designer's dream... and on top of that, there is some kind of connection between the brain and heart to house emotions...
A "full of life" heart is what the Creator intended for all. One that beats with excitement at many different things... and when poked, bleeds. I've concluded in painful times of life, and believe now, that it is in that bleeding when a heart is pricked, that one really begins to have an understanding of real life. It is bleeding, even in spurts, that makes life so evident on a surgery table ... and in our emotions toward those we love. Indeed, I've concluded that the amount of bleeding done emotionally when under duress or when "poked", is directly proportional to the depth of understanding and love in the "poking" relationship. When my Dad died my grief was unbearable, because of the great depth of love we shared as Father and daughter... my Mom, too. And today, I can't describe for you what bleeding takes place when I think of... the one with which I still desire to share my heart and life. Indeed, the one I am convinced I need to share my heart and life. So, all I can do is remember... how much depth of life, love and living we shared... and be thankful that the bleeding reminds me of the joy shared between us.
And then there is the cold, gray heart. I am not naive enough to ignore the "poking" of hearts who upon remembrance, bleed for what they never had, or can't bleed at all. My heart goes out to them, and it is the desire of my soul to give them a taste of what I've been given. But, hearts that have bled too much are hard to revive. But some do, and those I have seen turn around to fullness of life give me some of the greatest joy on earth... realizing that with God, the Giver of life, even the "poking" can now lead to that joy of life found in relationships. My hope for those who walk this path is to realize there is a bleeding that brings life... and thus, joy with remembrance. No where better depicted is this bleeding to life than at the Cross...
As for me, today my heart bleeds... and it also remembers... and that is a good thing.
Psalm 90: 10-12
As for the days of our life, they contain seventy years,
Or if due to strength, eighty years,
Yet their pride is but labor and sorrow;
For soon it is gone and we fly away.
Who understands the power of Your anger
And Your fury, according to the fear that is due You?
So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
A "full of life" heart is what the Creator intended for all. One that beats with excitement at many different things... and when poked, bleeds. I've concluded in painful times of life, and believe now, that it is in that bleeding when a heart is pricked, that one really begins to have an understanding of real life. It is bleeding, even in spurts, that makes life so evident on a surgery table ... and in our emotions toward those we love. Indeed, I've concluded that the amount of bleeding done emotionally when under duress or when "poked", is directly proportional to the depth of understanding and love in the "poking" relationship. When my Dad died my grief was unbearable, because of the great depth of love we shared as Father and daughter... my Mom, too. And today, I can't describe for you what bleeding takes place when I think of... the one with which I still desire to share my heart and life. Indeed, the one I am convinced I need to share my heart and life. So, all I can do is remember... how much depth of life, love and living we shared... and be thankful that the bleeding reminds me of the joy shared between us.
And then there is the cold, gray heart. I am not naive enough to ignore the "poking" of hearts who upon remembrance, bleed for what they never had, or can't bleed at all. My heart goes out to them, and it is the desire of my soul to give them a taste of what I've been given. But, hearts that have bled too much are hard to revive. But some do, and those I have seen turn around to fullness of life give me some of the greatest joy on earth... realizing that with God, the Giver of life, even the "poking" can now lead to that joy of life found in relationships. My hope for those who walk this path is to realize there is a bleeding that brings life... and thus, joy with remembrance. No where better depicted is this bleeding to life than at the Cross...
As for me, today my heart bleeds... and it also remembers... and that is a good thing.
Psalm 90: 10-12
As for the days of our life, they contain seventy years,
Or if due to strength, eighty years,
Yet their pride is but labor and sorrow;
For soon it is gone and we fly away.
Who understands the power of Your anger
And Your fury, according to the fear that is due You?
So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Monday, October 20, 2008
26 Years ago....
... David and I learned we were pregnant a second time. It was a Thanksgiving gift to us. As we had lost our first, we entered this pregnancy with some apprehension, but soon we realized, we were going to be parents in life. It was at that point we began praying for this child's heart to love the Lord early in life, serve Him with their whole heart, and to keep in His training and care one who, of His choosing might be this child's spouse. Months later Becky arrived, and years later Adam has arrived...another Thanksgiving gift! It is with great praise and rejoicing that I look forward to the day I can tell you all I have 3 sons... at the union of Becky and Adam. Little does Becky realize the great joy she brought to us... as a child and now a beautiful, fun-loving godly woman. And little does Adam realize how fun it is for me to know of whom I have lifted up in prayer all these years... and he is everything for which I had hoped and prayed.
It is with a heart of wishing I could share this with her Father...since we knelt in prayer so often together. How I have longed to share this joyful answer to prayer with him. But it is much more sweet than bitter as my daughter has been given a companion for life that loves the Lord... and her... with greatness in heart. What more could a Mom want as she lays her head down to rest at night?
He is faithful... in spite of me.
Becky, I love you sooooo much...
And Adam... I love you already...
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
It's been 7 years today...
... and my God was as good on the day I buried my dear husband as on the day I married him. His goodness doesn't change.
7 years have passed quickly and yet I sometimes "dread" that these next years might pass slowly in ways. (Though at my age, slow is becoming more of a welcomed word!!!!) But, I know I look back with continued gratefulness for a husband who loved his family passionately, planned for us diligently, and showed us how to live a life and yes, die, devoted to God and family, while providing for us in every way. Yes, David is significant to our family even today, in spite of his absence.
How thankful I am...
7 years have passed quickly and yet I sometimes "dread" that these next years might pass slowly in ways. (Though at my age, slow is becoming more of a welcomed word!!!!) But, I know I look back with continued gratefulness for a husband who loved his family passionately, planned for us diligently, and showed us how to live a life and yes, die, devoted to God and family, while providing for us in every way. Yes, David is significant to our family even today, in spite of his absence.
How thankful I am...
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Anticipation...
Hurricane Ike has made a huge impression... 600 miles in diameter worth. I've spent many wonderful hours sailing through the mouth of Kemah, eating on the Kemah parkway watching other sailboats sail out to the Galveston Bay with my dear husband and family, or taking my children to canoeing lessons in Dickinson. The pictures of the roads, the restaurants in Kemah... they bring back wonderful memories. And, friends. I've prayed for them all night, anxiously tried to contact them today. So far, Christens made it through a very noisy night, with horizontal rain, though very little. DeGrays are ok, though the garage roof is damaged, and the church has been hit very hard... all doors blown out, roof taken off the Life Center, with all the ensuing damage. Kittles are safe too, and water was inches from their house. Derricks, Rasks, Graves, Carmen, and Weichbrodts (along with many others) I have not heard from.... which brings me to anticipation...
... how I long to hear that all my friends are fine. Calling on their cells and getting no answer brings a certain disappointment to the anticipationn of hearing their voices and knowing they are ok. I anticipate hearing their voices and the sense of relief and joy that brings.
Do I anticipate hearing my Lord's voice as much? Do I long to have that quick call from Him... and do I have immediate response of relief and joy from hearing His voice? Do I anticipate His coming... watching with great desire...longing to see Him as much as I do my child when he returns from an Asian country after a year at school? I can answer those questions... and I don't like the answer...
Like most, I wait for Him in great anticipation when... I am in need or pain. In that situation I tend to expect His arrival, I long for Him to arrive. But in times of joy or comfort I take for granted His availability at my convenience. I fail to recognize He is as anxious to hear from me as I am to hear from my friends. He longs to meet me when or where ever... as a wonderful Father and friend... and how often I am too busy to take the call... or, God forbid, look at the caller ID and choose not to answer! And many are the reasons why...
May we all live in anticipation of His call...
... how I long to hear that all my friends are fine. Calling on their cells and getting no answer brings a certain disappointment to the anticipationn of hearing their voices and knowing they are ok. I anticipate hearing their voices and the sense of relief and joy that brings.
I just want to hear from them...and then I think...
Do I anticipate hearing my Lord's voice as much? Do I long to have that quick call from Him... and do I have immediate response of relief and joy from hearing His voice? Do I anticipate His coming... watching with great desire...longing to see Him as much as I do my child when he returns from an Asian country after a year at school? I can answer those questions... and I don't like the answer...
Like most, I wait for Him in great anticipation when... I am in need or pain. In that situation I tend to expect His arrival, I long for Him to arrive. But in times of joy or comfort I take for granted His availability at my convenience. I fail to recognize He is as anxious to hear from me as I am to hear from my friends. He longs to meet me when or where ever... as a wonderful Father and friend... and how often I am too busy to take the call... or, God forbid, look at the caller ID and choose not to answer! And many are the reasons why...
So, cultivate in me a heart, O Father, that longs to hear from You and responds to you, as I know I will respond when I hear Dusty, Carrie, and Carmen's voices on the other end of the phone line...
And may I look to Your coming as I much as I look forward to again having a lunch with them...
And I really do love my time with You... help me to prioritize it...
May we all live in anticipation of His call...
Thursday, August 21, 2008
To my kids...
To my kids:
Fly. Fly with only one "homing instinct"... the Lord. All else is either immaterial or an idol.
Be careful... ideas can be the enemy's "weapons" to twist the Lord's directions, or the Lord's great gift to you... know Him well enough to know the difference!
Remember... you have an earthly Mother that loves you very much... and wants you living life doing what He needs you doing... no matter how far it takes you...
... and that the love she has for you is "pale compared to your heavenly Father's love'!
Live by the Greatest Commandent... promoting personal responsibility, keeping each other accountable...
...and the reward will be full.
I love you,
Mom
Fly. Fly with only one "homing instinct"... the Lord. All else is either immaterial or an idol.
Be careful... ideas can be the enemy's "weapons" to twist the Lord's directions, or the Lord's great gift to you... know Him well enough to know the difference!
Remember... you have an earthly Mother that loves you very much... and wants you living life doing what He needs you doing... no matter how far it takes you...
... and that the love she has for you is "pale compared to your heavenly Father's love'!
Live by the Greatest Commandent... promoting personal responsibility, keeping each other accountable...
...and the reward will be full.
I love you,
Mom
Life... she is a changin'...
(Jonathan's graduation from ACS... Katie, Becky, Mom and the Man of the day!)
Well, here we are in a hotel for a final night's sleep before Katie ascends the local mountain upon which is perched Covenant College. Jon and I help unload her tomorrow and get her moved in. She has responsibilities as the discipleship coordinators team leader of her dorm this year, and her job starts in earnest as soon as she arrives. Part of that outreach starts Friday as she welcomes new students, ie., Freshman, onto campus. That will include her brother! So, on Friday Jon and I will ascend Lookout Mountain and unload his belongs... and that night I will return to my Hampton Inn room... alone!
Wish I could express for you the whole of emotions that goes on with one looking at an empty nest... especially one as "nurturing" in personality as I, but I doubt that even I know the vastness of any upcoming feelings. I have done this 3 times now, and love to see each child become who they are, apart from me... and yet, I miss them so much. But this time no one is left to take the brunt of my "mothering" and provides a very different kind of "empty nesting".
This spring was very hard... and I know that this fall will bring new opportunities to grieve. I know that I will grieve the "loss" of my babies and being needed by them (to some extent), but the loss of my companion David will be central to it all. David and I dreamed of these days together... spending more relaxed time with each other doing whatever we decided to do.... visit the kids, travel, dream, and minister together. And now I find myself facing the loss of those dreams, again, and yet I understand that I have the great privilege of asking God to show me, as a single woman, the dreams He has for me. These next steps are just an adjustment... nothing new to life, and I choose to smile at the adventure. As a matter of fact, I can hardly wait to see what is around this last empty nest...
Besides, do you know how long it has been since I could do things on a daily basis just for ME? 27 years... wonderful ones, yes, but....!!! So, do you know who is going to enjoy being her own boss and sole proprietor of her time? ME! And my plans are to not become committed to many things very quickly. I need time to sit in my home alone and study the Word, think, be quiet, pray and remember... bringing both tears and laughter to my days and nights, I am sure!
"There is a season ... for all things."
And, I am going to truly live it!!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Olymic winners...
The Casselberry family is glued to the broadcasting of the Olympics. It is a given, whether it is Summer or Winter events. We are addicted... no bones about it. The Summer has a special interest for us as the kids swam on the P-66 swim team for years, and under one of the most reputable experts in swimming, even today recognized internationally. However, his attentions at that time, were mainly given to those he thought could be Olympic winners and the rest didn't get the help they needed. As it is, 2 of the swimmers in Becky and Ryan's group under him swam at the Olympic trials this year. Gary and Michael have done very well... but, there was a whole pool full of swimmers that swam with them who never made it to Nationals, let alone Olympic trials. None will ever have the noteriety of having 8 gold medals hanging on their neck gracing the front of Sports Illustrated... check out that Michael Phelps! Or nail the high bar with an extremely difficult routine like our OU Sooner, Jonathan Horton!
And, as we remain glued to the excitement of medals, the sorrow of knocked over hurdles, the off balance falls, my heart has basked in gratefulness. Gratefulness that I don't have to live life in perfect balance, dominating endurance, and perfect form. All of us in the pool of life just won't measure up to Gold Medal performances. I'm not the perfect mom or friend. Further more, my nature is to not do the hard work it takes to pursue the excellence needed in all areas of life. Sure there are a few that gain my unyielding passion, but settling for mediocrity or just good enough seems very acceptable at times in the face of extreme commitment or the pain in reaching my goal. It is for that reason, the lack of performance in life to strive in all things to do what is right, where deep gratefulness resides. Gratefulness to God that it is not my performance or works that makes me His child. When life is on a high balance beam and I loose balance, it is not me on whom I depend. When I can't seem to go on anymore and feel the waters closing in, unable to get enough breath, it is He who gives me enough stamina to take one more stroke or dive. He is a coach that hasn't ignored me in the pool of life because I'm not a "champion". No, because of the shed blood, death and resurrection of the perfect One, you and I are seen as Champions in all things, if we have believed and embraced this truth about his sacrifice. Indeed, it is His Son, who helps me finish the race...and the perfect One sees me as His child and promises me rewards and a place with Him... a place dressed in gold, with singing of praises instead of a national anthem!
Yes, the Olympics are a huge part of the Casselberry's lives this week. But, may the Olympics of heaven be the daily passion of our hearts, the very balance of our lives. May we drink deeply of the gratefulness of challenge and in the realization that there is a coach that is perfect in our training. Living with Him eternally is the real gold medal.
And, as we remain glued to the excitement of medals, the sorrow of knocked over hurdles, the off balance falls, my heart has basked in gratefulness. Gratefulness that I don't have to live life in perfect balance, dominating endurance, and perfect form. All of us in the pool of life just won't measure up to Gold Medal performances. I'm not the perfect mom or friend. Further more, my nature is to not do the hard work it takes to pursue the excellence needed in all areas of life. Sure there are a few that gain my unyielding passion, but settling for mediocrity or just good enough seems very acceptable at times in the face of extreme commitment or the pain in reaching my goal. It is for that reason, the lack of performance in life to strive in all things to do what is right, where deep gratefulness resides. Gratefulness to God that it is not my performance or works that makes me His child. When life is on a high balance beam and I loose balance, it is not me on whom I depend. When I can't seem to go on anymore and feel the waters closing in, unable to get enough breath, it is He who gives me enough stamina to take one more stroke or dive. He is a coach that hasn't ignored me in the pool of life because I'm not a "champion". No, because of the shed blood, death and resurrection of the perfect One, you and I are seen as Champions in all things, if we have believed and embraced this truth about his sacrifice. Indeed, it is His Son, who helps me finish the race...and the perfect One sees me as His child and promises me rewards and a place with Him... a place dressed in gold, with singing of praises instead of a national anthem!
Yes, the Olympics are a huge part of the Casselberry's lives this week. But, may the Olympics of heaven be the daily passion of our hearts, the very balance of our lives. May we drink deeply of the gratefulness of challenge and in the realization that there is a coach that is perfect in our training. Living with Him eternally is the real gold medal.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
It's warm, windy and unpredictable...
... ahh, who says that we can't see God? In the power and the warmth of spring, and flowers that bloom, He gives evidence through His creation of who He is.
... in warmth, in wind, in rain, and severe weather... there is one that causes flowers to bloom, the sun to rise and set, and men to lean on God.
...tonight 9 are dead 80 miles from here due to tornadoes. They are still searching for more to help, or count.
May they find help in His incredible leading and care, and still find flowers that are blooming...evidence of His care in the midst of their chaos and helplessness. May I be diligent to pray for them....
May we always know Him, and know Him well.
Hugs to you all...
... in warmth, in wind, in rain, and severe weather... there is one that causes flowers to bloom, the sun to rise and set, and men to lean on God.
...tonight 9 are dead 80 miles from here due to tornadoes. They are still searching for more to help, or count.
May they find help in His incredible leading and care, and still find flowers that are blooming...evidence of His care in the midst of their chaos and helplessness. May I be diligent to pray for them....
May we always know Him, and know Him well.
Hugs to you all...
Friday, January 18, 2008
Of bannisters and gloves...
Two events in life will always bring a sense of wonderment and awe to how fearfully and wonderfully we are made. The first was experienced several years ago when my brother, Monte, and I decided to rent the house we were raised in for a family reunion in South Dakota. It is now a Hunting Lodge. All of us cousins went throughout the house together, remembering the laughter, the sorrow (my uncle died there of aortic cancer, I found him as he cried for help bleeding to death), the games of hide and seek, and the bedrooms so cold we could see our breath at night as we huddled beneath our flannel covers. Then it happened. I touched the bannister of the stairs as I was about to descend them...and it felt like yesterday. The touch in my fingers and brain were not at all aware it had been 35 years since I had touched the smooth wood...they knew the banister. They had been inseparable over the years, forever etched in my nerves and memory. And I was filled with awe...and still am.
The second happened on our way to Lookout Mountain. It was a cool morning and I asked Jonathan to grab my driving gloves from out of my purse. I had pulled them off of the closet shelf a couple of weeks ago, just in case I would want them in the cooler weather of Oklahoma. Jonathan dug around and pulled them out and said, eyes bright and dancing, "Grammie,... they smell like Grammie!" Sure enough, he put them up to my nose and we both smiled and laughed. It has been 7 years since we said good-bye to Grammie as she went home to the Lord, and our sense of smell remembered her on this small article of clothing. At Covenant, we made Katie close her eyes, and putting the gloves under her nose (she was apprehensive :0)!) she immediately said, "Grammie!" Grammie's aroma brought joy to our hearts and smiles to our lips. How marvelously our smell and brain worked to remember and recall our love for her just with a whiff of her aroma...her perfume.
I can't help to first praise God for how wonderfully He has made us...senses, memories, and emotions. And as I sit here, Bible open, I pray that my life will be one that is lived in such a way that when He touches me, He remembers my strong, quick response to His touch...just as my fingers remembered the faithful strength of the bannister. I pray that as I live my life here, I will live it in such a way that the aroma causes His eyes to brighten, His heart to dance and rejoice at the memories of how I lived life with Him.
May I be an aroma to the only Great God.
"To God our Savior, Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty, Dominion and power
Both now and forever.
Amen!"
Good morning....
I'm eating my breakfast in the bright sunshine of Lookout Mountain, GA while Jonathan is surrounded in a "fishbowl" of professors at Covenant College, grilling the students in the middle circle in an effort to see who they want to reward with top scholarship opportunities in the fall's Freshman class. I sit in the calm, wooded home of Jane and Henry who so graciously host me when I am here, and pray for my son's ability and character in an intimidating atmosphere... and can't help but ask... how many more times in life will I have the privilege to pray for him in such a manner? Even as I sit here, I feel some tension of nervousness... in sympathy. The funny thing is, he is probably not at all nervous!! Yesterday when I asked him if he was at all anxious he said, "No....I trust that God will be true to give the scholarship to those who need and deserve it." Just as we have always said our desire is, to not stand in the way of someone's education who without the scholarship money would not be able to attend Covenant, Jonathan states his heart is there as well. But just the process is such good experience for life. The understanding that others will and do challenge your abilities, whether by their natural giftedness, or their perseverance and hard work. And one day, he will be praying for someone, maybe a son or friend, who is in a fishbowl of life...and he will know how to pray.
His time is up! Wonder how it went! I thank God for the many diverse experiences, tough and fun, that we have the privilege to savor...and may we savor them, not just live them !
(Phone rings) Oh, it's him! And guess what. He wasn't nervous... said it was "very different". Now is that an answer to my prayer, or just an easy going kid... which is also an answer to prayer (Sometimes!!! You moms know what I mean!).
Well, guess it is conclusive... an answer to prayer...and a forshadowing of God's faithfulness in the next two interviews, the tough ones to come!
His time is up! Wonder how it went! I thank God for the many diverse experiences, tough and fun, that we have the privilege to savor...and may we savor them, not just live them !
(Phone rings) Oh, it's him! And guess what. He wasn't nervous... said it was "very different". Now is that an answer to my prayer, or just an easy going kid... which is also an answer to prayer (Sometimes!!! You moms know what I mean!).
Well, guess it is conclusive... an answer to prayer...and a forshadowing of God's faithfulness in the next two interviews, the tough ones to come!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Let me introduce to you...
...Pascaline!
Pascaline is my "French daughter"! She has come to live with us for 9 months. She arrived in August. She is doing an internship for her university at Voice of the Martyrs. It has been a delight to have her here. The only places in the US she had previously seen were Oklahoma and Houston, therefore, we decided we needed to get her to Denver for Christmas to see the Rockies. She liked what she saw! ;0) Here she and Katie are enjoying snowy Colorado!
We are learning so much from her. We are being encouraged to "press on" even harder as we learn first hand from her reactions and surprise to what she sees in the American church, a thing that we have often talked about... mediocrity in passion. In France, a relationship with God and all that it brings is so counter cultural, that when found, it is a true treasure. She is saddened that our passion in worship and serving does not reflect our treasure. Maybe I will have her guest log about it someday! What encouragement for us in Christ's family to stay the course where Christianity is not at this moment counter-cultural, though on it's way, to not be mediocre in our living for the Lord. The persecuted or alone Christian cultures have much to teach us... about dying for our belief, yes, but also about living in such a way that we do not find ourselves as well in a counter-culture or oppression of our belief in Christ... a half-hearted service or worship. May passionate, service minded lovers of God come against the mediocrity of God's church... that we may be "in whom I am well-pleased."
Thanks to Pascaline for again reminding us what we have, and stand to lose...
It's been a another year...
I could have wished you a blessed Christmas... from sunny and snowy and snowing... Colorado! But, I was too slow! We spent it with Becky in Littleton, and though we missed Ryan, we had the fun of visiting with him an hour by web cam/phone! We had not seen him since August, except in a few pictures, and it was fun watching him as he peeled carrots for Christmas dinner. I just couldn't hug him! We showed him the lights on Becky's tree that Jonathan had put on... many on the bottom, few on the top... our "bottom heavy light" tree, and he his apartment living room. It was a joy! We look forward to having Christmas in July with him.
Life has gone so fast in 2007, and 2008 will bring so many changes...an empty nest, finding anew those things in which God wants me involved, having my own freedom for the first time in, ahh, 26 years. Marriage and parenthood changed my life in a drastic way and I would trade it not, but this new freedom is rather beckoning and exciting. Ah, exciting life! And this is nothing compared to my real home, heaven. Now, there will be real life! And, as you have heard before, I am looking forward to it, even longing for it, but not at the expense of frittering away the life I have been asked to live here...as a tool in a good, good God's hand.
I loved the thought given to us by Becky's pastor on Christmas Sunday...that Mary, Jesus' mother, as a member of the first church, WORSHIPPED HER SON! I'd always known she believed, but never thought of the depth, or the unnaturalness of it all! Yes, this baby grew up without sin, and that had to be life altering for a mom, but totally subordinate to a son? Worshipping him? (Sorry, Jon and Ryan, you are wonderful sons, but not worship material! The delight to my heart is you know it! Love you both!) Even as a family grows older together, Mom and Dad usually have the edge on wisdom of experience and living, let alone what they may have learned in their faith along the way! And to my great joy and humility, I have found God to be faithful to teach me from His Word, without the schooling my children have had the privilege to gain. As a matter of fact, it is a delight to my soul that what God has revealed to me in His Word... is really no different that what they are concluding in their strong education... it's just that I am more restricted to communicate it in less intellectual ways...in vocabulary and in philosophical ideas or terms. Indeed, I'm limited in terminology to communicate to you who this Jesus is to me, what He has done for me, and what He has revealed to me... and all of it is a very good thing. I don't have the potential traps set by intellect (though I love learning and listening to such conversations, and participate and learn), and I do use the simplicity of understanding what is most important... that Christ died on the cross and I am saved from my sin by simply believing He did so. That I am a daughter now of the Great King, and He will take me home someday, but in the meantime... gives me life abundantly, even amongst the junk of it all! That there are those in this world who do not believe and they too will live eternally... separated from God. Which brings me back to Mary...she realized her son was The Son... as simple as that. She watched Him die, she saw Him raised, she heard of His ascension... she believed. Therefore she worshipped.
May I worship the Son in 2008 as never before... He my husband, my companion, the protector of my gone away children! May I never be hesitant to jump into life for HIm!
Ahh... the next holiday is Easter, my favorite of all, because,
Christmas began what Easter completed!
... the salvation of our eternal soul!
Life is good! Have a blessed New Year!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Remembering....with thanks!!
This is so well said. It took me back to hearing David's diagnosis of brain cancer and later sitting by his bed as I wondered when relief would come for him in the form of our Lord taking Him home, and we here would find relief as well from watching a loved one loose his strength, mental capacity and personality...the drying up of his physical body. We found it true that those who have a personal relationship with God, receiving His gift by faith of dying on the cross, grieve differently. How grateful I am that Tony Snow has that same relationship and release. God is in control, and that frees us to LIVE...and live it exuberently and with focus... with "no regrets". What a blessing it is to rest in a loving, good God's hands...in all circumstances!!!
This is an outstanding testimony from Tony Snow, President Bush's Press Secretary, and his fight with cancer. Commentator and broadcaster Tony Snow announced that he had colon cancer in 2005. Following surgery and chemo-therapy, Snow joined the Bush Administration in April 2006 as press secretary. Unfortunately, on March 23, 2007, Snow, 51, a husband and father of three, announced the cancer had recurred, with tumors found in his abdomen, leading to surgery in April, followed by more chemotherapy. Snow went back to work in the White House Briefing Room on May 30, but has resigned since, "for economic reasons," and to pursue " other interests."
It needs little intro... it speaks for itself.
"Blessings arrive in unexpected packages, - in my case, cancer. Those
of us with potentially fatal diseases - and there are millions in
America today - find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our
mortality while trying to fathom God's will. Although it would be the
height of presumption to declare with confidence "What It All Means,"
Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.
The first is that we shouldn't spend too much time trying to answer
the "why" questions: Why me? Why must people suffer? Why can't someone
else get sick? We can't answer such things, and the questions
themselves often are designed more to express our anguish than to
solicit an answer. I don't know why I have cancer, and I don't much care. It is what it is, a plain and indisputable fact. Yet even while staring into a
mirror darkly, great and stunning truths begin to take shape. Our
maladies define a central feature of our existence: We are fallen. We
are imperfect. Our bodies give out.
But despite this, - or because of it, - God offers the possibility of
salvation and grace. We don't know how the narrative of our lives will
end, but we get to choose how to use the interval between now and the
moment we meet our Creator face-to-face.
Second, we need to get past the anxiety. The mere thought of dying can
send adrenaline flooding through your system. A dizzy, unfocused panic
seizes you. Your heart thumps; your head swims. You think of
nothingness and swoon. You fear partings; you worry about the impact
on family and friends. You fidget and get nowhere.
To regain footing, remember that we were born not into death, but into
life,- and that the journey continues after we have finished our days
on this earth. We accept this on faith, but that faith is nourished by
a conviction that stirs even within many non believing hearts - an
intuition that the gift of life, once given, cannot be taken away.
Those who have been stricken enjoy the special privilege of being able
to fight with their might, main, and faith to live fully, richly,
exuberantly - no matter how their days may be numbered.
Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want
lives of simple, predictable ease,- smooth, even trails as far as the
eye can see, - but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with
twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our
endurance; and comprehension - and yet don't. By His love and grace,
we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs
churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and
joy we would not experience otherwise.
'You Have Been Called'. Picture yourself in a hospital bed. The fog
of anesthesia has begun to wear away. A doctor stands at your feet, a
loved one holds your hand at the side. "It's cancer," the healer
announces.
The natural reaction is to turn to God and ask him to serve as a
cosmic Santa. "Dear God, make it all go away. Make everything
simpler." But another voice whispers: "You have been called." Your
quandary has drawn you closer to God, closer to those you love, closer
to the issues that matter,- and has dragged into insignificance the
banal concerns that occupy our "normal time."
There's another kind of response, although usually short-lived an
inexplicable shudder of excitement, as if a clarifying moment of
calamity has swept away everything trivial and tiny, and placed before
us the challenge of important questions.
The moment you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change.
You discover that Christianity is not something doughy, passive,
pious, and soft. Faith may be the substance of things hoped for, the
evidence of things not seen. But it also draws you into a world shorn
of fearful caution. The life of belief teems with thrills, boldness,
danger, shocks, reversals, triumphs, and epiphanies. Think of Paul,
traipsing through the known world and contemplating trips to what must
have seemed the antipodes ( Spain ), shaking the dust from his
sandals, worrying not about the morrow, but only about the moment.
There's nothing wilder than a life of humble virtue, - for it is
through selflessness and service that God wrings from our bodies and
spirits the most we ever could give, the most we ever could offer, and
the most we ever could do.
Finally, we can let love change everything. When Jesus was faced with
the prospect of crucifixion, he grieved not for himself, but for us.
He cried for Jerusalem before entering the holy city. From the Cross,
he took on the cumulative burden of human sin and weakness, and begged
for forgiveness on our behalf.
We get repeated chances to learn that life is not about us, that we
acquire purpose and satisfaction by sharing in God's love for others.
Sickness gets us part way there. It reminds us of our limitations and
dependence. But it also gives us a chance to serve the healthy. A
minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave
afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones
accept the burden of two peoples' worries and fears.
'Learning How to Live'. Most of us have watched friends as they
drifted toward God's arms, not with resignation, but with peace and
hope. In so doing, they have taught us not how to die, but how to
live. They have emulated Christ by transmitting the power and
authority of love.
I sat by my best friend's bedside a few years ago as a wasting cancer
took him away. He kept at his table a worn Bible and a 1928 edition of
the Book of Common Prayer. A shattering grief disabled his family,
many of his old friends, and at least one priest. Here was an humble
and very good guy, someone who apologized when he winced with pain
because he thought it made his guest uncomfortable. He retained his
equanimity and good humor literally until his last conscious moment.
"I'm going to try to beat [this cancer]," he told me several months
before he died. "But if I don't, I'll see you on the other side."
His gift was to remind everyone around him that even though God
doesn't promise us tomorrow, he does promise us eternity, - filled
with life and love we cannot comprehend, - and that one can in the
throes of sickness point the rest of us toward timeless truths that
will help us weather future storms.
Through such trials, God bids us to choose: Do we believe, or do we
not? Will we be bold enough to love, daring enough to serve, humble
enough to submit, and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations?
Can we surrender our concern in things that don't matter so that we
might devote our remaining days to things that do?
When our faith flags, he throws reminders in our way. Think of the
prayer warriors in our midst. They change things, and those of us who
have been on the receiving end of their petitions and intercessions
know it. It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the
hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the
Spirit. Somehow you just know: Others have chosen, when talking to the
Author of all creation, to lift us up, - to speak of us!
This is love of a very special order. But so is the ability to sit
back and appreciate the wonder of every created thing. The mere
thought of death somehow makes every blessing vivid, every happiness
more luminous and intense. We may not know how our contest with
sickness will end, but we have felt the ineluctable touch of God.
What is man that Thou art mindful of him? We don't know much, but we
know this: No matter where we are, no matter what we do, no matter how
bleak or frightening our prospects, each and every one of us who
believe, each and every day, lies in the same safe and impregnable
place, in the hollow of God's hand." T. Snow
This is an outstanding testimony from Tony Snow, President Bush's Press Secretary, and his fight with cancer. Commentator and broadcaster Tony Snow announced that he had colon cancer in 2005. Following surgery and chemo-therapy, Snow joined the Bush Administration in April 2006 as press secretary. Unfortunately, on March 23, 2007, Snow, 51, a husband and father of three, announced the cancer had recurred, with tumors found in his abdomen, leading to surgery in April, followed by more chemotherapy. Snow went back to work in the White House Briefing Room on May 30, but has resigned since, "for economic reasons," and to pursue " other interests."
It needs little intro... it speaks for itself.
"Blessings arrive in unexpected packages, - in my case, cancer. Those
of us with potentially fatal diseases - and there are millions in
America today - find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our
mortality while trying to fathom God's will. Although it would be the
height of presumption to declare with confidence "What It All Means,"
Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.
The first is that we shouldn't spend too much time trying to answer
the "why" questions: Why me? Why must people suffer? Why can't someone
else get sick? We can't answer such things, and the questions
themselves often are designed more to express our anguish than to
solicit an answer. I don't know why I have cancer, and I don't much care. It is what it is, a plain and indisputable fact. Yet even while staring into a
mirror darkly, great and stunning truths begin to take shape. Our
maladies define a central feature of our existence: We are fallen. We
are imperfect. Our bodies give out.
But despite this, - or because of it, - God offers the possibility of
salvation and grace. We don't know how the narrative of our lives will
end, but we get to choose how to use the interval between now and the
moment we meet our Creator face-to-face.
Second, we need to get past the anxiety. The mere thought of dying can
send adrenaline flooding through your system. A dizzy, unfocused panic
seizes you. Your heart thumps; your head swims. You think of
nothingness and swoon. You fear partings; you worry about the impact
on family and friends. You fidget and get nowhere.
To regain footing, remember that we were born not into death, but into
life,- and that the journey continues after we have finished our days
on this earth. We accept this on faith, but that faith is nourished by
a conviction that stirs even within many non believing hearts - an
intuition that the gift of life, once given, cannot be taken away.
Those who have been stricken enjoy the special privilege of being able
to fight with their might, main, and faith to live fully, richly,
exuberantly - no matter how their days may be numbered.
Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want
lives of simple, predictable ease,- smooth, even trails as far as the
eye can see, - but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with
twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our
endurance; and comprehension - and yet don't. By His love and grace,
we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs
churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and
joy we would not experience otherwise.
'You Have Been Called'. Picture yourself in a hospital bed. The fog
of anesthesia has begun to wear away. A doctor stands at your feet, a
loved one holds your hand at the side. "It's cancer," the healer
announces.
The natural reaction is to turn to God and ask him to serve as a
cosmic Santa. "Dear God, make it all go away. Make everything
simpler." But another voice whispers: "You have been called." Your
quandary has drawn you closer to God, closer to those you love, closer
to the issues that matter,- and has dragged into insignificance the
banal concerns that occupy our "normal time."
There's another kind of response, although usually short-lived an
inexplicable shudder of excitement, as if a clarifying moment of
calamity has swept away everything trivial and tiny, and placed before
us the challenge of important questions.
The moment you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change.
You discover that Christianity is not something doughy, passive,
pious, and soft. Faith may be the substance of things hoped for, the
evidence of things not seen. But it also draws you into a world shorn
of fearful caution. The life of belief teems with thrills, boldness,
danger, shocks, reversals, triumphs, and epiphanies. Think of Paul,
traipsing through the known world and contemplating trips to what must
have seemed the antipodes ( Spain ), shaking the dust from his
sandals, worrying not about the morrow, but only about the moment.
There's nothing wilder than a life of humble virtue, - for it is
through selflessness and service that God wrings from our bodies and
spirits the most we ever could give, the most we ever could offer, and
the most we ever could do.
Finally, we can let love change everything. When Jesus was faced with
the prospect of crucifixion, he grieved not for himself, but for us.
He cried for Jerusalem before entering the holy city. From the Cross,
he took on the cumulative burden of human sin and weakness, and begged
for forgiveness on our behalf.
We get repeated chances to learn that life is not about us, that we
acquire purpose and satisfaction by sharing in God's love for others.
Sickness gets us part way there. It reminds us of our limitations and
dependence. But it also gives us a chance to serve the healthy. A
minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave
afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones
accept the burden of two peoples' worries and fears.
'Learning How to Live'. Most of us have watched friends as they
drifted toward God's arms, not with resignation, but with peace and
hope. In so doing, they have taught us not how to die, but how to
live. They have emulated Christ by transmitting the power and
authority of love.
I sat by my best friend's bedside a few years ago as a wasting cancer
took him away. He kept at his table a worn Bible and a 1928 edition of
the Book of Common Prayer. A shattering grief disabled his family,
many of his old friends, and at least one priest. Here was an humble
and very good guy, someone who apologized when he winced with pain
because he thought it made his guest uncomfortable. He retained his
equanimity and good humor literally until his last conscious moment.
"I'm going to try to beat [this cancer]," he told me several months
before he died. "But if I don't, I'll see you on the other side."
His gift was to remind everyone around him that even though God
doesn't promise us tomorrow, he does promise us eternity, - filled
with life and love we cannot comprehend, - and that one can in the
throes of sickness point the rest of us toward timeless truths that
will help us weather future storms.
Through such trials, God bids us to choose: Do we believe, or do we
not? Will we be bold enough to love, daring enough to serve, humble
enough to submit, and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations?
Can we surrender our concern in things that don't matter so that we
might devote our remaining days to things that do?
When our faith flags, he throws reminders in our way. Think of the
prayer warriors in our midst. They change things, and those of us who
have been on the receiving end of their petitions and intercessions
know it. It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the
hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the
Spirit. Somehow you just know: Others have chosen, when talking to the
Author of all creation, to lift us up, - to speak of us!
This is love of a very special order. But so is the ability to sit
back and appreciate the wonder of every created thing. The mere
thought of death somehow makes every blessing vivid, every happiness
more luminous and intense. We may not know how our contest with
sickness will end, but we have felt the ineluctable touch of God.
What is man that Thou art mindful of him? We don't know much, but we
know this: No matter where we are, no matter what we do, no matter how
bleak or frightening our prospects, each and every one of us who
believe, each and every day, lies in the same safe and impregnable
place, in the hollow of God's hand." T. Snow
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