Transition... welcome to real life!

Webster states:transition is the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.

I highly recommend:

Lost in the Middle, Paul Tripp
and
Still Going It Alone, Michele Howe


These last 6 months have found me writing and choosing not to post a blog. Too uncomfortable. Even though I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was normal! And this comes from one that is very willing to let everyone see exactly what I'm feeling, thinking or experiencing because of a conviction that as I learn things in life, I certainly have the ability.... even the responsibility... to share those discoveries with others. Vulnerable... yes. Comfortable being vulnerable... absolutely... until this fall.

I always knew this appointment in life would be one of my greatest grief periods. After all, an empty nest truly reminds one of, and reveals the depth of pain in the missing of another in life. I knew that sending my last off to college would bring the grief of burying my dear husband David to a new level of intensity... I just had no idea how intense!

The first grief was the missing of my youngest son, our busy social schedule.... but especially our Sunday afternoon dates! You see, at one point when I knew I couldn't compete with the wonderful girls around him in the "fun" department (Mom's job description entails a lot of "not fun" talks and responsibilities), I told him on the way home from church one day, that Sunday afternoons were ours, and that we were going on dates! We now know every coffee shop in Tulsa, many restaurants, and have enjoyed many outings to movies and buying him debate suits! From looking at pictures, discussions or playing Speed Scrabble over coffee, I had no idea how much harder that could make a "transition", and it did! But, despite the pain, I'd do it all over again!

After the initial adjustment of quietness, a totally free slate on schedule was mine... and I purposed to protect it for up to a year. You see, I knew that one of my great coping mechanisms for pain is busyness. And I knew that my being a widow, my missing of David, would begin in earnest as the silence closed in. I simply decided to face the pain head on... and thus hopefully shortening it's grip, instead of partially ignoring it and facing it longer. That doesn't mean I was always at home, quite the contrary. I've had many fun outings with friends, but I chose to not become so committed that I didn't have to deal with the loneliness and pain of my being alone...of finding who I was, since my roles over the last 28 years have been wife and mother, intensified in the simple fact of being the only parent. That transition has been very hard, complicated with other things. At many times I've had to battle feelings of being "lazy"... after all, what do I have to show for my time (funny thing, I often thought that with toddlers and teens)! Guilt has played its seductive tones to try to disuade me from the task at hand... grieving or otherwise. A sense of disorientation kept me "busy" with the urgent things in life... luring me away from the opportunity I had to spend in Bible study or writing. Questioning my life... my very essence, became a thief of energy and thinking of others. And, for one who loves companionship... many nights alone were simply lonely.

Tripp says in his book that there are 2 things true about every middle aged person. First, we are aware that our lives have not worked according to our plan and second, once again like a toddler, we are always trying to figure our lives out. He goes on to state that those points describe the essence of "mid-life"... the collision of powerful personal awareness and a powerful personal interpretation. All of a sudden we see things that have been developed in our lives without our awareness, in the busy years of life... both good and bad. But, oh, the attention or focus we give the bad! Thus explains the up front vulnerability I had with my children at Christmas... knowing that I couldn't hide from them the twisting of my heart and the periodic tears of my eyes with them again in the house with me, and so "close to the situation". I told them, tearfully, I needed them to know that I really believed I was normal (many other friends my age or older, seemed to know just what I'd describe to them because they had or were experiencing the same) but that I knew in the holiday time at home I couldn't hide from them that some deep questioning and pain was going on in my heart. "I don't know who I am", "I don't know where I'm going, or if God can or if He will use me in any way", and "I don't think I have anything to offer Him or others" were some of the questions and emotions dogging my heart. All this coming from a woman who had just taught a retreat on the "3 W's of Life: Who/whose are you? Where are you? Why are you?", in which I answer each question with truth from the Scriptures. I told them I knew the answers in my head, but that my heart was wretching to again embrace that truth. They looked at me as if to say, "Who took our mom? Where is she in there?", the same thoughts I had heard in my head many times. So uncharacteristic of the "strong, capable widow" whose trust was in God's plan... but oh, so real. I told them that I had tried to encourage myself with the fact that I knew of none other that (though I know you are out there) have the number of life transitions all at once as myself... empty nest, 8 weeks later a daughter calling as she just got engaged (a wonderful event I might add), a son overseas in his second year, and all this without the one I desperately loved to share it with... as a widow. I knew personally many with 2 of those transitions... one with 3... none with all 4! I felt so oddly different at times. I regularly consoled myself with "It was, after all, alot to handle." I again in my life, had turned heavenward and reminded God He had chosen the wrong woman for all of this! Little good it did... except that I was forced again to remember, He had always and will always see me through.

Transitions in life are many. Some easy, some too intense, we think, to survive. Synonyms for transition, I believe can be: adolescence, college, career, marriage, divorce, parenting, empty-nest, marriage of children, old-age, failing health, and death. I'm sure we could all add more to the list. Youth seems to cruise through transition focused on tomorrow's wonderful life. Those in the middle no longer live with the partner of invincibility, but the realism life experience brings. All I'm convinced are blessings. It doesn't include the word easy or fun. Whether one is young or old, whether a change is heart lifting or heart rendering... all transitions require a personal response of some kind from us. That response will determine how "rough the road" is that we travel. A response of entitlement, to deserve better than we've been given, will produce within a discontentment and perhaps anger and bitterness, directed at others and/or God. That is a very rough place to travel, destroying the very enjoyment and peace in life. A response of gratitude toward life's events gives expectations of vistas along the way... in both the valley and mountaintop experiences. The understanding that transitional days bring blessings of growth and change, smooths the road of life with a joy and unexplainable sense of peace and anticipation. But there is an ultimate response from the heart...one which brings with it perhaps the greatest sense of being loved and cared for... one that asks. Asking for transitions so that one is not only made in His image, but along the road of life becomes more indistinguishable from Him, is the bravest, selfless and most satisfying response of all. It is not easy or fun to travel that road. But, I'm convinced it is worth it.

Therefore, you see, this transition I'm making... one day, I'm sure that...

I'd do it all over again!