"Ah Ha" Moments...

I have now finished a study in Proverbs that I highly recommend by Kathleen Nielson, and the book that has taken me months to finish, Lost in the Middle.  Perhaps it is because my life has many events in the living these last 12 months, that emotional work has taken a vested amount of time, or that a disorientation of what to do now that I, for the first time in 53 years, have truly been on my own or a combination of all (the truer picture) that it has taken so long to accomplish these 2 studies in my life. However, I have recently come to see that the truest scenario is... GOD's timing!

 

My blog over these last months has reflected the heartache and searching of a woman that was truly disoriented.  The expressions were real and accurate.  I concluded many years ago that living the story of my life for Him, would be best used by Him, when told vulnerably and accurately as occasions presented themselves.  Not that all is exposed to anyone, for there are things best kept in nonpublic places, but the sharing of the process and journey is at the heart of who I am... a simple, sinful woman, with a very big, capable God.  For if my journey can help any other woman in her living, that is a part of His use of my life in Him.  I do not want to hinder His use of His own creation in anyway...so, I share pain, joy and what I have learned with Him in it all.  Therefore, it  is right and time for me to also share what I have found recently, taking me further away from hard places visited this year, to the time I am currently enjoying.  Thus, I need to share some "ah ha" moments!

 

"Ah ha" moments are joyous times for me.  They come after moments, months, years of shaking my head, or seeking the relief of a trembling heart, constant or sporadic.  Since emotional aches seem to match the concern or pain experienced in the responsibility of  many roles a woman has as widow and parent, with all fluctuating wildly at times…spinning heads and hearts become familiar.  My spinning heart and head, this time around, came from many events happening all at once in my life... of which GOD seemed fit to pile them all into a 6 month period.  I once heard a woman in ministry say (early 1900's, NO I am not that old!), "the greatest compliment GOD can pay you is when He stokes the furnace."  I have remembered that multiple times in life, and smile at how true that rings.  It, I have found, is actually a statement or act of His great care and jealous love for me.  The stoking of the furnace means He is very near and watching very carefully what pressures I'm experiencing and who or what treasure He is forming.  I know that, I teach that... and it is frustrating when I don't feel that.  So, when all these things heaped in my life, they together pressurized my aloneness and meaning or value in this life.  I found myself "feeling" lies... and struggling not to believe them.  Concluding that, in my case, these things had to be true... circumstances told me so.  I would pray...and would gain periodic, good relief... but even now, skeletons still sometimes rattle and raise issues and struggles over again.   So, when a moment with the LORD brings the reaction, "ah ha", there is a sweep of excitement in knowing what the enemy is that I am battling.  Those moments bring to me a name for the opposition ... an enemy at which I can take aim...

 

... and mine is/was named, IDENTITY REPLACEMENT.  That is not the climax you were looking for, is it?  Me neither.  But it was real when I found it... and I'm sure in days ahead, I will still need to deal with it. Revelation of its presence started with the dissatisfaction in my perception of who I was to my young adult children.  It didn't feel right.  What was wrong with me?  Transition was/is not easy for me relationally... though it has been asked of me again and again in my life story.  I now realize that what had intensified or exacerbated this difficult process (as it is hard for any parent I've realized, even in the married who have each other to navigate it together), has been my single parenthood.  I realized that as in every other difficult time in my life (divorce, miscarriage, burial of parents, brain cancer and burying my husband), I took a deep breath, prayed constantly, and poured myself into the task at hand... raising 4 children alone… in teen years.  I, thanks to Him, didn't need to worry about finances, so there was no distraction of a job.  I had felt lead and promised myself as well, that I would not date until all children had left home, choosing not to put them through the ups and downs of "mom's relationships".  Ministry was done as a family...my responsibility in the LORD was them. I threw myself into the task at hand.

 

It is a serpent-like invasion into the soul, that lets one depend on the LORD, pray and do what He calls one to do...yet, simultaneously sends down deceptive, unseen roots into the heart. Little did I know that as I stepped up to the plate to do the hardest job asked of me on this earth, single parenting after burying my love in this life, the enemy would insidiously compromise who I was without detection.  Sitting, reading and praying on my way to see my son internationally, it was in the Chicago airport that the first "ah ha" came.  As I arrived and shared my heart with my son, I told him I felt I had detected an explanation of the turmoil I had experienced in the last year, but that I was still trying to process it.   It involved the only thing I had so devoted my life to in the last 10 years... "the godly, wise mom"… and I was asking myself it it had become the center of life for me.  But, somehow, I told him, it didn't fit the whole "ah ha" gap, though it was close.  I had to process it.  The next 2 days of study and time gave me the final "ah ha", and I thought about it long and hard before bringing it out for my son to see.  It was the one that was the "relief ah ha".  It fit.  And it was much more insidious than any obvious idols we entreat.   I realized I had replaced part of my identity as His child, his daughter, with the identity of a "loving, good, fun Mom, who was also loved".  I, who have taught on the 3 W's of life, key of which is my IDENTITY in Him...ALONE!  I who knew/knows I could never have made it in this life so far without my Father in Heaven, had slowly been invaded with a replacement in my heart.  An identity replacement that then demanded finding my worth from the invading "kingdom"... or the results of my parenting, especially relationally.

 

Now, if worldly success could be the barometer sufficient to fill my worth gap, my children would be all I need.  My children give me such joy in their relationships, callings and their hearts to follow God.  We are close.  But except for this highly relational woman, I could have skidded through without detection of the invasion. However, God made me relational, some of my children would say to the “extreme”.  I cannot question Him on that... He knows best, but, it uncovered and identified my enemy for me after a prolonged struggle.  You see, the replacement in my heart demanded from where I could feel loved.  It was never fully satisfied, and I could never meet my own standards for the “good” mom.  It left me struggling in pain.  I had been needed for years by children that I deeply loved, and now the very normal process for which I raised them, independent and obedient to Him, left me often times, writhing.  As I found the enemy, named it and refocused my IDENTITY in Him, the demand shrank… almost immediately bringing huge relief.  Cured over night?  I think not.  (That would be the next lie the enemy could use, keeping me off guard.)  It has this demanding nature to it, often beyond understanding. No, it will still  “rear its head”, I’m sure. 

 

Now, however, I find myself appropriately enjoying what is given me relationally ... with less demand by my "needs".  My refocused identity as His wonderful creation, living His story, can be filled in the value and worth He sees in me.  It is relationally what I had always desired, but the undetected identity replacement was in its way.  As has always been true in my life, the identification of sin...the understanding of deception... is the hardest for me.  But when it is revealed and named, there is nothing I desire more than its annihilation...eradication from my life.  Getting the identification is just so hard and painful at times.  However, the struggle of getting there is always worth the freedom it brings.

 

In it all, GOD proves His relentless pursuit of His own.  This struggle proves just that... I am His, and He loves me desperately.  I am beautiful and becoming more beautiful in His eyes and in His heart. There is really nothing more needed.  We as women, especially God-fearing single/married, and /or moms, often do not see the transfer of identity or value of who we are because of our wholehearted devotion to those we truly love... and our calling to them.  We become so involved in that calling that who we are is what we are in those roles.  It can be children, husband, house, clothes or a job.  It is hard because they are legitimate, Biblical callings... demanding much energy and time, heart and soul.  It should not surprise us that the enemy knows how to use our greatest intensities and strongest attitudes to do us harm.

 

We must be careful.  We need to step back periodically to re-identify ourselves... in Him alone, with all of our roles under the canopy of His bought and protected daughter.   We must look for an "ah ha" moment in the detection of "value" exchanges or "demands" to fill our emotional, spiritual, physical needs in places that cannot accomplish our fill.  Our value cannot be filled in our "man", friends, children or career. We must seek out those invasions and pull out the tendrils around our heart.  Knowing and understanding scripturally are not the only weapons needed against such a deceptive enemy.

 

Our Father is desperately jealous of our devotion… having died and rose again to give us the utmost in identity… His child.  In that alone is true peace, freedom, and rewarding relationships…

 

…the grandest, renewed “ah ha” moment of all!